Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Horrible End to the Old Year - Horrible Start to the New!

Since November, I’ve found it very difficult to blog. I have never worn my heart on my sleeve and find it hard to let go of pain sometimes. I rather opt for the ‘Don’t worry, be happy approach’ - even though inside I feel like fragmented glass.

In November, my daughter was suspended from her elite boarding school, for getting drunk at an Amnesty International concert. To make matters worse she then threw up all over the Head Misstress! She showed little remorse, but more worryingly, she showed little interest in her academic work. She started falling hopelessly behind – every new day became a greater obstacle to catch up. For a child who achieves all A's, plays grade 8 flute, violin and piano and is an expected candidate for Oxbridge, such action is seriously out of character!

Two weeks ago the school rang late at night, to inform me that she had cut herself (approximately 50 times with a razor blade). R took a week off work and we went to collect her. We spent the whole week talking with her, trying to get to the root of the problem. We found that, she simply couldn’t cope with the gripping academic pressure. She had, only recently found out about R’s affair and the illegitimate child. I lost control a few months back and regretfully screamed this information at her. I am very ashamed for doing this! For 8 years I have kept this from her and maintained dignity and control – noblesse oblige. Then, one day it all came out. She accused me of being cold and heartless to her beloved father. I listened to her accusations, about how she only respected him, not me, about how much she only loved him, not me. I have listened to all this before and have grown accustomed to it. This time, however, there was a new twist, one I wasn’t expecting… she told me that the whole family would benefit if I just quietly left - that I only married R for his money. (What money he was only 19 when I married him and I 18 - we were both very poor students). She said this in such a nasty yet convincing way – so I ended up screaming at her that he was the one to live a double life, with a woman in the city, whilst making love with me at the weekends. He was the one to have fathered this illigitimate child. I was the one that has kept the family together and I was only doing this for HER - as soon as she was 18, I was going to acquire my own much deserved freedom, where I would leave R!! I said this in the heat of the moment and now really regret it; as a result she is now suffering from it.

We dashed to the school, in the moment of being told about her self-harm and as a result, we didn’t clear up any ‘spanking’ evidence. On her arrival she found the Loopy Johnny and was aghast, that her pacifistic father would want to engage in something like that. But as usual, I got the brunt of her anger and I was accused of being weak and pathetic. We tried to show her Lovingdd’s blog and convince her how natural it was - that it wasn’t bondage, but she wasn’t having any of it! Wanting to do my very best for her (being frightened that she may cut herself again) I withdrew my consent to LDD. During that week my stress levels spiralled out of control, yet there was nothing R could do. I needed spanking more than at any other time – but I had withdrawn consent.

Last week she returned to school. We handed in her notice and told the school that she wouldn’t be coming back next term. The school agreed that they would keep her until the end of term, provided she broke no more school rules. Within two days the school rang, to let us know that they had decided to expel her for missing breakfast and sneaking out to meet her boyfriend, from the adjoining boy’s school. Not much of a reason to get expelled for, but I suppose, with this terms fees paid, the school just wanted to abolish their responsibility. They no longer wanted to act as loco-parentis. Who can blame them? She is clearly very volatile at present.

My daughter is now home with her education in tatters. I am trying SO hard to be strong and support her. I love her more than life itself, I just wish I knew what to do?

C

8 Comments:

At 1.2.06, Blogger ann regel said...

C,

What a hard time you are having. I am so sorry to know that things are this difficult. When the world comes crashing down, it really does a good job. I'm off to work right now but know that I care about all of you and I will pray for you.

SNN

 
At 2.2.06, Blogger Malcolm said...

Very sorry to hear this, C. I have emailed you.

Malcolm

 
At 2.2.06, Blogger Storm Rider said...

Holy Shit "R"! And I thought you where just slacking in posting! I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through.
My daughter is now 28 and I have a Grandchild. When she was younger and in her teens , I thought she had hit her head and gone daft! Then I remembered what I was like. Has'nt changed, I only know 25% of what I thought I did when I was a teenager. Of course this takes time to figure out.
One thing is for sure, her cutting herself is the same as a spanking. I know this may throw you a little, but it really is.
The pain she feels through self mutalation allows the brain to release endorphans the same way as when you get a spanking. The end result is a feeling of euphoria and guilt free. (no, I dont have a license for this shit, its only MY opinion)
I hope things get better "R", sometimes we ALL say things out of anger, but as long as it is recognized, we can control it better and explain it better then this will make us all a little better!
Hugs and Kisses Sweety!

