1) My Punishments.... 2)The Reasons I'm Unable To Cry....

Yet again the cleaning of his precious house hadn’t been done… or done half heartedly. R told me that under no uncertain terms would I be let off… I would be getting the cane!
R knows that the cane is my most feared instrument for chastisement since the welts swell up and can make sitting impossible not just uncomfortable! I told him that our new Lovingdd Bible discourages the use of such an instrument! Where is the LOVE in caning someone half to death? R went to bed (it was 5am) and told me that he wanted to see a tidy house when he got up….. I tidied some of the house but was too angry and defiant to do a proper job. I was angry about being spanked for something as meaningless as the house, when there were other MUCH more punishable offences… I convinced myself that the chores were a symptom of my bad behaviour, not the cause; therefore, if the cause was tackled then the symptoms would automatically change by themselves…

R got up several hours later and had decided that to punish me when I was in that frame of mind would be futile. He had been reading our new LDD Bible (lovingdd.blogspot.com) and had decided to wait until he could see some remorse.
We talked for some time…. he told me that whether the house was tidy or not was beside the point. His main concern was my obedience to him, as HOH if he tells me to do something, then I do it…simple! I can always RESPECTFULLY request to review the reasons behind the punishment at a later time, but NEVER to undermine his authority by measuring the justice of my discipline before he is about to administer it!

I was sent to the ‘naughty corner’ for half an hour to contemplate on what he had said…. For the first time since R’s affair I prayed to God so that I could truly and deeply repent, so that I could cry and submit mentally, not just physically, so that I could feel his deep love and masculine energy I once felt before his affair 8yrs ago. I felt a stillness come over me…. for the first time in 8yrs I felt God’s love, strength and protection come pouring into me. With that came the frightful realization that my loving HOH was working long, hard hours away from the family so as to put food on the table, all I did was waste his money on myself on such selfish and stupid things! The very least my loving HOH could expect was a clean and loving home!
My HOH was also putting an incredible amount of energy into our newly ‘adapted’ LDD lifestyle, whilst I was manipulating and controlling each step of the way! I wish R could have left me longer in the ‘naughty corner’ I was close to tears with my introspection and think I may have cried if only I had been given longer to pray…

I heard his voice calling me from downstairs telling me to come into the library… I entered gingerly in… “ ‘C’ I’m going to punish you now, do you know why you are going to get punished?” Of course I knew… corner time had made me as guilty and remorseful as hell. “Go and fetch me the paddle!” Such a command would have previously made my stomach clench with fear, but I must confess I was relieved to acknowledge that I wouldn’t be getting the cane after all! (All thanks to Lovingdd’s articles!!) I brought him the paddle and placed it on the antique, velvet, high backed chair he had positioned in the centre of the room. “Now go into the corner and take your boots off!” I had never before been asked to take my shoes off for a spanking, but I thought that the boots I was wearing did have pretty nasty heels which may injure him if I did decided to buck. “Keep going!” He commanded... Ok, the Levis I was wearing were figure hugging so I guess he would want me to make his job easier, (R usually pulls my jeans and panties down himself whilst over his knee) “Keep going!” I guess R wants me nude from the waste down, so I slipped my panties off. “Keep going!!!” HOLY COW!! The penny had dropped! R had read Lov.dd’s article on nudity… this was too much!!!! I hesitated, not because I’m ashamed of my body in front of my HOH but because I felt such embarrassment and humility having to stand naked in front of him in broad day light in our most formal room with him fully clothed. His voice interrupted my thoughts… “KEEP GOING!!” He demanded... I obediently took every last stitch of clothing off including my watch and stood facing the wall. He then started scolding me and telling me that he wanted to see a BIG change in my behaviour. I looked down and saw my breasts, felt my warm feminine skin, heard his masculine commanding voice and actually felt my much weaker feminine energies, against his powerful masculine ones…

He took hold of my hand and led me to the high backed chair and sat down. “Get over my knee,” He ordered. It was a really strange and humiliating experience going over his knee totally naked – I could feel his trousers and jumper pressing against my nudity, I could see my breasts hanging over the chair. I could see the family portraits of my ancestors hanging on the wall, looking down and witnessing an event that they had never engaged in themselves, when I was a child… had they spanked me then, perhaps my behaviour wouldn’t need constant correction! I felt such utter shame and humility… I felt like a naughty child about to be spanked!

