My Problem With Submission...
Dear readers,I’m sorry for not posting for some time but things have been quite pressured and will unfortunately continue like this until the end of term…
One of the reasons my very kind HOH wants to send me on a workshop dealing with submission, is because I have been really struggling with this for some time. I would very much like to try and outline the problem I’m struggling with.
The focus of my difficulty stems from my HOH’s affair. This is not a subject I like to bring up anymore since it isn’t fair to mention something of such a highly emotive nature, something my HOH cannot change. What’s done is done… However my man was immensely relieved when I finally brought this up as being the block to my submission. Now that we have discussed it at length, I feel that I can let go of this problem via the blog, with the hope of getting some advice. Laura Doyle’s workshop is a long way off and there are no other such alternatives, or workshops here in the UK.
The problem I have is complicated since it’s not rooted in dealing/accepting certain emotions, rather it is instinctual. I have forgiven my husband, I trust he won’t do the same again and I have fully come to terms with his actions and irresponsibility. If I were struggling with any of these issues, then the problem would be deemed emotional. Emotional problems are easier to deal with because you can isolate that feeling or hurt and reflect on it. You can also talk about it and try and rationalise it into the bigger spectrum. Instinctual problems, on the other hand are not felt or visualised – they simply exist. They exist on an innate level, something akin to the instinct of putting your hands out in front to break your fall.
To exemplify what I mean I will illustrate a classic pattern of my misbehaviour:
I submit beautifully to my HOH, I submit to all his decisions and his correction. I always try and pre-empt what little thing I can do to please him and it excites me and opens the core of my submission to feel his masculine energies overpowering me. Then there comes a point, where unconsciously I feel myself retaliating against these natural urges. It is almost like a valve, as soon as I reach a certain depth to my submission I become stubborn, defiant and reticent. I quickly come out of my submission, it's like two ends of a polarity with nothing in between.
These instinctual urges that bring me out of my submission are my “defence mechanisms.” As a child, due to both physical and emotional abuse, I built up very strong defence mechanisms. These defences saved me from feeling the extent of pain that I would have otherwise felt. However, these very defence mechanisms which once “saved” me are now out to “destroy” me. What once acted as a protection is now acting as an obstacle to reaching that loving depth of obedience and submission I so very much crave for.
My HOH thinks my problem lies in a lack of trust. But I really don’t believe that this is the problem…. I’m afraid I don’t really know what the problem is?
~C~
posted by C's Correction @ 3:17 pm
8 comments
8 Comments:
Hi,
I have been reading your blog for awhile. I read your post this morning and again this evening. And I thought of it and you often today. I just wanted to throw out an opinion or thought. I think your husband has hit the nail on the head. Trust. Trust is truly the heart of submission. You have the ability you have the want to submit. You fight it out of fear. Even thou you have forgiven him and moved on. It lurks at the heart of things. Only time and your husbands love and devotion can regain or establish that trust again. The fear lies in giving your all to him. To trust him with your all. It is normal under the circumstances. I love Laura Doyle and her book but no amount of workshops or beating yourself up can make you not have this fear to trust him. Only he can repair what he has done to you by having the affair.
Trust is a very important component of a woman's ability to submit totally to her HOH. Regaining trust after a betrayal is very difficult.
C - My suggestion to you is to place trust in yourself and in your HOH. When you begin to have feelings of rebellion, talk with your HOH rather than acting on them. Your feelings are neither right nor wrong they simply are. You do not have control over your feelings. You do have control on how you act upon them. Although you wrote in your post that you hate bringing up this topic again, obviously you need to bring it up. If you didn't need to continue to talk about it, I don't think you would be suffering from the need to act negatively towards your HOH.
The fact that you also strongly want to please your HOH and submit to him means you have the foundation for success. He has an important role to play in listening to you when your negative feelings rear their head. He is responsible for your lack of trust and he must help you through this.
Hi thevikingswife,
Thank you so much for holding me in your thoughts. Your comment has touched me greatly.
Yes, you are so right when you state: "Trust is truly the heart of submission" You are also right that I fight my submission out of fear. I think that the major hurdle I have is that this "fear" isn't something I'm consciously aware of. I think it is deeply suppressed in my unconscious and manifests itself in uncontrollable bouts of negative behaviour.
You are so right saying that "time" is the greatest healer. I know it will take time - something as big as this cannot get resolved quickly.
Now I have finally admitted to R what is blocking my submission it has been a great relief to him. Before he would see Jekyll and Hyde symptoms and would be completely baffled with each and every outburst. Needless to say my destructive outbursts were having a negative effect on his authority as HOH.
