Monday, March 06, 2006

Resentment

With R working away it is easy to harbour a lot of unconscious resentment and negative thoughts about my husband. Yes, I have forgiven him for his affair, but only on a conscious level. Hurt feelings can often take many years to work through. With R only home at week-ends it is easy to behave and show ‘super’ submission for two days. It’s when he’s home for a long period that it becomes hard…

As soon as R arrived home he wanted to step up the ante as HOH. He did so by giving me strict instructions with regards to bed-times and chores, with severe consequences if I were to misbehave. Since the first moment R set foot through the door resulted in a punishment spanking – I had harboured a lot of ill feeling towards my HOH. I would fluctuate between: “I wish he could just lighten up, after all we WERE supposed to be on vacation in Africa!” To “How can he come into MY personal space and dictate like this?” Living on my own for 5 days a week made me used to my own way of doing things and my own personal space. I resented R just taking over from day one. However, my resentment was blocking my submission to him. This reticent attitude was acting as a barrier, preventing access to the lessons he was trying so hard to bestow.
My lack of submission, resulted in incredible streams of defiant misbehaviour. I recognised my wrongdoings, but I was unable to do anything about it – until it started to escalate. Each time it escalated, the punishments grew in proportion with my misconduct.

After day 3 we finally got to the bottom of why my misbehaviour was so pronounced. I didn’t really know myself why I swung from resentment to indifference during discipline. I didn’t know why I wasn’t properly receptive to R’s teachings. All I knew was that I was harbouring negative and destructive attitudes/thoughts which were not at all apparent on the surface.

R caught me cheating on the computer on Wednesday evening, when he had clearly forbidden access for one week. “Why do I have to keep on disciplining you C?” Said R. “Is it because you crave a deeper connection with me?” I was standing facing the wall doing corner time yet again – awaiting yet another punishment spanking. “No R it isn’t that.” I replied. Then I broke down and started crying really hard. I started telling R how I just wanted to run away from the family. How I felt a terrible failure to Z. How I felt a really bad mother. I told him how I felt helpless, as if I had no control left – no pride left in our family.

R called me out of the corner and gently held me as I sat on his lap. He rocked me to and fro as I nestled my head deep into his shoulder. “Shhh, it’s OK C, I’m here to take care of you. Nothing bad will happen to us – the worst is over and the future is bright.” R said lovingly. “Now darling, you know I must punish you for your appalling disrespect, dishonesty and disobedience to me?” With that R twisted me over onto my tummy and proceeded to give me a very firm hand spanking. R is usually silent during my spankings, but this time he started to scold me, concentrating on each of the 3 D’s in turn. “You have been a very naughty girl, 'disobeying' me by sneaking onto the computer like that!” Also, “Bad, bad, bad girl for showing me such 'dishonesty' – where do you think it gets you? Do you think I won’t find out in the end?” Also, “Your incredible week of misbehaviours and tantrums has shown me utter 'disrespect' – so now you must feel the strength of my hand, as it firmly spanks your bottom!” I was already crying hard before my spanking, so it didn’t take long before catharsis broke through. On hearing the change in my crying to that ‘deeper’ cathartic cry, R changed the tempo of my spanking. He continued spanking me through my catharsis with a more 'gentle' spanking. He continued for a further ½ hour, so that I could cry out those deeper unconscious emotions, rather than thinking about the pain being applied to my bottom.

I don’t believe I’ve ever cried as much as I did that day. My crying continued for about an hour after the spanking was over.

I feel wonderful now that I am conscious of the root cause of my misbehaviours. R is helping me work on my negative attitudes, confidence and determination. My energy levels and zest for life are not where they used to be. My behaviour is certainly a lot better than it was 6 months ago - before the judicious application of loving domestic discipline, but there is still a long way to go. There is a lot of hurt I need to work through, in order to regain the essence of the strong woman I once was.



**************************************


My dearest and most patient husband!
Thank you for not giving up on me! I’m sorry for pushing the limits and acting so childishly. Thank you for being consistent in your discipline of me. I have now learnt a bitter lesson about how a bad attitude can cause a series of misbehaviours which in turn escalate and snowball into a series of punishments.
My darling, you have been relentless, you haven’t ignored my misbehaviours once!
You are truly a wise HOH!

C xxx

5 Comments:

At 7.3.06, Blogger SmartNnaughty said...

C,

I can certainly feel the pain you released during that punishment. He was wise to comfort you AND still continue with the spanking. The scolding was very good too.

I hope you are still feeling the full release of all that. It must be a whole lot to carry around. I love your honest and sincerity as you described this. You are quite a woman, C; I hope you know this.

SNN

 
At 8.3.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

My Darling C,

What a nice blog! You are a good girl for recognising these things. I understand the resentment and the depth of it all. Posts like these help me believe that we are working through some really difficult issues and making progress. I hope to always be consistent with your discipline to help you to grow. Inconsistent discipline sends the wrong message that your HOH cannot decide what is best for you. I think I am very clear what I expect from you. We have recently made some excellent progress on your anger management, for example. Well done.

R
xxx

 
At 8.3.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear SnN,

Yes, R is certainly wise and has learnt all aspects of LDD very well. He is really very attuned to what disciplinary technique to highlight, in order to allow me the to experience, the full benefit of my spanking.

I feel WONDERFUL!!! Like a completely new woman!!
I wish R wouldn't have to work away. :(
I would be so much better behaved if he could live with me all the time.

C


Darling R,

Thank you for understanding me.
You are very consistent in your discipline and have never sent me unclear signals. I know what you expect from me and will do my utmost to comply.

I have learnt so much from you already and will continue to strive to make you proud of me.

C xxx

 
At 12.3.06, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing is more damaging to a marriage and a fulfilling life than a negative attitude. My husband taught me that lesson, and I hope your husband has taught you too. All the best.

 
At 14.3.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear anonymous 12th March,

Thank you for your comment. Yes my husband has taught me that lesson well. Thank you.

I'm so glad that you too have a good and loving husband who holds you accountable for your misbehavior.

All the best,
C

 

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