Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Healing Steps Towards Submissive Enlightenment


Dear readers,

Last week I posted about the problems I was having with submission. Since then with the turmoil of day to day life, I’ve had little or no time to give feedback. I don’t like to leave problems hanging and unresolved like this. I don’t want you to think that your help wasn’t beneficial to me. On the contrary, it was very helpful indeed!

Over this last week, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, talk and benefit from my HOH’s discipline and loving guidance. I feel as if real progress has been made regarding my acceptance and understanding of my man's affair. I do acknowledge that I have a long way to go and thanks to all your help I have managed to turn a corner…

Anon, is certainly very mature to suggest talking with my HOH, whenever I have feelings of rebellion. This is something I will obviously need to work on. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m not always very mature in arguments; once I reach a certain level I will carry on relentlessly (usually until R puts me over his knee for a sound spanking – only then will I listen!) Having Eastern European blood makes me very passionate. I make love with passion, but hate and argue with passion too. I realise that this passion is sometimes quite negative which often gets me into trouble. I have come a long way in trying to be more subdued with my feelings and approach. My HOH also wants me to become more aware of my smaller outbursts rather than suppress them. I will need to work on being able to respectfully let go of smaller emotions, rather than ignoring them. I find that I ignore smaller emotions quite frequently, which I do to remain in my submissive state. I haven't yet learned how to let go of small issues, whilst remaining both respectful, obedient and submissive.

Wistful is right I do need to repattern my behaviour and I understand that it will inevitably take some time to achieve this. With my man's correction, love, patience and consistency I will eventually succeed. And yes, “wanting” to submit to my HOH means half the battle is won! :-)

Thevikingswife hit the nail on the head when she talked about “absolute” trust. There are so many different levels to trust. I do trust my husband, but, I cannot truthfully say that I trust him the way I did before his affair. I know he won’t do the same again, so I trust him on that very basic level. However, I struggle with trust on a higher and more spiritual level – after my HOH's affair something inside me broke. I wonder if this “something” will ever come back? Perhaps, this “something” was the deeper level of trust? I do know, however, that to “totally” surrender myself in submission I must have that “something” in place, without it I will never experience those profound levels of submission. Without it I will never experience the extent of my femininity - the ultimate depth of my womanhood.

At a deeper level, I do fear giving my "all" in complete surrender to my man. This fear is a primary instinct which denies access to my emotions at the very core. It is a clear demonstration of not being in touch with my emotions at the root…

My dear friend SNN, who probably knows me best of all, was the one who suggested that I wasn’t in tune with my emotions. My first reaction was to block her suggestion with my defence mechanisms by telling her that I’m “perfectly” aware. But, am I really that aware? On the basic level, yes - the levels I talk about with ease are the levels I’ve accepted into my awareness. However, the inability to comprehend why R did what he did is a classic example of blocking certain areas and being completely detached from them. So yes, as a result of blocking these certain levels, by not allowing them into my awareness, these issues have remained UNRESOLVED. Thank you SNN for pointing this out to me and I’m sorry for my first response to you. Sometimes with complex issues like this, a quick response to a well thought out comment can be quite single minded. Sometimes complex problems which emanate deeply need some time for reflection, before a thorough and meaningful response can be made.

It must be said, however, that Loving Domestic Discipline has been instrumental in being the cement that has fused our relationship together. It came at a time when I was planning on leaving my HOH. Instead of discord It has brought us harmony, balance and a deep sense of peace. It has opened up an intense feeling of love, intimacy and protection. During discipline, the deep emotional release I experience through my catharsis, is both healthy and healing - binding and reconnecting us ever closer...


Thank you so very much for all your very kind thoughts, wishes and suggestions.

~C~

6 Comments:

At 14.6.06, Blogger wind walker said...

i have troubles with my emotions as well. i often don't think i need a paddling when i'm pushing for it.

i found that i pushed storm just so he'd stand up to my pushing and bend me over his knee.

i still push, but not as much...he's quick to bend me!!

