I Have Been a Very Bad Girl!

My HOH has made me post in a way which is humiliating for me. He is making me write my series of misbehaviours. I’ve had to write them during the course of the week rather than type since he had forbidden access to the computer. He has ordered that I reveal the extent of my appalling behaviour. Having to now re-write it on the computer retrospectively, is making me feel extremely ashamed and humiliated.

This week I have certainly turned a corner, thanks to the loving guidance and correction of my HOH. I have been made to see how utterly selfish, spoilt, defiant, resentful and childish I have been. My greatest fault, which R is slowly spanking out of me, is my total lack of self-control – when it comes to losing my cool. This is one area I’ve always found challenging. I have a hot temper which ignites in a split second, without much warning.

My behaviour has been slowly getting worse. With R working away, it is so easy to get away with things. I seriously misbehaved before R’s 5 week vacation and as a consequence, had to wait for an immediate punishment spanking on his arrival at 5:30am. This was not the best start to R’s 5 week vacation, neither was it the best start to his Birthday.

My Punishment Spanking:

I set my alarm for 5am and prepared myself for my spanking. R had told me that I would have an early morning punishment spanking, for engaging in my most destructive misbehaviour. I knew it would be severe and I knew it would be the first time the dragon cane would be properly used. I made a coffee, listened to the radio, keeping the volume low, so that I could be alerted to the sound of keys, unlocking the front door. All too soon I heard that familiar entrance, as the dog eagerly greeted R after his week of absence. I stealthily made my way upstairs and lay myself horizontally across the bed naked and waited for him….

I heard him walking around downstairs inspecting the results of my weekly chores. After about 10 minutes he came up and entered the room. “Give me your journal.” He said quietly. He then proceeded to read my weeks entries. Finally his voice interrupted my thoughts, “So, you have engaged in this destructive misbehaviour 4 times in one week?” “FOUR TIMES??” He repeated. I felt my eyes start to smart, he was in a very determined mood. “Yes Sir, but it isn’t my fault, I can’t help it.” I replied lamely. “You were doing remarkably well – you haven’t engaged in this misbehaviour for months! You can help it! I will not allow our daughter’s problems to consume you in this way!” R set the journal down and looked hard at me. “So, do you remember what implement I said I would use for such a serious offence?” “Yes Sir, the dragon cane.” I replied weakly. “And how many strokes should you get for engaging in this misbehaviour 4 times?” I looked blankly at him, “I don’t know Sir.” “Then THINK!” I tried to rack my brain – 1 time would traditionally mean '6 of the best' so 4 times would be 6 x 4, logically speaking. I couldn’t work out what 6 x 4 was, panic had started to consume me. “Hurry up, how many?” OK, if 6 squared = 36 then 36 – (2x6) =24 that couldn’t be right, 24 seemed an incredulously large number! “I don’t know sir,” I replied once more, my voice betraying my panic. “Then if you don’t know then neither do I. Stand up and bend right over the bed and stick your bottom out, right out!” “May I please have a pillow to hold onto?” I asked nervously. “Yes, but quickly get into position!” I could tell by R’s voice that he was going to drive the message home loud and clear. I got into position and watched him in horror as he started testing the cane. “Turn your head the other way.” R said sharply. I turned my head and started crying – I knew this was going to be a hard and painful lesson.

R started applying the cane really hard, without a warm-up, starting with the backs of my thighs and steadily working up. R rested the cane against my skin using it as a marker as he assessed where the next welt was going to be. After 7 or 8 of these I simply couldn’t take the pain anymore, and I felt quite nauseous. “R, I’m going to be sick!” I yelled. R looked at me steadily. “Do you want a basin? I’ll go and fetch one and you can keep it with you whilst I proceed – I am not letting you off this punishment!”

This next part I feel really ashamed about. But, his innocent remark which I misconstrued as flippant, the sharp and intense pain to my bottom, my nausea and the very early time of the morning (being mentally unprepared for such a painful spanking) made me act out of character. I’m afraid I then did something I’ve never done during my discipline before. I’m really ashamed to admit this, but, I lost my temper and turned on him.... “NO, I don’t want a flipping basin!” I shouted angrily, as I threw the pillow at him.

“C! HOW DARE YOU BE SO DISRESPECTFUL! In the corner with you now young lady, you have just earned yourself an equally severe disobedience discipline! It is really very unfortunate C, that your total disrespect to my correction of your misbehaviour and your lack of self-control, has now earned you further punishment. I was going to stop at 10 – just 2 more and that would have been the end of your punishment!” I felt my tears of helplessness and frustration falling as I stood against the wall, my bottom sore and welted – feeling utterly defeated. Why had I not stayed still? Why had I thrown a fit? Why had I disappointed R so much and on his birthday as well?

R went to the box and retrieved the loopy Johnny. He then proceeded to spank me very hard for a considerable time whilst in the corner. His voice pierced through the sound of my crying once he had finished. “This afternoon you will write a timed essay on the long term effects of this misbehaviour. In the meantime you can continue standing in the corner for I hour.” Oh, s---! I thought, why did I react like that? What was a big punishment has now escalated into an even bigger one…

My Disobedience Discipline:

We had to wait until Tuesday, for Z to be out of the house, before R administered my disobedience discipline. I had seriously let him down for my dangerous misbehaviour, my disrespect during discipline and my disobedience during the timed essay. I was so ashamed of my misconduct! Mentally I was now prepared for a very severe spanking indeed! Yes, I felt really sorry for letting my HOH down, but, I felt equally foolish for letting myself down. I knew I richly deserved it, I knew I only had myself to blame. That morning over breakfast I was very contemplative and quiet. R told me to read the chapters in Lovingdd’s book on Appropriate Behaviour during Discipline and the chapter on Disobedience Discipline as well. After reading these chapters R revealed to me the nature of my spanking. He told me that I would be receiving a very severe hand and belt spanking. That I would not be held down over his knee, but rather, I would exercise self-control by holding my position whilst bent over the arm of the settee. R made it very clear that if I came out of position, clenched my bottom, blocked with my hands, raised my feet or uttered any word or sound such as, “Ow, ouch,” Or even submissive gestures such as, “Thank you Sir/Husband,” Then I would get one very firm stroke of the dragon cane. I was then sent to the corner for half an hour to prepare mentally for the ordeal…

After half an hour, R led me to the settee and prepared a pillow for my head. He then placed the dragon cane across the sofa and told me to keep hold of it. That every stroke he gave me with his hand and belt I would feel the wood of the dragon in my hands (not bottom) and thank my lucky stars that he wasn’t using it on me.

It wasn’t long before I started crying cathartically. R was very pleased with the way I handled that punishment. Somehow ‘knowing’ really ‘knowing' that I was totally in the wrong, helped me explore those deeper levels of submission through to catharsis. I believe that I can reach a point of ‘total’ and ‘absolute’ submission, where there is nothing more beyond that point. Where I surrender my all – where I can no longer ‘feel’ physical pain, instead I can feel a 'new' deep emotional and psychological pain. LDD facilitates the release of these deep psychological feelings in the unconscious. It is at this point that I cry cathartically. It is at this point where I feel the release of deep and repressed guilt. The original misdemeanour may be big or small. But the feeling of guilt from the unconscious is most often a repressed emotion from childhood. Such traumatic memories/guilt from the distant past, coupled with the feelings of guilt for the current misbehaviour, can have a profound and deeply beneficial healing effect.