Monday, March 13, 2006

An Essay - Releasing Those Tears

Many women, who live the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle, cannot cry all of the time, whereas, some women cannot cry at all. We will explore reasons around these difficulties, plus offer solutions which may go some way, in helping women to overcome such problems. This essay is based on experiential evidence and as such, lends itself to advice based on one couple’s LDD lifestyle (as founded by Lovingdd in This essay neither advocates expert opinion, nor is credited with empirical data as a case for its validation.

We will start our journey, by examining the psychological interconnection between the physical and emotional aspects of punishment. We will use this interconnection as a model on which to base the emergence of those ‘deeper’ unconscious emotions. Explorations on how to first recognise the ‘unconscious’ emotions will be discussed, coupled with what disciplinary tool to use to release those deeper emotions, before the onset of spanking. This essay will close by offering ‘some’ experiential advice into unlocking those tears.

In order to examine this question it is first necessary to look at the release (or lack) of tears shed in discipline. What is actually going on behind the scenes?

There is something profoundly psychological in the forces at work during discipline. The release of tears is founded on the interplay, between both the physical and emotional aspects of the disciplinary process. This interplay, threads itself through the transfer of strong masculine and feminine energies. Within the woman’s psyche there exists a profusion of very deep and often misunderstood emotions. Some of these emotions are deeply locked into her unconscious mind. Loving Domestic Discipline acts as a facilitator to unlock these repressed emotions and bring them to the surface. However, it is within this interconnection between both the physical pain of getting spanked and emotional pain of feeling guilt where the confusion arises. The percentages of physical vs. emotional will not only vary from one woman to another, but also from one situation to the next within the same woman! No wonder HOH’s can find the release of their woman’s tears fraught with difficulty! What resulted in tears previously has no guarantee of being successfully replicated.

The dynamics between the physical vs. emotional acts like a spectrum. On opposite ends of this spectrum you have the physical pain versus emotional pain. The nature of the spectrum is that it is hard to gauge at any given time where the reason behind her misbehaviour lies, or what disciplinary technique is best served before the onset of spanking. The nature and dynamics of this spectrum is its unpredictability - it is hard to judge what her raw emotions are, or what has triggered them. Since most of the woman’s deeper and most complex emotions will be directly from the unconscious, neither the woman, nor her HOH will understand the reason behind each emotional outburst – nor the best disciplinary technique to use as a pre-cursor to spanking. It is vital that the HOH focuses on trying to assess the best possible disciplinary technique. As the spectrum has a dual interconnection revolving around both physical and emotional pain with various degrees in between it is up to the experience of the HOH to identify the reasons behind his wife’s misconduct. By placing more emphasis on either a more physical (spanking) or emotional (scolding) type discipline he is strengthening the disciplinary process. Emphasising one technique more strongly than another can be an extremely effective aide in helping to bring out those tears.

Some HOH’s think that the reason their woman doesn’t cry is solely to do with the physical aspect (the force of the spanking). Some HOH’s wrongly assume that they haven’t spanked their women hard or long enough. This may be true in some cases, but not all. It is generally a misconception to believe that the physical pain of the spanking alone releases those tears. Women are generally able to withstand considerable amounts of physical pain. Most women have given birth without crying and this pain is unparallel with anything experienced before! Therefore, it can be fair to say, that in some cases, it is the emotional aspects, rather than the physical which will bring on the tears. The HOH will need to place greater emphasis onto one or more of the various disciplinary techniques. He will need to pay greater attention and highlight one or more of these aspects in order to tap into his woman’s psyche and access her emotions – preferably before the spanking begins.

How does the HOH release his woman’s emotions?

