Thursday, September 15, 2005

Where is the submission?

This is an honest and frank blog for which I thank you.

I have read LovingDD on Leadership carefully and some of the other entries as well. I offer you these comments.

The loss of respect you refer to is mutual. I have lost respect in myself as much or possibly more than you have in me. However, I do understand some of what your needs are and you express them well in this blog. There are some flaws, however, so please read on with care.

LovingDD refers to an army scenario. This is an unfortunate analogy for me. You know that I have experienced army life briefly. One of the reasons that I left was that I couldn’t/wouldn’t accept one sided discipline. So you can see why I might be in turmoil about discipline to you, especially about the big things. Recently, however, I have been working through this on my own with good results. Here is what I have come up with.

Firstly, I want to be able to put the past behind us. There are lots of ways to achieve this but for me it is about striving to live in the present and to work towards a positive future. That future now involves a DD relationship that was there all the time but very much hidden and not well understood by either of us. I agree that sites like LovingDD will help. It already has! However, there is a long way to go.

Secondly, I need to be able to decide what discipline you need not you! I understand that you may not have felt loved by my reaction to your flirting but that was my decision and I stand by it. Your HOH also has feelings and wasn’t feeling particularly loved at the time either.

Thirdly, I think you are demanding too much of me without trying yourself. Remember my ground rules? I don’t think so, because I have not seen much effort from you to please me recently. Your submission to me is qualified by what you expect to get yourself. Your HOH is learning to swim and has quite a lot of baggage to deal with. So you need to learn how to submit yourself to your HOH, even if it is not what you expected. Why should I be made to feel inadequate by you with comments like “is he HOH or are you??”, for example? If you were truly trying to please me and submit to my will, you would accept the regime I choose at the time for you. That is not to say that you could not request to talk to me about certain aspects but it should always be from a position of subservience. In return, I have a duty to try to understand your feelings more accurately. You know that this has always been tricky for me so I need your patience not your criticism. You attempt to dominate too much in the hope that I will (or won’t) do something in a particular way. At one level, you are reducing the DD relationship to a game yet you also see (as I do) that it is the saviour of our relationship.

You ask for a harsh regime. Well I agree – you need one, at least for now. I thought that we could achieve a position where you behave well and lovingly most of the time but you need to be broken like a wild horse first. However, I am not enamoured with the emphasis on chores, although they will still exist. What I want from you is more thoughtfulness. This is now your new watchword. I want you to recite it to yourself daily – like a mantra. Use it in your daily life. I will talk to you about this in more detail in person. The reason why I think learning to be thoughtful is so important is because it is your main area of weakness. You have always had a selfish outlook and it has never pleased me. I have always tolerated it in the past, mostly out of a misguided sense of love and thoughtfulness towards you. I now realise that this was a false kindness.

My darling, you are spoilt!

R xxx

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