 
At 2.2.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear SnN,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes at this rather dark time. You are right about the world crashing down, but perhaps this was all meant to happen? Perhaps, it is a test for both R and myself to learn from? I am feeling so much stronger now. Your kind thoughts have made me realise that I'm not alone.

Thank you for holding me in your prayers.

C

Dear Malcolm,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and useful advice about EFT. I have looked at both the links you provided in your email to me and will follow them up shortly. I will let you know by email how it goes.

I recently saw a television programme with Paul McKenna who was using this type of technique on phobias but he didn't mention EFT once. The affirmation on 'accepting' yourself was exactly the same.

Thank you for your support and encouragement.

C

Dear Storm,

No, I wasn't just slacking... but I wasn't being very open with my feelings either. Now I've let them go via this blog I feel one hell of a lot better! Living in England almost all of my life, I've kind of been conditioned to 'keeping a stiff upper lip' as us Brits say. Not the healthiest way of dealing with things...

I never really considered that cutting yourself is the same as spanking. I think you may be onto something there Storm. Z told me that after doing it she felt a huge amount of pressure lifted. So I guess those were her endorphins being released. She also told me, that she has cut herself on more than one occasion, but it was never serious enough to be discovered. Now that is a worrying thought!

I'm really very touched by people’s kind responses. I'm so used to putting on a mask and battling through. The "...entire world's a stage" scenario. This has been a useful lesson for me.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, and support.

C

 
At 3.2.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

And thank you all from me too. C has been dealing with things increadibly well. She now has our messed up and disgruntled daughter home all day so I am glad that the house is big enough for them to avoid each other when they need to. So far, I think C has done remarkably well. I am very proud of her. I am trying to help C maintain her self control. Screaming is so undignified and just signals a weakness that our daughter can exploit like the time when C told about my affair.

Best wishes

R

 
At 4.2.06, Blogger rivka said...

Wow..I am so sorry that life has taken this turn for you two. I've not much advice... Although, I'm not far from my teenage years and went through a few things resembling what your daughter seems to be dealing with. In my opinion, she's got a lot of hurt and bitterness built up inside of her.
You all are in my thoughts and prayers... I hope things start to turn up.

 
At 4.2.06, Blogger Malcolm said...

C,

I have heard about Paul McKenna and his use of tapping, though I haven't seen the programme. I have also heard the comments that he does not call it EFT. Never mind, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Other energy therapies going by different names use tapping, pressing or something very similar.
If you get the EFT newsletter there's an article on cutting there this week, I have sent you the link in an email, but here it is again, so that others can read it, too: http://www.emofree.com/articles/self-cutter.htm

I support the idea that cutting has similarities with spanking. Both serve to alleviate guilt feelings. I think Storm is clever to have spotted this and pointed it out.

Remember, C, these troubles will pass and your daughter will most likely grow into a beautiful, sane young woman.

Malcolm

 
At 4.2.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear Rivka,

Thank you for your kind comment, it is very much appreciated!
Yes, Z does have a lot of hurt built up inside her. Hopefully when she starts to mature many of her problems won't seem quite as acute. All R and I can do is love and support her – which is really what any parent can do.

Today she is off to the city, to meet her boyfriend. Z opened out to me the other day and told me, that he is a very big part of the problem. They seem to have a very volatile, if not destructive relationship, where she is constantly testing his patience to the extreme. She tells me that she knows that it's wrong and knows she risks losing him, but she simply can't help it. The irony is that I was exactly the same at her age. It took years for my relationship with R to sober up. There are so many parallels with Z and myself. I think I must have been 19 when R resorted to spanking me. I know that Z desperately needs her boyfriend to show his masculine authority (which need not necessarily be spanking). She is desperately seeking for him to set boundaries, so that she can feel that deep love and security from him.

I can see all the solutions to their problems. R and I have ‘been there, done that and bought the t-shirt’ if you excuse the pun, but it still doesn’t make things any easier!
I can guide Z to where the solution is but in the end it is for her and her boyfriend to try and resolve.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers,
C

 

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