Primarily, successful discipline pivots around the synergistic process of bringing all the ‘main’ disciplinary aspects together. Let us for a moment consider the analogy of an orchestra. Hearing flutes being played on their own does not make an orchestra. The orchestra comprises of flutes + violins + cellos + clarinets + bassoons + French horns + oboes, etc… All these instruments work in perfect unison to harmonise and make fantastic music. Loving Domestic Discipline works in a very similar way. Scolding on its own does not account for successful discipline. Rather, the use of scolding + corner time + spanking + tears + contrition + forgiveness + redemption are all brought together in successful combination to deliver fantastically effective discipline. If we consider the conductor of the orchestra, if he wasn’t in charge and leading this venture then the noise would successfully bring anyone to tears! ;) The HOH has a similar job to the conductor; he must bring in all the ‘main’ disciplinary aspects to play. Likewise, the woman has a similar role to the musician. She must follow each and every instruction and comply with his lead.

If we consider the example used in this analogy, we can see that as music brings out strong emotions – not all instruments are needed in ‘equal’ proportion all of the time. Some instruments won’t be needed at all for that particular movement. For example, the HOH would not require essay writing and the writing of lines in the same punishment. He will of course bring all the ‘main’ disciplinary techniques to play, and put a stronger emphasis on one or more of their uses. If you were to take one of the ‘main’ disciplinary aspects away then the symphony would not be as good. The use of one ‘main’ technique would be too weak, but combined they have a synergistic relationship to each other. Examples range from a severe caning, moderate hand spanking to a disapproving glance or comment. The combined total is the knowledge that your HOH is conducting – by ‘selecting,’ ‘highlighting’ and then harmonising those chosen instruments that are appropriate for the mood.

Once the HOH is satisfied in his ‘selections’ then he will need to ‘highlight’ one more, than another. When ‘selecting,’ for example, a period of isolation time in the corner or lying in a humbling position can make a woman reflect on her misbehaviour. Or, perhaps, the behaviour is so bad that it warrants putting her in coventry for a day. Such a method may seem unduly harsh, but a whole day of isolation, will make her really have a long hard think about her misbehaviours which can result in accessing those much needed tears - in other words: In order to feel ‘reconnected,’ it is sometimes necessary to first feel the opposite extreme of feeling ‘unconnected.’ Through guilt and fear of the oncoming spanking, such lengthier periods of introspection can be very effective in producing those tears. Thus, the HOH would be placing a greater emphasis on this technique by ‘highlighting’ its merits for that particular discipline. It is important to mention at this point, that once the woman starts crying her HOH should end her coventry by turning her over his knee and spanking her. By disciplining her whilst she is crying, her tears will help her to enter into the deeper realms of submission through to catharsis. It will also help the woman, equate crying with spanking. This is extremely important, particularly if she has never cried during her spanking before.

Sometimes the HOH will put a greater emphasis into verbally scolding his woman on a more adult/child basis. Other times, he may decide to gently talk to her on an adult/adult basis. At times, a more gentle method can be more effective in accessing her guilt than a harsh scolding. Other times, scolding his woman in a childlike manner is what’s needed. He may use certain keywords to trigger the onslaught of tears. Keywords such as “Naughty,” Or, “Bad girl,” etc….Or he will accentuate key phrases such as: “How bitterly disappointed and upset he is to have to administer a firm and painful spanking YET again.” Also, “How he was SO sure she had learned her lesson from the last time!” He could even ask direct questions like, “Are we having another tantrum?!” Any keywords or phrases which the HOH uses must stress words of a childish nature. Such words will act as a tool to access the unconscious and help with the onset of tears.

For tears to successfully flow a woman must feel unduly humiliated during discipline. Humiliation is the crucial ingredient to accepting the teachings of her husband. Humiliation will strip away her pride so that the she surrenders the last modicum of her dignity to her husband. She will have no more pride or argument as she stands before him not just ‘physically’ naked but ‘mentally’ naked as well. Some women demonstrate no real problem displaying their physical nudity to their husbands. After all, their husbands are only too familiar with every aspect of their woman’s body. Some women may even hope that their feminine curves will sexually stimulate their husbands into not delivering such a painful spanking!;) For some women, it is the stripping of their ‘mental’ faculties which they find deeply humiliating. It is at this point where some women who surrender their intellect and reasoning to their HOH’s will start to cry!