 
At 14.6.06, Blogger WistfulWench said...

Aww, C, it's a journey we all are on! I think that is one of the things I enjoy most about blogging. It gives all of us, regardless of location, situation, needs or desires, an opportunity to share and learn from each other.

Everyone can see a different piece of the puzzle. But it takes time to be able to put them all together into a cohesive image. Sometimes, the pieces don't seem to fit. When you walk away for a while and come back, it's like magic! Things suddenly just fall into place and it all works!

Your puzzle is unique, and you are the only one who can see how all the pieces should fit together. If I'm able to offer any aid in putting them in place, it is my honor to be able to do so!

 
At 14.6.06, Blogger SmartNnaughty said...

C,

Bravo, bravo! You broke down a wall and have moved closer to your goal of healing.

I have a hint for you. In those moments when you find yourself loudly protesting, that you are probably fact to face with the truth. It was Shakespeare that wrote: Me thinks you doth protest too much. He was so right.

Another hint. At least, for me this is key. When I am in a deep emotional discussion and I feel my throat closing up and have to work at holding back the tears------that is when I am closest to my core. If I take the time to be vulnerable and name my feelings for what they are in those moments, healing seems to happen.

For me being close to tears is my cue to slow down and examine what exactly I am thinking and feeling at the moment.

Baby steps, C, you are taking baby steps. WAY TO GO, GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!

SNN

 
At 15.6.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Hello wind,

I test R too. Sometimes I test him to see where the boundaries are. At other times to ruffle/tease him ever so slightly, so that I can tap into his masculine flow of energy.

Being apart from R from Mon-Fri I need that reaffirmation - just to make sure that everything is still in place. Just to feel his manly flow.

I'm glad Storm is quick to bend you, R is now quick to bend me too. I think there is often a very fine line between slightly flirting with potential danger and down right bratting.

~C~

 
At 15.6.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Wow Wistful, What a lovely comment!

You are so right that blogging gives us a unique opportunity to share and learn from each other regardless of location, situation, needs or desires. It is, in fact the coming together in union and the forming of a community. It is the notion of standing proudly and celebrating both our similarities and differences, of who we are and what we firmly believe in. Without internet access communities such as ours would have never had the opportunity to have formed like this!

I love your analogy of everyone seeing a different piece of the puzzle! Yes, it does take time for the cohesive image to form. It reminds me of the Buddhist story of the blind men and the elephant – every man touching a different part of the elephant and being convinced that the small part they were touching was true. One man thinking that the tail was a snake, the next man that the tusk was the trunk of a bodhi tree, etc… However, the only person to have seen the true picture was the enlightened one.

It takes time to gain true wisdom. Sometimes all the pieces do fit perfectly but people are not capable of really "seeing" the bigger picture. Sometimes we make our lives too complicated than necessary and we are not grateful for the small things we do have.

Yes my friend, my puzzle is unique to me – but I hope I have the wisdom to see the “whole picture” when it does finally come together.

As far as offering your help in finding the pieces to my puzzle, the honour would be mine! :-)

~C~

 
At 15.6.06, Blogger C's Correction said...

Hello SNN,

Thank you for your very exuberant comment. Your whirlwind of excitement is really nice to tap into.

Thank you for your hints. As long as this whole experience is healing and moving in the right direction without causing any discomfort to my HOH then it is a positive and healthy thing to do.

I must admit that my posting was very difficult. Once I hit the published button I wish I hadn’t. I had to phone R just to confirm that I wasn’t causing him any ill feelings.

It is very difficult to dig deep into the depths of our emotions when R and I are both very private people. But having said this I do see the merits of doing so. I have received wonderful advice from you and others which has brought me a great deal closer in helping me resolve and become in tune with my deeper levels of hurt.

Thank you for your friendship and support! I do value them greatly!

~C~

 

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