~C~
Dear anonymous June 4th,
Thank you for your sympathetic and thoughtful comment. Your support means a great deal to me, so thanks for stopping by…
Yes, trust is the main ingredient for submission. I actually thought I had dealt with all issues concerning trust. After all, I certainly trust my HOH not to make the same mistake again. However, the breaking of my trust - the "betrayal" is harder to contend with. Especially since the actual events which took place are something I wouldn't be capable of carrying out myself. I suppose, therefore, I really need to try and understand why he did what he did - it's the understanding I'm struggling with. If it was simply sleeping with another woman "once" then I would understand that it was an unfortunate mistake. But living with her whilst travelling up at weekends to be with me takes the problem to a level I can neither deal with nor understand...
Your suggestion of talking through my rebellion rather than acting negatively is very sensible; however, it is also extremely difficult. I'm not really aware of displaying negative behaviour until I'm in the middle of it. An example I can give you is raising my voice and shouting at my HOH. My HOH has recently given me a new rule that any raised voice will result in an immediate spanking - the "short" "sharp" "shock" type of immediate spanking is really most effective at modifying negative behaviours. Much has been written about its effects in the field of psychology. Having to wait for a punishment in this isolated example wouldn't directly correlate it with the crime and would probably not be as effective.
You are so right that I cannot control my feelings but I can control how I act upon them. This morning my HOH told me that he would like to see a series of smaller eruptions, rather than keeping it all stored up which inevitably results in one very big explosion. He used the analogy of a volcano and told me that the magma is there festering it has to come out - it's no use pretending it isn't there when it is.
My HOH is a very good man and always listens to me. I'm really the culprit here. I find letting go of emotions very difficult sometime and would rather do almost anything than face up to painful, emotional events.
Thank you so much for your support, you have given me much to think about.
~C~
C, you have already received some wonderful, thoughtful advice.
Trust is slippery, as it's something that is instinctual as well as logical and emotional. Frequently, those gut feelings happen for a reason that our minds cannot comprehend. When there has been a hurt that goes to that level, it takes time to heal.
I think R has a wonderful idea of how to begin dealing with the hurt. By countering the behavior when it begins, you will be able to see when your instincts are taking over and relearn (or repattern) your reactions. Again, it takes time and effort to accomplish this.
Please don't feel as though you are the culprit here. There isn't a culprit, only a behavior to be modified. With both of you paying loving attention to it, you WILL be able to overcome the reactions you both find displeasing.
Sending you lots of loving hugs to wrap around yourself! (As well as lots of warm wishes for success!)
Dear wistfulwench,
Yes, I am so grateful to have received such wonderful and insightful advice! I certainly feel lovingly held by you guys – thank you!!
You have given me so much help and advice regarding my submission in the past – and here you are helping me once again…
Thank you; you are a very wise woman indeed! I have much to learn from you.
What a shame you’re in the UK at a time when I’m not going to be there – it would have been great to have met up.
Thank you for your loving hugs and warm wishes :)
~C~
C,
This is a difficult issue since there are so many sub-issues with it.
TRUST IS CONSISTENCY OVER TIME.
You trust R to be faithful to you. I don't see that you are having a problem with trust. (at all)
Anonymous mentioned that when you are having feelings of rebellion that you go to R with them. Terrific Suggestion! Even R has a word picture of a vulcano. Well, before a vulcano erupts, there are rumblings.
C, there ARE signs that things are building up. I know you are learning about awareness. It is a difficult thing to practice but this is one area you can work on. Try to be aware of the rumblings. Listen to your self-talk. (What are you saying to YOURSELF?) Challenge the validity of the thoughts in your head. If you want examples, I can help with that.
Remember that before behavior comes thoughts. Practice awareness of what you are thinking and telling yourself.
I disagree that time is a great healer. It has been 8 years. You aren't healed yet. I know sometimes it takes a long time to heal and that is okay. But I would suggest to you that your issues surrounding the affair are UNRESOLVED. You can't heal when you haven't fully resolved the issues.
The fact that you don't "understand why he did what he did" is more at the heart of the problem. Without understanding, I find it impossible to forgive. I had to come to an understanding with the issues with my mom from growing up with her (she was a rageaholic), that she was acting out of her own pain and she wasn't deliberately trying to hurt me. She was hurt and didn't have the appropriate tools to deal with her pain and as a result, she hurt others, including me. Once I understood THAT, I could forgive her. You see, I understand about pain. I have worked hard to find the tools to deal with pain appropriately. However, she didn't have those same resources or inner strength to do so. I can't condemn her for being a weak person. I understand her motivation and then I forgive her for being unable to act any other way.
Immediate correction from R will help control your outbursts. I would suggest that Mr. Loving DD would tell you that more frequent Maintenance Discipline would help too. After all, this is a matter of love. If you are frequently reminded of his love it will help (and that is one of the purposes of Maintenance Discipline).
I agree with Wistful, you are not the "culprit". I bristle at the word, because while it is mild, you are still judging yourself harshly.