The surrendering of ones mental and intellectual faculties is of paramount importance. Such a practise regularly takes place in the army. The new recruit MUST be stripped naked mentally in order to be built up again. There is little point accepting the recruit with all his/her human foibles by drilling instructions into a shoddy foundation. In the event of war or some other crisis, the army will need to know that their recruit can be relied upon 100%. No matter how intellectually capable or physically fit the young soldier is if he/she cannot hack the acute psychological aspects to army life then he/she will fail.

If the woman was not mentally stripped down by her man then there would be little likelihood of tears. Not being mentally stripped by first scolding her sternly would allow the woman to harbour resentment by evaluating the reasons behind her punishment. Such weighing up of the justifications of her spankings would only result in blocking the natural progression of tears. Sometimes this resentment would take a more unconscious level. The woman may find herself ‘zoning’ out mentally even though on the surface she seems to be complying and submitting beautifully. The experienced HOH would usually recognise such misbehaviour, since she would appear totally absent from the disciplinary process. She would usually lie across his lap limply and silently without flinching or omitting the slightest sound. If any of these occurrences take place then the HOH will realise that increasing the severity or length of the spanking at that point will not usually be effective. He should perhaps give up that particular discipline as being less effective and consider properly stripping his woman from her ‘mental’ faculties before the onset of her next disciplinary spanking. Similarly, corner time is not really effective without first stripping her mentally. The woman may stand beautifully in the corner and may visually appear to be contrite. Without first stripping the woman from her pride, attitudes and her misguided superior feminine behaviour corner time will have little effect.

Different emotions pertaining to different states of mind.

There are different emotional levels which result in very different types of crying. Angry tears or tears of pain differ from tears of tiredness, or feeling generally fed-up. Such tears often stay in the conscious or emerge from the sub-conscious. Then there are tears of losing control, by having this control taken away by your HOH. Such tears need not necessarily be angry tears, but more tears of frustration, tears which accompany hurt or wounded pride. It is generally such tears as these which act as a pre-cursor to catharsis, such tears are the key to unlocking the unconscious. Crying when having your pride stripped away leaves you surrendering your mental faculties to your HOH. Such a feeling of being both mentally and physically naked, or as Lovingdd advocates in his book, feeling, ‘humbled,’ ‘humiliated’ and ‘shamed’ leaves the woman in no position to argue. Her HOH has taken her emotions and stripped her from her control. The only thing she can now do is to obey his will and submit to the pain of her spanking. She must get into the right frame of mind before her spanking to accept his teaching as a beneficial lesson to free her from her negative attitudes and behaviours. If she really accepts that the spanking is solely for her benefit and that her HOH is less than impressed with her attitudes/misbehaviour and has no real desire to spank her, then this coupled with having her pride stripped will set the scene for entering those deeper levels of submission. This is where she will surrender to her HOH, with a clear and calm mind and be more receptive to his teachings. She will also be receptive to all those strong emotions in the collective unconscious. Such an ending will usually carry a favourable outcome – catharsis!

According to Freud there are three different states of mind, or ‘levels of consciousness.’ Freud used the analogy of an iceberg to exemplify this point. The very tip of the iceberg is the conscious mind. This is where a person would be able to spontaneously retrieve information. Such as what their name is, where they live, their age, etc… The sub-conscious is the part of the iceberg that can just be ‘seen’ under the water’s surface. Here information would need to be remembered – such as what they were doing on a particular day a few weeks back. The unconscious is the rest of this very vast and ‘unseen’ iceberg. The unconscious stores every irrelevant detail, such as passing a green Jeep twenty years ago with an unusual number plate. However, the unconscious also stores traumatic events which children cannot assimilate and make sense of. Children may witness events which would probably leave no bearing on an adult’s psyche, but are traumatic to the child. Or the child’s events may indeed be of a profoundly disturbing nature. The point I would like to stress, however, is that everyone has repressed emotions of some kind.