R started spanking me with his hand softly (more like an erotic spanking…) my bottom felt tingly, warm and nice. He then spanked me with not such a relaxed hand and my bottom was starting to sting… his tempo quickened, I closed my eyes and thought that this really was a hard hand spanking… After about 5 min R stopped rubbed his hand across my bottom and reached down to pick up the paddle, oh, sh** I thought, here goes…!! the paddle hurt like hell!! R started moderately hard, but ended up spanking me very hard… I begged him to stop, I tried relaxing my bottom and not clenching my cheeks to ease the pain and stop the inevitable bruising. I told him that it was REALLY hurting, but give him his dues he carried on for 5 minutes; he told me it was MEANT TO HURT! After 5 minutes he stopped and told me to go and stand in the corner. I got up off his lap and walked over. It was hard to walk; my rear was on fire and felt that it had swollen to double its size. I didn’t rub it as I usually do in case R had read in the LDD blog that a woman should never do this as part of the punishment process. So I clenched my hands behind my neck like a good girl and stood there with my back arched and bottom sticking out. “Well that’s a sight I like to see!” Exclaimed R, “A very sore and red bottom!” After a few moments he called me to him. I knelt in front of him and thanked him for his constant efforts in trying to make me into a better person. I kissed his hand and asked if it hurt? I then sat on his knee, was hugged and told him how sorry I was. “Why didn’t you cry C?” He asked… “You’re a tough nut to crack!” He said with a smile. I told him that I was sorry not to cry, I told him that crying/not crying does not deter from my GENUINE sorrow of being constantly disobedient! He told me that he knows how sorry I am and how much I want to cry but just can’t! I asked him if he thought me less of a woman for not being able to cry, after all crying is a very feminine attribute he told me not to be ridiculous!

After my severe spanking, to complete the punishment, I had to write a 1000 word essay on "Respecting My HOH"

WHY I CAN’T CRY:

I actually know why I can’t cry during my spankings…
This is the reason why I have always found it difficult to cry:
At the age of seven I was sent to a convent boarding school in the south of England. The dormitory mistress Sister K wielded her belt with such viciousness across our naked bottoms with all the other girls crowding around and witnessing the punishments. I was warned by one of the girls on arrival that, if I was ever to get the belt not to cry! If you cried then that satisfied Sister K that she was having the desired affect in driving Satan out of you!
The girls who cried really did get the belt frequently for hardly misbehaving at all! I got the belt once and laughed all the way through (the other girls congratulated me for being such a heroine!) When that bloody nun had finished I threw defiant daggers at her!!! That evil nun could do what she liked but she was NOT going to make me repent!!!!! I hated her and still do, after so many years! I once trapped her in a door and told her that she would BURN IN HELL and she laughed and told me that it was me that would end up in hell!! Another time I got everyone’s talcum powder and sprinkled it on the dormitory floor so that it could look like snow indoors. She watched me and decided to ignore my misbehaviour… whilst other girls who were cry babies, got the belt just for talking after lights out! I think, in retrospect, that nun was scared of me. I was VERY tempted on a number of occasions to tell an adult what was happening, especially since this one time, a girl who Sister K hated most of all ended up with bruises all across her back as well as her bottom! The memories I have of this girl are always with redness around her eyes...

This is the reason I now find it impossible to cry:
The prevalent reason why I can't cry is the lack of total respect for my HOH.

• How can I respect my man, without question and reserve if he has been unfaithful to me?
• How can I empathise with him in order to heal and move on if I could NEVER dream of being unfaithful to him myself?
• How can I let my emotions go whilst over his knee when my misbehaviours are mere trifles compared to his?
• How can I let my emotions go whilst across his knee of fear of either being unable to stop crying, or worse still releasing my anger on him.... if I were to release this anger, I fear that I may KILL HIM!! I have never shown my anger towards him but have held it in. This I did in order to maintain balance and poise in the home so that the children would not suffer from the IMMENSE pain he has bestowed on us all!

