Tuesday, October 31, 2006

My Struggle with Obedience


At the beginning, one of my most difficult challenges within the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle was obedience. I have always been fiercely independent and self opinionated. I had always found obedience hard and seldom obeyed anyone, even as a child.

At the start of our Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle, I was subconsciously blocking my obedience to my HOH. I would try very hard to work on my obedience during discipline – but outside of discipline I would happily sail my merry way. My HOH was quick to pick up on this and would often praise me for obediently submitting to his discipline, but would wonder why I wouldn’t carry out his day to day instructions and other tasks. I honestly found the latter harder than submitting to the actual discipline. If my HOH instructed me to do something over the phone (R spends the weekdays in London) then I would say sweetly, “OK darling,” fully intending to do it before he came home. This, however, was seldom the case; I would allow his instructions to filter out of my mind, I would quite simply forget about my HOH’s instructions.

I have since learned that my behaviour displayed the very height of disobedience. This type of disobedience was very blatant – it clearly demonstrated to R that I was putting all my planned day to day events before his instructions. I was in effect non-verbally telling my husband that I thought little of his instructions, that my tasks were more important. In fact, I thought so little of his instructions that I would end up forgetting all about them! Looking back on my past behaviour I can clearly see how disobedient and disrespectful I was being – luckily I have come along way since then! I now see obedience as something quite instant and spontaneous. I no longer procrastinate over what R tells me to do, but usually do it automatically before I do something of mine. I don’t always see the reasoning behind R’s instructions sometimes R hasn’t the time to explain why he wants something done in a certain way. I have, however, learnt to carry out my HOH’s instructions without thinking, “why am I doing this?” Or without thinking that my tasks require more urgent attention.

Obedience has brought out all my deeply felt submissive urges. I always believed that submission has to be worked upon, but instead I have found that by working on my obedience my submission followed as a natural consequence. By becoming more obedient I found myself embraced in a new awareness of self, a truly “feminine” self. Never in my life had I felt more in tune with my own femininity as I do now. My femininity had until now been repressed into the further reaches of my unconscious mind. It had always been there, as God had created me female. But, I had repressed this beautiful gift from my creator - subconsciously arguing that it is not PC to be so feminine!

By becoming more obedient, I have discovered that I am so much softer and accepting than I used to be. I no longer fly off the handle at the slightest thing, but accept the situation with grace and dignity. I may not like the situation, but causing a fuss, loosing my temper or having a tantrum are not going to change the situation around – they will only heighten the tension and raise more bad vibes and negative feelings.

My obedience to my HOH has reinforced his role as leader. I have grown in confidence and have acquired new freedoms from following my HOH’s authority and guidance. I no longer fight for leadership in our home – he guides me, corrects my misbehaviour and makes the final decisions. This has allowed me to concentrate on other areas of my life which previously I had neglected. My confidence has certainly grown. Prior to LDD I would struggle for leadership. I would have little confidence (never truly knowing if I would get my own way!) Life was hard and a painful struggle as I would constantly undermine my husband’s authority by inadvertently saying that I didn’t trust his decisions at all.

~C~

6 Comments:

At 4.11.06, Anonymous patty said...

:) Sometimes what seems like disrespect (of not just him, but you too) is really just testing the lines. The bar for trust needed between couples who try LDD or any permutation of it is set very high.

Obey is one of the hardest, most loaded words in the D/s & DD world.

If only reality was even close to fantasy... If only it was as easy to be what we wish we could be...

ya'll hang in there ok. you can be everything you wish to be .. just be there for each other ok.

:)

 
At 4.11.06, Blogger WistfulWench said...

C, this is such a beautiful posting! You have touched on so many difficult points and stated them with wonderful clarity.

Why is it that we have such an issue with blending independence and obedience? Being independent does NOT have to mean not listening to the instructions of someone we love and trust. Instead, isn't it having the strength to follow your own heart in all you do?

I love the way you've shared how you actions have increased your feelings of submissiveness. It can take work to get there, but frequently the work towards submission isn't something that can be easily defined. It's wrapped up in trusting your partner, in understanding what they expect from you, and in doing your best every day to be the person they see. My vision of myself is warped by my personal experiences. The person He sees is so glorious I sometimes wonder who He's looking at! :D

It is wonderful to see that you and R continue to work on your relationship so faithfully. I love reading about the insights you've gained, as they resonant so much for me. Thank you, so much, for sharing you life!

 
At 4.11.06, Blogger Ree said...

C,
I really enjoyed reading this post. I agree with you that obedience has the ability to bring out submissive urges. I do very well during discipline but then I sometimes "sail on my merry way" as well. I really identify with what you've said.

Ree

 
At 5.11.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Hello Patty,

Yes, the bar of trust is set very high. It isn't easy to surrender yourself in total trust...this is a very hard thing to do, especially if that trust has at some point been betrayed. I found that since R's affair it was really hard to let myself go in surrender. In many ways it is likened to a primary reflex. The only problem being that by stopping that loving flow of unity and trust I was harming the very foundations of our relationship. We have worked through many of our problems now and the trust levels are certainly getting stronger.

Yes, I imagine that the word "obey" is certainly loaded - different individuals internalising different images for what this word means to them.

I'll certainly hang in there. It's great to know that we are there for each other! :-)

~C~

Hello Wisty,

Thank you for your encouraging post.
It is so true that..."Being independent does NOT have to mean not listening to the instructions of someone we love and trust." Yet it is a hard concept to visualise each flowing simultaneously. If you look at it singularly you may find a contradiction in this statement, but nothing could be further from the truth :-)

I love the way you put things in your writing and comments Wisty, you are often very philosophical! You leave me thinking about things for a long time afterwards! :-)

~C~

Hello Ree,

I wonder how many other women find obedience during discipline easier than obedience during the mundane routine of our daily lives?

I think that during discipline it is easy to really focus on not coming out of position, blocking, clenching, screaming etc... This is because we can reason that it will all be over soon. But obedience in day to day living is really hard, especially in the little things.

It's great that you're back!!

~C~

 
At 5.7.07, Anonymous ursala said...

I am curious about all of this. How does one find a man that does not abuse this "power"??? How do you trust he won't just be on a power-trip and only think of himself? How do you tell the difference between an abusive bully and a decent man? It would be nice to find someone who cared when I do things harmful to me or my spirit...or don't do things that are good for me...

 
At 10.7.07, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear Ursala,

You have raised a very good question.

Many women in a committed LDD relationship are in a long term marriage, where LDD is consensual. They know all there is to know about their husbands love their husbands and trust in his judgement and leadership with all their heart.

If a woman were in a new relationship she would take things very slowly and ask many questions to determine her new man's motives. If he was acting brutally for his own reasons and not hers, she should establish this fairly quickly and end the relationship.

You will know the difference between a bully and a man who is HOH by the way he makes you feel. If you feel empowered, happy, liberated, confident and submissive to his wishes - then you have found yourself a truly good HOH. If on the other hand you feel oppressed, downtrodden, undervalued and lacking in confidence then you have found yourself a bully.

Men, who are on a power trip to feed their ego, are often insecure and weak. Sometimes a man can start off in this negative mode, but with enough love, support and above all encouragement from the woman, they can still end up as wonderful HOH’s.

All the best,
~C~

 

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