According to D. Deida, in his book ‘The Way of the Superior Man,’ women say what they feel, unlike men, who say what they think. By saying, acting on, or repressing disassociated ‘feelings’ into the unconscious, it is a small wonder men are often baffled when faced with women’s emotions. We can draw an interesting parallel between Deida’s insight into the differences between the male/female psyche and Freud’s psycho-analytical theory of the unconscious. It is also quite interesting to note, that it is a proven fact that psycho-analytical therapy (not clinical) mostly involves female clients!

Hypothetically, I believe that spanking can unlock repressed emotions from the unconscious, thus, help the woman overcome senses of deep rooted guilt and trauma.
Such a claim may not be founded in empirical evidence, but just because there is no statistical evidence supporting it, does not invalidate it. Most of science starts of as a hypothesis, before it can stand up and be credited as a theory. The objective is that these repressed emotions are tapped into via the careful application of loving domestic discipline. This is why it is of paramount importance to use those childish ‘key words’ since they unlock Freudian childhood emotions. These repressed emotions, may never have reached the conscious mind since childhood. Therefore, it is not surprising that such a powerful tool as loving domestic discipline can have profound effects on a woman. The key to a successful LDD relationship is the HOH’s ability to use loving domestic discipline to unlock emotions that neither of them are conscious of.

Steps women may find useful in helping to release those tears:

• Tap into your emotions
Perhaps the first step to take is to make a mental note of what makes you cry as a woman? What triggers those tears? If you can successfully equate a situation which is more likely to result in tears, then this situation will need further scrutiny.
For example, if you cry during a sad film or when reading a sad book, the likelihood of those tears is that you have tapped into some repressed emotion. Tears during such occasions demonstrate deep feelings of empathy – however, we can only ‘feel’ that empathy if we ourselves have had some of that experience. If we take Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina as an example, we need not necessarily have thrown our selves in front of a train in a past life to empathise with the eponymous character. But, rather we may find that our deeper emotions may lie in relating to that same feeling of isolation, that feeling of being misunderstood, thus, tapping into our own childhood rejection. Or, to take another example, crying whilst watching the death of Bambie’s mother may be caused by having been unduly worried about our own mother’s death in our early childhood.
If we can successfully access the root cause of our emotional upset, during sad films or books, then we may be able to tap into these emotions during ‘corner time.’ Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter what we think about, or how unrelated the tears are to the actual misbehaviour. The important thing is to allow the tears to flow freely, primarily, so that once flowing we can mentally transfer the focus from past memories to concentrating on our misbehaviour at hand.

• Zoning in
As it is easy for some women to ‘zone out’ during discipline by concentrating on a small part of a pattern on a cushion, rug or any other meaningless object. It is equally easy to ‘zone in’ during discipline. This can be done by holding onto a familiar and much loved object such as a teddy bear which has been with you since childhood. Such an act may seem silly or childish to some women, but it is the childlike nature which will more than likely bring out the tears. That familiar look, feel and smell of your teddy will trigger the memory of your childhood. Being over your HOH’s knee and being spanked whilst holding your teddy can be extremely effective on bringing out those tears. If your teddy still has a faint smell of your childhood home, then by holding your teddy close to your face and crying into your teddy during your spanking, will stimulate those deep memories and emotions, from your early childhood.

• A Much Loved Relative
If the idea of a teddy seems somehow childish or ridiculous, then another tactic would be to position a photograph of a loving deceased relative in view whilst you are being spanked. This can have an equally profound and enabling effect on bringing out those tears. You could start internalising feelings about this person whilst in the corner. You could try and imagine how disappointed that person must be to witness their favourite daughter/grand-daughter/niece getting spanked by her husband. How tragic it is that she still needs to be spanked at her age!

