Horrible End to the Old Year - Horrible Start to the New!

Since November, I’ve found it very difficult to blog. I have never worn my heart on my sleeve and find it hard to let go of pain sometimes. I rather opt for the ‘Don’t worry, be happy approach’ - even though inside I feel like fragmented glass.

In November, my daughter was suspended from her elite boarding school, for getting drunk at an Amnesty International concert. To make matters worse she then threw up all over the Head Misstress! She showed little remorse, but more worryingly, she showed little interest in her academic work. She started falling hopelessly behind – every new day became a greater obstacle to catch up. For a child who achieves all A's, plays grade 8 flute, violin and piano and is an expected candidate for Oxbridge, such action is seriously out of character!

Two weeks ago the school rang late at night, to inform me that she had cut herself (approximately 50 times with a razor blade). R took a week off work and we went to collect her. We spent the whole week talking with her, trying to get to the root of the problem. We found that, she simply couldn’t cope with the gripping academic pressure. She had, only recently found out about R’s affair and the illegitimate child. I lost control a few months back and regretfully screamed this information at her. I am very ashamed for doing this! For 8 years I have kept this from her and maintained dignity and control – noblesse oblige. Then, one day it all came out. She accused me of being cold and heartless to her beloved father. I listened to her accusations, about how she only respected him, not me, about how much she only loved him, not me. I have listened to all this before and have grown accustomed to it. This time, however, there was a new twist, one I wasn’t expecting… she told me that the whole family would benefit if I just quietly left - that I only married R for his money. (What money he was only 19 when I married him and I 18 - we were both very poor students). She said this in such a nasty yet convincing way – so I ended up screaming at her that he was the one to live a double life, with a woman in the city, whilst making love with me at the weekends. He was the one to have fathered this illigitimate child. I was the one that has kept the family together and I was only doing this for HER - as soon as she was 18, I was going to acquire my own much deserved freedom, where I would leave R!! I said this in the heat of the moment and now really regret it; as a result she is now suffering from it.

We dashed to the school, in the moment of being told about her self-harm and as a result, we didn’t clear up any ‘spanking’ evidence. On her arrival she found the Loopy Johnny and was aghast, that her pacifistic father would want to engage in something like that. But as usual, I got the brunt of her anger and I was accused of being weak and pathetic. We tried to show her Lovingdd’s blog and convince her how natural it was - that it wasn’t bondage, but she wasn’t having any of it! Wanting to do my very best for her (being frightened that she may cut herself again) I withdrew my consent to LDD. During that week my stress levels spiralled out of control, yet there was nothing R could do. I needed spanking more than at any other time – but I had withdrawn consent.

Last week she returned to school. We handed in her notice and told the school that she wouldn’t be coming back next term. The school agreed that they would keep her until the end of term, provided she broke no more school rules. Within two days the school rang, to let us know that they had decided to expel her for missing breakfast and sneaking out to meet her boyfriend, from the adjoining boy’s school. Not much of a reason to get expelled for, but I suppose, with this terms fees paid, the school just wanted to abolish their responsibility. They no longer wanted to act as loco-parentis. Who can blame them? She is clearly very volatile at present.

My daughter is now home with her education in tatters. I am trying SO hard to be strong and support her. I love her more than life itself, I just wish I knew what to do?

C