Since keeping a journal as suggested in Lovingdd's blog I can no longer say that I have been obedient. In fact, looking at the entries that I made all week have made me very ashamed...
Please don't be cross with me darling. I can't bear to hurt you now that we are getting close again.
Here is an account of my misgivings and disobedience to you:
- Did not mow the lawn like you told me to.
- Neglected our son's student forms
- Snapped several times at our son, who commented that I'm really grumpy
- Been lazy and did not do anything in the house
- Was really bitchy to our daughter when she phoned from school (she was being so nice aswell!)
- Talked myself out of doing the house due to despondency and depression
- Promised my HOH that I would do the housework but played bridge all day instead
- Read more articles from Lovingdd when you told me that doing the house was my priority and we could both read the articles together at the weekend
- Apologised to both of the children for my appalling behaviour
- Accepted my 11 o'clock bed time without demur
- Thanked my HOH for not allowing me more 'Time Out' but having the resolution to carry me through and for taking the time to talk to me when his staff needed him
- Useing the the word thoughtful as my daily mantra
- Was messing about with our son using vulgar language and a coarse dialect as a joke without realising that the front door was open and my neighbour was by the gate. She looked most unimpressed!! I feel ashamed that I let the family down with my thoughtless misbehaviour
- Showed little respect to you when I told our son that I will buy him the latest ipod - even though you blatently told me I couldn't
- Showed disrespect to you when our son warned me that to buy the ipod would be dishonest if you had not given your consent. I told him that you would never notice anyway being a typical man! thus I undermined your authority in the home! (Really sorry!)
- By undermining your masculinity I inadvertently showed disrespect to our sons masculinity!
- Started seriously thinking about the environment and composting kitchen waste. Thus showing respect to your wishes and the environment as a whole.
- Was respectful to you when you left work to call me privately and deal with my problems. I thanked you and felt really humbled that you took time away from work and your staff to talk to me about my disobedient and childish behaviour.
- Told our son that we could sneek £179.00 out of the bank account to make up for neglecting to hand in his student forms, thus making life complicated due to my disorganisation. However, even though my intent was noble I clearly did this when you forbade it. Thus, dishohouring you and devaluing your position in the home as HOH.
- I have told my HOH all my wayward misbehaviour.
I haven't seen you for 2 weeks R. Last week I wasn't so stressed out. This week I have found the simplest of jobs difficult, I am neither sleeping nor eating well. I feel the tension within me rising like a pressure cooker - My mind is racing, all I want to do is have a good cry but I can't...
Please make me cry this weekend R, even if it means having a massive argument. You know that spanking doesn't make me cry... I wish it did... I really wish it did!!
I want to have a happy Christian home laced with good standing moral values. Please help me to achieve this happiness for the sake of ourselves, the children and all our family and friends.