Healing Steps Towards Submissive Enlightenment

Dear readers,

Last week I posted about the problems I was having with submission. Since then with the turmoil of day to day life, I’ve had little or no time to give feedback. I don’t like to leave problems hanging and unresolved like this. I don’t want you to think that your help wasn’t beneficial to me. On the contrary, it was very helpful indeed!

Over this last week, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, talk and benefit from my HOH’s discipline and loving guidance. I feel as if real progress has been made regarding my acceptance and understanding of my man's affair. I do acknowledge that I have a long way to go and thanks to all your help I have managed to turn a corner…

Anon, is certainly very mature to suggest talking with my HOH, whenever I have feelings of rebellion. This is something I will obviously need to work on. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m not always very mature in arguments; once I reach a certain level I will carry on relentlessly (usually until R puts me over his knee for a sound spanking – only then will I listen!) Having Eastern European blood makes me very passionate. I make love with passion, but hate and argue with passion too. I realise that this passion is sometimes quite negative which often gets me into trouble. I have come a long way in trying to be more subdued with my feelings and approach. My HOH also wants me to become more aware of my smaller outbursts rather than suppress them. I will need to work on being able to respectfully let go of smaller emotions, rather than ignoring them. I find that I ignore smaller emotions quite frequently, which I do to remain in my submissive state. I haven't yet learned how to let go of small issues, whilst remaining both respectful, obedient and submissive.

Wistful is right I do need to repattern my behaviour and I understand that it will inevitably take some time to achieve this. With my man's correction, love, patience and consistency I will eventually succeed. And yes, “wanting” to submit to my HOH means half the battle is won! :-)

Thevikingswife hit the nail on the head when she talked about “absolute” trust. There are so many different levels to trust. I do trust my husband, but, I cannot truthfully say that I trust him the way I did before his affair. I know he won’t do the same again, so I trust him on that very basic level. However, I struggle with trust on a higher and more spiritual level – after my HOH's affair something inside me broke. I wonder if this “something” will ever come back? Perhaps, this “something” was the deeper level of trust? I do know, however, that to “totally” surrender myself in submission I must have that “something” in place, without it I will never experience those profound levels of submission. Without it I will never experience the extent of my femininity - the ultimate depth of my womanhood.

At a deeper level, I do fear giving my "all" in complete surrender to my man. This fear is a primary instinct which denies access to my emotions at the very core. It is a clear demonstration of not being in touch with my emotions at the root…

My dear friend SNN, who probably knows me best of all, was the one who suggested that I wasn’t in tune with my emotions. My first reaction was to block her suggestion with my defence mechanisms by telling her that I’m “perfectly” aware. But, am I really that aware? On the basic level, yes - the levels I talk about with ease are the levels I’ve accepted into my awareness. However, the inability to comprehend why R did what he did is a classic example of blocking certain areas and being completely detached from them. So yes, as a result of blocking these certain levels, by not allowing them into my awareness, these issues have remained UNRESOLVED. Thank you SNN for pointing this out to me and I’m sorry for my first response to you. Sometimes with complex issues like this, a quick response to a well thought out comment can be quite single minded. Sometimes complex problems which emanate deeply need some time for reflection, before a thorough and meaningful response can be made.

It must be said, however, that Loving Domestic Discipline has been instrumental in being the cement that has fused our relationship together. It came at a time when I was planning on leaving my HOH. Instead of discord It has brought us harmony, balance and a deep sense of peace. It has opened up an intense feeling of love, intimacy and protection. During discipline, the deep emotional release I experience through my catharsis, is both healthy and healing - binding and reconnecting us ever closer...

Thank you so very much for all your very kind thoughts, wishes and suggestions.

~C~