C, I know this is long. I consider you a Sister and a Friend. My heart goes out to you since you are struggling with this so. I feel your pain. I know you aren't avoiding the pain but walking through it. (Most people avoid--and that is one of the reasons you are so special to me). There are some very important lessons here for you and you are open to learning. Do you see how very unusual that is? Please love yourself for being unique and special.
Keep at it, C. The answers will come because you are seeking them. I can't tell you when they will come but there is something very important here for you to learn.
I know you will come through this and be a stronger woman, even stronger than you are already.
You have all my love always!!!!
SNN
Dear SNN,
Thank you SO much for your deep and thoughtful comment.
Yes, you are right there are many sub-issues on so many different levels…
R wasn’t sure why I would come out of submission, with such defiance, so I’m very pleased we had a heart to heart where it all became clearer to us both. Having let go to my HOH has enabled me to get all this valuable advice, which I’m so very grateful for.
No, I don’t think I have trouble with trust on a conscious level. But perhaps on an unconscious level, my lack of trust is at the root of the problem – who knows?
R’s integrity has always been flawless. He is the type of person who would never say/engage in something unless he 100% believed in his conviction.
I believe I am in tune with my emotions and do acknowledge discontented feelings or “rumblings” before they erupt into negative behaviour. However, I can identify two different outlets, one residing in the conscious and the other the unconscious.
On a conscious level, learning to be submissive is hard. I do find myself suppressing smaller feelings (smaller hurts – not trust) in an attempt to being obedient and respectful. I do not want to get into a situation where I’m questioning my HOH’s authority. Neither do I want to get in a situation where it’s being brought up – my HOH feels terrible about these past events, so why make it worse? But these smaller feelings DO build up and inevitably it is this that is doing the most damage. Suppressing too many of these smaller grievances, will often result in negative behaviour where there will seem no apparent link between the outburst and the original feelings associated with it. All these feelings are simply stored away for a while in the sub-conscious. The other aspect of course is the unconscious level. I was badly let down as a child and I do, like many people, have strong defence mechanisms as a result. As a child I was very rebellious and defiant. Perhaps R’s actions have triggered some deep event from the unconscious – who knows?
R’s resolve has been to start a zero tolerance policy regarding any negative misbehaviour such as raising my voice. I am pleased to say that he has been unequivocal in his resolve for consistency.
Yes, it’s been 8 years since the event took place, but realistically it has only been a year since I started resolving these issues. 8 years ago my only concern was to get through each and every day so that the children wouldn’t suffer. I was secretly planning on leaving R as soon as Z was 18 and on her gap year from college. I became a teacher and started preparing myself for financial independence. Prior to this, I devoted my life to the children by staying at home for them. I made everything myself from bread, pastry to jam – nothing was ever shop bought (apart from the raw ingredience.) My time at home with the children I regarded as an absolute privilege.
For 7 years I was like an automaton, I did everything required without thought. Z was very quick to pick up on the atmosphere and would frequently reprimand me for being cold and unfeeling towards her father, whilst A didn’t notice any thing at all.
Z and I drifted, she couldn’t accept my unloving attitude towards someone she held in such high esteem. Z and her father sharing the kind of special connection that A and I shared. I suppose daughters frequently favour their daddy and son’s frequently favour their mummy. So in A’s eyes nothing had changed.
I deeply regret telling Z about her father’s affair and child born out of wedlock. I know that if I hadn’t told her she wouldn’t have displayed such negative self-destructive behaviours against herself. My biggest regret is that her father who she deems as infallible has now lost that status. Worse still, she now questions the integrity in every man. She doesn’t believe that her eventual marriage will result in her man staying faithful – she has lost all trust in men. If her father, the one person she admired and placed on a pedestal can do something as abhorrent as this – then so can any man (according to her thinking.)
Z and I are working through many issues, since telling her we are growing like sisters and best friends as well as mother/daughter.
No, I don’t really understand what R did, but I have accepted it and do forgive him. I do understand the lead up to the affair and I understand some of the levels. All the very painful things I struggle to understand, I put down to R having a minor unidentified nervous breakdown, since it was so completely out of character.
Yes, we have certainly taken Lovingdd’s advice regarding more regular Maintenance Discipline. When R is home I receive daily GG (or BG for minor offences) plus a severe weekly maintenance for my most destructive misbehaviour. For major offences I will receive a punishment spanking.
SNN, you are also my very dear friend and I also consider you a sister. I know at times you have felt frustrated that I haven’t opened out to you but this is more a difference in our cultures. In my own culture people do talk about things at great length, but they never take things outside their own family. The English culture is worse than that because you don’t even talk to your family – you are just supposed to carry on as if nothing had happened… Sayings like: “Chin up girl!” and “Best foot forward.” Exemplify that the English don’t talk about emotions at all. I think they believe it as a sign of weakness. In the US it appears that people talk and talk, which is altogether healthier but I’m just not used to it.
Your friend always,
~C~
Post a Comment
<< Home