Wednesday, April 26, 2006

My Journey Towards Submission (3)


Since starting my journey towards submission, I have begun to notice an increased “awareness” in my own submissive urges. I have begun to be able to hold onto these urges for a little longer... Perhaps, my increased awareness is all down to temporarily immersing myself in submissive literature, articles and other such texts? Perhaps, once I’m not so “focused” on learning to be submissive, these urges will sadly capitulate back to levels which I previously encountered - i.e. that such urges will only present themselves whilst in the presence of my HOH? Particularly, when he’s praising or pulling me up for some aspect of my behaviour.

I have recently discovered that as I’m going around the house, completing the various tasks and chores my husband has assigned for me, that this awareness has become heightened. This intense feeling of being directly in tune with my feminine submission, is over-spilling into my daily chores. Strangely, I no longer feel it’s such an "effort" to obey and do something I don’t want to do. Rather, I feel completely immersed within these strong submissive feelings. I feel that obeying increases the likelihood of remaining within the rapture of my submissive state for longer...

I can hear my husband's voice inside my head telling me, reminding me, instructing me, very clearly. I can hear his tone and inflections in his low, manly voice. This increased awareness – this "overtly" sensual expression of my femininity, which directly corresponds to and is in tune with my husband’s masculine demands, has increased my sexual hunger for him. Submission has heightened my passion for lovemaking. I have found that submission is the key to unlocking and increasing this sexual awareness. However, during punishment spankings, I feel a covert (hidden) sexual exchange in our masculine and feminine energies. I find that both my submission and sexuality are heightened when I find myself in the humiliating position of placing myself over my man’s knee during discipline. Such feelings of intimacy are particularly increased if my husband uses his hand instead of an implement. Just the touch of his hand alone on my bare bottom fills me with heightened frenzy. However, these natural feelings of sexual intimacy become confined during punishment spankings. The guilt, catharsis and pain from my spanking encompassed within very profound, potent and powerful emotions keep such sexual overtness at bay. I am still acutely aware of the sexual exchange, the inter-play between our masculine and feminine energies, but it is more of a hidden sexuality. I have found that the intense emotions during punishment will supersede the existence of our sexual emotions. The strong guilt for my misbehaviour and “overwhelming” emotions which result from punishment spankings, will always eclipse the overtly masculine and feminine inter-play of our sexual energies.

This heightened awareness of R's masculine energies against my feminine ones have manifested themselves in a variety of different ways. For example, I suffer from PMT which often results in very negative, emotional and uncontrollable outbursts of misbehaviour. Recently, however, when my husband had cause to reprimand me, instead of blaming it on PMT and carrying on in my usual obnoxious and argumentative way - feeling in some way vindicated that my bad behaviour was simply a natural expression of being a woman. I stopped midway - the sound of my man's voice alone was enough to feel the overwhelming urge to surrender, leaving me like putty in his hands. I was really rather astonished at my reaction! PMT has always been too strong a force to reckon with! So much so, that my behaviour would very quickly spiral to uncontrollable levels. In such an event my husband would not be able to turn my behaviour around by simply talking to me and trying to reason with me, which he can now do with great effect. ;-) He previously, would have had to resort to giving me a firmly spanked bottom, beyond tears to have obtained a similar result in my mood!

My real journey towards submission started during R’s 5 week break. One of my vacation reads was Laura Doyle’s book “The Surrendered Wife.” This book formed the basis of my exploration into submission. It made me reflect on many aspects of my attitude and behaviour, in some areas it was a very uncomfortable read...

I first started by relinquishing control, which I had been doing before reading her book. But this time I was trying to do it with greater effect. One method suggested by her which I found very useful, was to immediately apologise to my man for any disrespect caused. So, each time I made a disparaging comment or flippant remark I immediately retracted those words by saying “I’m really sorry, that was a very disrespectful thing to say.” Or “Please forgive my disrespectful remark?” This method was so simple yet so effective. R’s eyes lit up immediately as he said, “Of course I forgive you, I can see how hard you’re trying! Good girl!”

The start of my journey happened during a difficult time. Our trip to Ghana postponed and the house full of dust from R’s sander. I was so angry. I bit my tongue (some of the time!) and carried on. Laura stressed in her book that I should apologise even if I don’t mean it. To start with it was very hard, I had to apologise and quickly turn away before R could see my insincerity. On one occasion he asked if I wanted a cuddle straight after, “No, of course I don’t want a ***** cuddle!!” I snapped. R looked totally confused, one second I was apologising and the next I was biting his head off! He didn’t know about Laura Doyle’s book! Each time I apologised I would go and take time-out in our bedroom and try to empathise with R. Sitting upstairs, slowly taking the time to reflect on my misbehaviour was helping. I began to see how hard it was for my husband. He was doing the really nasty and grueling work. I was constantly complaining how I couldn’t breathe, how the dust was constantly in my hair and clothes and I wasn’t even in direct contact with it!

