HOH

HOH (Head of Household)

I'm ashamed to admit to our ‘old’ style of LDD. I always thought we were doing it right. But we were doing it SO wrong! Neither of us were happy as a result!

In our ‘old’ style of LDD, I (the woman) was a ‘closeted’ HOH. Oh, I pretended my husband was head. I gave him the title and he would sit at the head of the table and carve the Sunday roast, even say grace… but this is sadly, all I allowed him to do…

He was the ‘Head’ but I was the ‘Neck’ since I twisted his head in any direction I chose....! Sometimes, I would make him think that it was his idea, when it was clearly mine. Thus, covertly, leading and pushing him from behind… Other times, I would be blatant and direct. I would simply ‘tell him’ of some arrangement and what his role and expectations were. Thus, overtly, demanding that he comply… It was at these times that my husband would often feel SO patronised that we would end up having a blazing argument. “DON’T UNDERMINE ME C!” R would quite frequently shout. Undermine him??? Sadly, I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about!

I was raised by a woman being HOH. I was raised in such utter confusion since the ‘man’ of the house was a successful army General. I was constantly reminded as I grew up that a woman is like the ‘motor’ in the home. If the motor breaks down the whole house will collapse… Women from my culture are all HOH - I’ve never known anything different! I was SO angry when my husband blamed me for undermining him! I REALLY had no notion of what he was talking about! I ran the house, it was my job! I gave up the chance of having a career so that the children would benefit from my constant, direct attention and focus! They didn’t fit into my life, but I fitted into theirs! They were my number one priority! Every day, they would both have an after school activity. Flute, violin and piano lessons; Swimming lessons, ballet, tennis etc… I drove the children to work hard and be successful - to be competitive. I was raised the same way. Families like ours were ALWAYS successful!! I drew them into the world of literature. I would start them off on classics such as Jane Eyre or Rebecca from the age of about seven. I would encourage them to be critical, to analyze. We would discuss the Plot, Characters, imagery, Style, Argument, Setting and Organisation. To argue logically with reason and passion! The children would then go and write their own essay. I would encourage them to use their senses. What could they see, smell, hear, taste, feel? They learned that writing a descriptive piece was like painting a picture using words…
I once took our son to see ‘The Secret Garden’ in the cinema. “Oh, mummy, I really enjoyed that, I’ll have to read the book when I get home.” I told our son that we didn’t have the book, but I would buy it. However, our son was adamant that he saw the book on our library shelf. I didn’t pay much attention… A few weeks later our eight year old looked at me confusingly and said that he had tried to read ‘The Secret Garden’ but it was NOTHING AT ALL like the film! Whilst, cleaning his room I found the book. I held the book aghast, my blood chilled, when I saw what he had been reading: ‘My Secret Garden’ By Nancy Friday, all about women’s sexual fantasies!!

I was the leader, I organised all the children’s parties. Birthday, Christmas, Halloween, Easter. I would spend weeks organising the food, games, music and decorations. Everything was themed. Then there were all the pyjama parties and sleep-overs. Every night I would spend at least three hours preparing dinner for the family. Every week I would bake several loaves of bread. I’d make my own jam, cakes, biscuits and pastries – NOTHING absolutely NOTHING came out of a box or jar! The kitchen was my HQ I became wrought if anyone touched MY equipment! I became ‘leader’ for other women to follow. They were envious of my success in the home. Whilst they had their careers outside the home, my career was inside – charity beginning very much at home!! This is the way I was raised!!

I’m afraid my behaviour eventually spiralled out of control! It wasn’t just the children being competitive with other children. I became increasingly competitive with the other mother’s. Why was their child on grade 5 violin, whilst mine was still at grade 3?? Such competition resulted in me putting increased and unnecessary pressure on the children. Their activities were no longer fun but a chore!! Thank God they both went to boarding school. My demanding and controlling nature was beginning to suffocate them!!

Having my bottom spanked was very much my forte not R’s. I would actually control my submission to him!! First we would discuss the fine details (much to his annoyance!) Whether he was to use the settee, bed or chair? What position? What he would say? (Usually, I would want him to say, "You have been a VERY naughty little girl! You are going to GET a firmly spanked bottom!") I would then demand a lengthy but gentle hand spanking. After ALL his efforts I would frequently become REALLY moody afterwards... There would always be something that R would forget and omit. Or he simply didn’t DO it in EXACTLY the way I imagined or wanted!! Sometimes he would be exasperated and flatly refuse to spank me. I would then BRAT and BRAT and BRAT and BRAT until at last he caved in, just to get some peace!!

He had an affair 8 years ago. Reading this you probably can’t blame him!! Sorry R – I’m really sorry! We have only just got back together again intimately. We never separated as such, but slept in different rooms. When we got back together R started blogging our new DD. I hated it but didn’t have the courage to tell him. He was trying so hard to give me what he thought I needed. But without being able to articulate what I needed it was hopeless! It wasn’t until I read Lovingdd that every thing fell into place!! I actually cried when I read those articles! For the VERY first time in my life I could understand what was missing!! We have taken on this lifestyle, sticking to it rigidly!!

R and I are growing SO close as a result!! We both love our new LDD lifestyle!! We are simply amazed that the more leadership, authority and consistency R bestows on me the more I totally submit to him and visa versa. I believe, that with total submission I am displaying my UTMOST gratitude for his constant efforts to teach and correct me. To say ‘Thank you’ is not really enough... Anyone can say this. As well as verbally thanking, I believe, you should SHOW your thanks by displaying appropriate behaviour - before, during and after punishment!!

Am I pleased not to be this bogus HOH? Yes!!!
Am I pleased to hand over all leadership to him? Yes!!!
Are we closer and happier as a result? Yes!!!

Do I honour his new position as HOH? DEFINITELY!!!!!!!!!

C