• Prayer
Religious women may find that prayer either solitary or jointly with their HOH can often aide in releasing tears. That profound relationship with the creator/God can access feelings of guilt which may not have been apparent. Deep introspection and prayer can begin hours before the actual spanking begins. This retreat from the rest of the family can help the woman access those deeper feelings of guilt/sin (sometimes opening deeper unconscious feelings.) Likewise, reading passages from the bible, or holding onto a rosary can invoke tears.

• Appropriate Behaviour v’s Fear
Lovingdd’s book has two very beneficial chapters which some women may find useful as an aide to draw out those tears. (Also in article form – free of charge, web address in the introduction.)
Here lies an anomaly; one is set to calm and the other to induce fear. A healthy balance of both is actually needed! If you find it difficult to maintain calm levels during your discipline. If you find yourself being unduly nervous and are more likely to come out of position because of fear, then you should read the chapter on Appropriate Behaviour. This chapter instructs a woman how she must behave during discipline. Reading this before the onset of your spanking may have a calming effect on some women. Such an effect will allow the woman to accept the severity of her punishment without allowing her fears to take hold to unacceptable levels. Being in a calm state of mind will help her explore those deeper levels of submission, which will result in complete surrender – catharsis. If the woman is too calm then she may find that reading the fears article is beneficial to redress this balance!

• Relax
It is important to realise not to force those tears – they should come eventually!
Worrying about not being able to cry will itself act as a block. Just relax yourself into the disciplinary process and consider it as a natural teaching aide. The more relaxed you are and the more natural and accepting you are of the situation the more likelihood that you will end in tears. Also, releasing those tears once, will have a very strong likelihood, that each and every subsequent discipline, will carry the same result.

Steps men may find useful in helping their woman release those tears:

• Changing the Tempo
Some women find that they only cry from the pain of their spanking and never manage to reach catharsis. If this is the case, then once their HOH is satisfied that they have been punished enough, then he could try changing the tempo and firmness of the spanking to a gentler one. A lighter spanking may trigger memories of similar childhood spankings, thus, access those repressed emotions. The HOH would have to be careful not to make this type of spanking erotic – his message is still a punitive one! It should still be firm and lengthy, but not as severe. This may also be a useful time to scold his woman. Scolding during a severe punishment often has little effect since she is too intent on the pain on her bottom. Scolding once the tempo has been changed can act as a mantra for drumming in the message and helping to release those tears. As previously stated, the HOH will need to use words of a childlike nature such as ‘naughty’ and ‘bad girl’ and how disappointed he is. Such scolding and stripping the woman down to feel deeply humbled is a form of negatively reinforcing her desired ‘good’ behaviour. However, a good HOH should end by conveying a positively reinforced message to his woman, by saying, “I want you to continue being that good girl, that good girl that makes me so proud.” By slowly building her up from stripping her down primarily, will give her the strength and confidence she will need to go forward. Such a tactic is generally useful as a pre-cursor to forgiveness and is used in the reconnection time when cuddling, forgiving and redemption take place.

• The Surprise Tactic
The ‘short’ ‘sharp’ ‘shock’ is another very good method to help induce those tears. Placing the woman over the knee the very moment her misbehaviour becomes apparent and quickly pulling her panties down can have an extreme disabling effect. One reason for her tears is that the woman will have had no time to build up her defences. She will have no argument – the wind will have been taken out of her sails so to speak!

• Visual Cues
Visual cues are also very effective, since this brings out her fear before the onset of her spanking. The fear of both seeing and hearing her HOH unbuckle his belt and slide it out of the belt loops is quite a scary moment! Some women may start crying from just witnessing such a scene! Other visual aides which may be equally effective involve the woman doing corner time whilst she is keeping hold of the implement(s) before the onset of her spanking. Such a technique forces her to become better acquainted with the implement(s), before they are firmly applied to her bottom.

In summery, this essay has tried to illustrate the complexities behind releasing tears during the disciplinary process. It has established that there is a dual inter-connection between the interplay of both the physical and emotional aspects of punishment. It has suggested teasing out one or two disciplinary techniques and placing more emphasis on them, depending on what disciplinary effect is required – to result in the emergence of an unconscious emotion.

