Monday, September 19, 2005

Please be patient with me...

Darling R,
Yes... I do agree with everything you said in your last blog.
Firstly, I would like to talk to you about my lack of total submissiveness. This I find hard darling, but want to please you more than anything else in the world...
Though I'm naturally submissive, the main reason for my difficulty in maintaining it, is my upbringing. All women from my culture are naturally dominant and control everything within the home (including their husbands!) As you well know my role model was not only a control freak but extremely manipulative as well! As a child I only had her example to follow... She made everyone around her unhappy, controlled people with money and if you stood your ground you no longer felt loved( or not as much...)

Truthfully, I hate being in control! Control to me releases an obsessive behaviour such as continuously checking to see if all the doors are locked before leaving the house. Never settling down when we are out... worrying that I may have left the hob on, or window unlocked. Also when we have guests I force more food onto their plates and get stressed if they refuse to eat it... I control you you and wish I wouldn't.... like, what clothes you should wear, what matches with what.... You really upset me when you sneaked off into the jungle in Thailand wearing your brand new M&S shirt which was badly ripped when you got back! Darling this is a learning curve for both of us, if you want me to totally give up my control (which would please us both) then please wear appropriatly old clothes for the garage and garden and not have me stress and nag when I can't get the oil out!

I liken the feeling to losing or giving up my control to the analogy of letting go of the handrail at a swimming pool and venturing into the deep end. You are at the deep end and I know that you will keep us all safe, but what if you don't/can't in a lapse of concentration and we all start sinking as a result? Please understand my darling that I TRULY want to give up control but it will take time... I actually favour the idea of being given an allowance for house keeping. Prior to your affair I was VERY good with money, now I'm not... until you can trust me again I suggest you take all credit cards away from me. Sorry darling, if you think that I'm being disrespectful or bossy or dominant by demanding this... I really don't mean to be ;)

The second issue you raised was that I am spoilt. Yes darling I am, but I don't want to be...
I was spoilt at home and never lifted a finger the cleaner did everything... as a result I LOATH housework more than anything.... I like cooking and gardening because they are creative, but housework? YUK!! But darling, you have continued to spoil me.... I can go, do and buy whatever I want. You never ask any questions....

You are right about my lack of thoughtfulness to others and the state of our planet... You are SO thoughtful darling and I'm so proud of you for that! I will try my VERY best to be more thoughtful and have decided with your permission to buy some different coloured boxes for recycling. I will throw ALL kitchen waste into the compost bin and start some voluntry work (once a week) with the Samaratans.

I will need alot of patience and love, not to mention alot of discipline to break all my bad habits. But I promise you that I WILL put EVERY EFFORT into this. I want so very much to please you and I want you to be pleased with me in return.

Your loving wife,
C xxxxxx


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