Why am I still with him? Because prior to his adultery we were living LDD to the full. I respected him fully and gave myself to him emotionally in mind and body. By releasing my emotions(through tears) with total submission I was giving him the very essence of my being - my true natural feminine self.
I remember this flow that existed between us. When we made love we joined the physical (sex) with the emotional (love) with the deeply spiritual (Nirvana) - This deeply spiritual aspect can only be reached if the woman totally submits to her man by giving him the inner core of her soul...
I am still with him because I want him back the way we were before.... will this ever happen? I really don't know.... ?
I suppose there are real dangers and rewards to loving and submitting to someone as deeply as I have done. The reward is that such deep all encompassing surrendering results in the woman ONLY ever fantasising about her man... she is him and he is her. Both their masculine and feminine energies become entertwined so that individuality becomes one whole in some metaphysical and spiritual realm that they reach in their love making.With such love it would be impossible for her to think or look at another man let alone have an affair.(Thus making the marriage unbreakable.) But by the same token, the dangers are that if anything were to go wrong it would be impossible for the woman to move on and leave her man and form a healthy sexual LDD relationship with anyone else. How could she leave him after such close intensity?

Since R's affair I have tried to imagine myself with someone else. I have tried flirting with 3 men but have been unable to go beyond that... I married R at the age of 18, but was his girl friend since the age of 15. For a quarter of a centuary R is all I have ever known.... R broke my virginity.... R and I were child lovers... R and I were at boarding school together... R would punish me at school as Head Boy he had the right to administer lines, fagging (which is English Public School terminology for serving the older 6th former by cleaning his shoes etc..) and other other such punishments - hence this is where my submission to him first started.... R is my best friend, confidant and soul mate!

So why did he betray me if our lives were so perfect? The reason was a chain of disastrous events and consequences. First his mother died then a month later my father died followed 6 months later by my mother. R lost his business and ended up selling petrol at a gas station. Such a job was degrading for someone with two Master degrees! He did it to support us all financially... finally he got a temporary position in the city. At this time I was in a tremendous amount of pain at having lost both my parents (particularly my father) I lost my libido and didn't think that R would be interested in love making with all the emotional turmoil and grief around us.... in the city R was isolated lonely and confused. He had been uprooted from his familiar family surroundings. It is a small wonder he went with that evil woman! Actually, she manipulated and weasled her way into his life. She pretended to be his friend when all the time she had her stall set out! Eventually R succumbed but told her that he was very much in love with his wife.... he tried to finish after a couple of times, but she blackmailed him by saying that she had taken down his home address which was written on his suitcase and would contact me if he ever tried to break from her. She refused him in wearing a condom and told him that she was on the pill and so sex was safe. My husband was naive, he only had me to measure against, he had no idea about the evil manipulation caused by women like this! As a consequence she fell pregnant, refused to have an abortion and named her male child R after my husband!! She contacted the CSA (Child Support Agency) once she realised that R wanted nothing to do with her, and as a result we have to pay just under one thousand US dollars a month!! This is the same amount that a person would pay for a small mortgage! The CSA don't look into individual cases at all, there have been a tremendous amount of broken marriages and suicides from their stringent rules. The CSA have deduced that ONLY a small part of our large sum of money goes on the child, the rest goes on HER his ex- partner!! When in the hell was he ever HER partner?? Why did the CSA have the audacity to call her his partner??? He simply SCREWED her and that is all!!!!

A very clever Buddhist friend once said to me: “ C, you must accept this pain like a knife stabbing you…. Just still your mind and accept it. If you fight it then your hands will get cut and slashed as you ward off the knife and the actual wound will get deeper. I didn’t take my dear Vietnamese friends advice and as a result my wounds have become deeper….

I did cry on Sunday…. I deliberately picked a fight with R to get some of my anger and frustration out and have a good cry (arguing always makes me cry) When R simply tapped me gently across the face, to snap me out of my tantrum. I started really crying (in my country men NEVER hit a woman across the face!) “C, I hardly even touched you… that was a mere tap!” R, exclaimed.
Now there must be something psychological there… he can spank me to a pulp and no tears, have an argument with me, or gently tap my face or any other part of my body that isn’t my bottom and I’m in floods of tears!!!

Any sad film or book will also make me cry. When the children were little there were two books which I simply couldn't read to them without crying. I used to really try and brace myself if they wanted one of these stories read... but to no avail... I could only read half way through, then much to my children's surprise burst into tears. The two books incidently are both by Oscar Wilde "The Happy Prince" and "The Selfish Giant"

If I may respectfully request beloved husband, next time I cry in a given situation, please spank me just as soon as I start crying, so that I can learn to let my emotions go whilst over your knee!