This essay has also portrayed the necessity of tapping into the unconscious and bringing repressed emotions to the surface, which will aide in a cathartic outcome. The uses of childlike words/phrases are the necessary key to unlocking these emotions. Any childhood memories such as having to wait in a particular position, before the onset of punishment, or holding onto that much loved bear can have an equally profound effect in releasing tears.

This essay has also gone some small way to show a direct link between tears of frustration with the onset to catharsis. Since frustration often accompanies ‘hurt’ ‘wounded’ and ‘stripped’ pride, there is nowhere left for the woman to go in terms of blocking emotions and harbouring resentments. It has also been conveyed that such stripping is necessary in order to calm the woman to become more open and receptive to her husband’s teachings.

The essay, ends its journey by offering ‘some’ advise on helping to bring out the tears. In short, all advice is based on personal experience and as a result is only offered as an opinion by one practising couple and not as any ‘hard’ and ‘tested’ method.

Deida D 2004 The Way Of The Superior Man
Sounds True
Kline P 1990 Psychology and Freadian Theory
Lovingdd 2005 LDD


At 13.3.06, Blogger SmartNnaughty said...

Wow! C, you are an incredible writer! You and R should write a book to complement LDD's book. Clearly you understand the dynamics of the process and what is involved.

Your essay is something I will need to return to again and again. I'm not sure I have found the balance between calmness and fear. But then I haven't had a discipline or maintenance spanking since January. Perhaps when MG and I get to spend 6 days together without Sonny Boy at the end of the month, he will give me an appropriate spanking. I sure can use it!

Thanks for your wonderful essay!!!!


At 13.3.06, Blogger SmartNnaughty said...

PS I understand the concept of isolation as opposed to the reconnection after a spanking, but pardon my ignorance, what is a coventry?

At 14.3.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear SnN,

Thank you for your kind compliments. :)

No, I'm afraid neither R nor I, have the expertise to get close enough to complementing Lovingdd's book. He has the knowledge, we don't - we can only tease out some of his ideas and reflect on them. That is all. :)

Being sent to coventry is a UK expression and a rather 'Dickensian' form of punishment. Rather than being isolated from the family by being sent to your room for an hour, you stay with the family and are ignored. You are neither talked to nor looked at; it's as if you have ceased to exist... Such punishment could even last a couple days and would be emotionally gruelling for the punishee.

Thank you for taking the time to read my essay. Your comments are always greatly appreciated. :)


At 15.3.06, Blogger rivka said...

That essay was incredible. You are a very skilled writer, C! I can only echo SNN - WOW.

I don't know if I could deal with coventry... that would tear me up inside!! I'm afraid it would be too much for me, mainly because of my past.

At 15.3.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear Rivka,

You are a very skilled writer too! I certainly couldn’t write stories the way you do… I don’t have the creative imagination that you do. I guess we all have our own writing style.

Being ‘sent to coventry’ need not be all that gruelling... It all depends on the length of time you’re in coventry for. You could be sent for an hour, a day, night or evening, etc... The main reason I mentioned it in my essay, is that some women find it very difficult to release tears. Sometimes, women who have had earlier childhood traumas, have ‘survived’ emotionally by building strong defence mechanisms around their emotions. In such an event it may at times be necessary to use this method as a way of knocking those defence mechanisms down. Once she starts crying then her time in coventry should be ended immediately – otherwise it would be a cruel act, rather than a loving one!

I have never known where this phrase originated, although I know there is a city called ‘Coventry’ in the South of England. I was quite surprised to find when I googled it, that this phrase historically dates back to Oliver Cromwell and Charles the 1st. It was when prisoners were sent to the English city of Coventry and were completely snubbed by the locals.

Definition from Wikipedia:

"To be sent to Coventry is to be ostracised, shunned, or otherwise systematically ignored. The phrase dates from the English Civil War, when a military prison was located in the city."

All the best :)


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