R spanked me a lot during that period, sometimes several times in one day and sometimes in anger. He was tired and stressed and my attitude certainly wasn’t helping! Since R was home and not in the city and since he was busy with DIY, there was no time for him to plan and perpare my punishment - R would usually spank me immediately, really hard and without any warning or warm-up. There was one time I refused to get into the punishment position. I told R that his bad mood was really frightening me, R is usually so passive, being angry like that may give you some indication how negative my attitude was! I’d never actually seen R so angry. He thanked me for pointing this out, admitted to his anger and left the room for about 5 minutes before coming back to administer my spanking.

I’ve come along way since then and I've taken steps to deal with my temper. I’ve learnt that being angry is a natural emotion. Being submissive doesn’t mean you never get angry. It’s how you deal with your anger that matters. Having a fit or temper tantrum is extremely destructive behaviour to myself and to those around. I find that some time on my own, doing some physical exertion helps, like going to the gym or for a run. Recently, having tapped into my new heightened awareness and being in tune with my submission, has made me surrender without much effort. This heightened awareness of my true, feminine, submissive urges, has been a real break through for me! Long may it last!

One very difficult area in Laura’s book, talked about taking a share of the blame for R’s affair. This was an uncomfortable read! Laura didn’t say that R should be vindicated, but she did say that there were probably underlying reasons why R did what he did. When I think back through our marriage, where I would demand to get my own way, our arguments could go on for days, but usually R would just give me what I wanted straight away. If not, I would cry, beg, shout until finally R would say, “OK, just do what you want, anything for a quiet life!” One time when R did take control away and made some arrangement without consulting me, I was so angry I made him a cup of coffee into which I emptied half a bottle of Tabasco! Yes, it was a very immature thing to do, but I was only 18years old at that time. Sadly, I have now come to realise that my shrill and controlling nature from the very start of our marriage, played a large part in R’s affair!

So far, my journey, exploration and practise into becoming a submissive wife, has been filled with wonderment! My very kind HOH has promised, that if I'm very good and continue to make steady progress, he will send me to the US in August to go to one of Laura Doyle’s workshops. I’ve been in touch with the co-ordinator who told me that she will try to get a group organised – if she can’t it will have to be a private tête-à-tête. Personally I prefer groups, so you can get a discussion going and meet like-minded people along the way. I really hope I go!! The UK doesn’t have any workshops relating to submission at all!

From now on I will just have to be good... VERY GOOD!!!!!!

~C~

2 Comments:

At 4.5.06, Blogger WistfulWench said...

C,

While I consider my own submission to be a WIP (Work In Progress), one of the things that helps me "remember" to be submissive when he is not around are assignments that he gives.

Now, I don't know if R has the time, inclination or energy to do something such as this. And it DOES take effort on both sides to have it work. If it is a writing assignment, he will tell me the night before or leave a message for me in the morning to check my e-mail at a certain time. Some of these assignments have a difficult time limit, such as having to complete it within an hour and send it to him on e-mail. Others give me a day or two to complete, but I cannot ask for any input from him until after it is finished. Most assignments of this nature are to recount specific events where my submission was very pleasing to him or to create a story for him based around two or three specific activities he names. I am required to be extremely detailed and complete.

A benefit I've noticed from this is that it is creating a very personal library for me to refer to. When I am struggling, I can pull up one of these "stories" and recall how I felt at the time. With a little effort, I can recall exactly how I felt at the time. Somehow, once I've remembered that emotion, it's a bit easier to carry with me through the day.

There are other benefits, such as bringing forth topics for discussion that neither of us may have thought of otherwise. There are other types of assignments he gives me, but I don't want to take over your blog!

 
At 5.5.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Dear wistfulwench,

I've often thought that one of the great things about submission is that it really is an ongoing progressive journey that never has an end. There is always that bit extra you can go...
So even at the beginning of my journey into submission I can fully relate to your WIP :)

I like your idea of the written assignments involving a detailed recount of the specific events which were very pleasing to your man. I would imagine that keeping such a detailed record, will serve as a useful reference and reminder. Thus, by reading this at a later stage I would imagine that you will be able to remember some of the strong emotions and by tapping into them, try to recreate or bring out those very natural submissive feelings and urges.

Lol, wistfulwench you are more than welcome to take over the entire blog. Please be my guest! :)

I have really appreciated your understanding and experiences! Thank you!

~C~

 

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