Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My Journey Towards Submission (1)

Revised and updated 04/20/2006

Recently, submission has been on the forefront of my mind...

I’m at the beginning of a wonderful journey into something that scares and excites me both at the same time. I feel as if I’m standing on the edge of a precipice and once I let myself go there will be no going back... Submission is not a lifestyle, rather it is a way of being and thinking – it is the true essence of a woman. Once I allow submission into my life, I know that this acutely innate instinct, will manifest itself in all other areas of my life. The very real fear I have is the realisation that once I give myself into these natural urges it will (primarily) overpower me. I instinctively know, however, that I need to be “overpowered” in order to feel “empowered.” This empowering, will give me that deep sense of freedom, strength and womanhood I have craved for all my conscious life.

I feel that my journey will be a long and arduous one. I have so much to learn, I am not a submissive woman, even though I so very much want to be... true submission is a very hard state to accomplish. True submission exists in the woman’s every waking and sleeping thought - it truly is a state of being, mind and heart. I have such a long way to go from this starting point... I also believe that true submission is not only innately feminine, but innately spiritual as well. Perhaps this is because of its very natural tendencies? Everything in life that is simple, pure, natural and instinctual lends itself to an awareness of spirit. It strips away the man-made fabric and allows us to stand before our creator (or be one with nature) in the most natural and feminine way, as our creator/nature has intended. Such a natural way of being lends us as women to instinctively stand in a similar way in front of our men - stripped of our ego, pride and control. It allows for the most beautiful feminine characteristics of our being to come flooding forth. It allows the very essence of our womanhood to flower and in doing so it allows our men to take their rightful place within the home. We are standing aside and allowing our men to be men – to take authority, leadership and control, to allow the essence of their masculinity to radiate out.

I still have very little understanding of what submission means, but I feel the essence of this awareness stirring deep from inside me. A month ago I would have firmly believed that exploring those ‘deeper’ levels of submission was something which transpired during discipline alone. I believed that the deepest level of submission was the moment of absolute surrender during discipline where I would start crying cathartically and no longer be aware of the acute pain of my spanking. I believed that this surrender was the final climax – where I handed myself over completely. I must confess I never put much thought into submission outside of discipline… At one level I believed that I did act submissively towards my husband as I yielded to his authority and complied to his will. But, I wrongly assumed that this submission could be turned on/off at a moment’s notice – particularly when my husband was not physically present! I didn’t fully realise that submission was at the VERY foundation of Loving Domestic Discipline. Since LDD cannot be switched on/off – it is a way of life, then it is logical to assume that submission cannot be switched on/off either. Rather it is something that threads itself through the very heart of Loving Domestic Discipline.

Although, we have been in a domestic discipline relationship all our married life, submission did not feature in our lives at all. Submission played no part in R correcting my misbehaviour. I’m ashamed to admit that I would actually dominate/brat R into spanking me, but my spanking never fulfilled me…. Why?? I never fully understood the answer to this question until recently. The answer to this question came as a revelation to me: I was actually “dominating” my husband to release my suppressed unconscious feminine “submission”. It beggars belief, that I was actually dominating him to release my submission!! The moment when R had enough of my bratting and took control away from me, was when I was only too aware of his masculine energy and my female subservience. This (albeit temporary) release of my submission was a great relief to me… I would submit to my spanking, surrendering to his masculine vibes, but shortly after my spanking was over the same frustration would descend on me once again. R who was more ‘vanilla’ in the early stages, at the very beginning of our marriage, would frequently become more and more frustrated with me. “How many times in one day must I spank you? I wish you could just be normal!!” He would frequently say...

I became increasingly unhappy, I felt abnormal and had no one to share my feelings with. In my mind I would frequently escape to a past boyfriend. Although he never spanked me, when he said “no”, I knew he meant “no” there was never any argument or wangling to get my own way. R and I began moving away from domestic discipline and began to get increasingly more distant with each other. It wasn’t until I came across Lovingdd’s blog where all this changed...

The effects of reading Lovingdd’s articles had a deeply profound affect on me. At first I was completely mesmerised. Never in my life had I read anything like this before! Never in my life had such wisdom opened up an awareness so very deep within me! After printing and re-reading each and every post I found myself sitting on the floor crying whilst surrounded by his articles. I didn’t know why I was crying, or why the following days seemed to merge into one. I just seemed to lose all track of time… I didn’t realise that the reason for my tears was that the very fabric of the words, was bringing out my suppressed feminine submission. His articles were unlocking something very deep inside me, something deep and innate from within my unconscious. I remember repeating to R on the phone that night “...but, it’s me, it’s me, he is writing all about me...” I begged R to read the articles, but unfortunately, he was too busy.

During the following weeks, I colour coded the articles. I also highlighted sections, so that R’s attention could be easily drawn to certain key areas which were of particular importance. I filed everything into a large lever arch file and travelled down to the city to spend the weekend with him. That weekend R showed no interest in the articles and wondered why my mood was so subdued… As the weeks passed by, I began to feel extremely rejected, I felt that by not reading the articles R was rejecting me at a very deep level – he was rejecting my womanhood...

These were the early days, the very fragile beginnings... it wasn’t just R’s fault, but mine too. In fact I am mostly to blame! My early years of constant bratting had really not been easy for R! My actions must have driven him demented! R didn't even like the idea of spanking. Being a pacifist, this notion was abhorrent to his strong beliefs and principles, but he did it nevertheless, because he loved me...

In the early days, after reading Lovingdd's articles, it was incredibly hard putting my feelings into words. I knew my feelings had overwhelmed me, but I couldn’t articulate them to R - not even on a very basic level. So, it hardly seems surprising that he didn't see the great urgency in reading the articles. This problem of communication didn’t stem from not knowing the “answer” to a certain question, but from not even knowing the “question.” I was only aware of being immersed within these very deep and intense emotions - being unable to verbalise these feelings was the crux of my problem!

I would like to make it clear at this point, that all I have described are "past" events. Both R and I are no longer at that "same" starting point... My husband and I have both come a long way, a very long way, in a very short space of time. As R's dominance grows my submission for him grows. This synergistic process of dominance and submission facilitated through Loving Domestic Discipline has been the continuous thread which has woven our marriage with strength and fortitude. R's leadership skills are exemplary! His continued monitoring and assessment of my behaviour and correction when needed are excellent!!

I have now started my journey towards becoming a submissive wife. The beauty of this journey is that it is ongoing. It is a continuous process of growth, development and improvement. It is the chance to finally awaken the deep essence of my womanhood which has lain dormant for all these years...



At 19.4.06, Blogger SmartNnaughty said...

Oh, C,

I only know too well the dominating in order to bring out submission. MG isn't interested in the LDD articles either. And now it looks like he isn't into spanking OR ME.

I can only hope one day to understand the inter-weaving of submission in a relationship with someone who WANTS to practice LDD. Sad to say, it doesn't look like it will happen any time soon.


At 21.4.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear SnN,
Please don't lose heart. You are such a very dear person, it breaks my heart to see you in such pain.


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