Saturday, April 21, 2007

Essay - Leading the Leader...?

This essay examines potential problems a woman may face when she starts a new relationship with a man who is new to the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle.

What does a woman do when she is faced with a new relationship to a man who has never heard, yet alone engaged in Loving Domestic Discipline? What does she do if she has previously engaged in the full glory of the LDD lifestyle in her previous relationship and wants to sustain this wonderful way of loving and living? How does a woman successfully, yet submissively, communicate this lifestyle to him?

The first major stumbling block is when does she tell him about her need for discipline? If she tells him straight away (on her first date) she risks making an absolute fool of herself and losing her credibility. Understanding the psychological mechanisms behind LDD is not something that he will immediately understand. It will take time before he starts to understand the deeper implications. If he doesn’t consider her a fool, he may alternatively think that she is really kinky and is signalling her need for kinky sex, thus losing her womanly respect. Neither of these two outcomes seems very favourable. However, if she waits until they have established a close and loving relationship, where they have both invested a considerable amount of time, effort and emotion and then tells him, isn’t she being deceitful? Won’t he be angry that she didn’t tell him straight away? If he has invested his time and effort on this girl who he believes he is compatible with and then realises that LDD is not something you plug out of but is a 24/7 lifetime commitment, how on earth would he react? Both these scenarios pose a difficult dilemma.

The important thing for the woman to remember is that Loving Domestic Discipline emerges from very natural tendencies. It is very natural for the man to want to protect the woman and act chivalrously. It is very natural for the man to expect a sweet feminine woman who submits her femininity to him. As they engage on their first date a lot of non-verbal communication will transfer between the couple as they explore each others energies. Usually on the first date, the woman will immediately know if the man has enough masculine authority to make a suitable HOH. She will immediately feel his masculine sexual energy and know if he has enough masculine dominance and charisma to sweep her of her feet and bring out the core of her submission.

It is important for the woman to realise is that every man is a potential HOH. Wife spanking and loving discipline is something that goes back to the dawn of civilization. It is not some new fangled sexual trend. It is both natural and highly desirable. It is binding the couple ever closer in unity and love. It promotes positive attitudes, peace, harmony and an unimaginable closeness. To lovingly discipline a woman is something innate and inbuilt into the very fabric of his masculinity.

“The memory of how to spank a woman is stored in your genes if you are a man. You don't need to worry too much about it, or think too hard. Just do it.” (Lovingdd site)

The man, however, would have probably been taught not to follow his natural urges. Since childhood he would have been warned that it is wrong to hit a girl and make her cry. He would have been taught that men never hit women, to do so would render the man violent and an abuser. The woman will, therefore, have a hard time ahead trying to bring the natural tendencies into the man’s awareness. Some men are more open and receptive than others. It is really hard to judge both when and how the woman should convey her needs for discipline to the man.

Once this big step is taken, the next huge hurdle looms ahead… How does the woman respectfully divulge the lifestyle to him? How does she submissively, yet successfully lead the leader?


When you lead someone to do something, you are instructing them. The very notion that a submissive woman can “instruct” a potential HOH to do something is highly objectionable. HOH’s instruct submissive women obey. Leading the leader would not be a desirable action for a truly submissive woman to take, so what is she to do?

When you lead you are directing someone to take action. However, when you teach you are informing someone of the potential possible action. Teaching the leader about the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle would be highly desirable and appropriate for the submissive woman providing she did this respectfully.


Communication is essential, especially in the early days. Talking about techniques is fine, but only when there are no punishments planned. Communication must never be done before a punishment. The woman’s communication should never be seen as a way of constructing the ideal discipline, since this would be controlling. It is far more beneficial for the woman to accept whatever the man decides to give submissively, even if it did not achieve the desired effect. She should really leave him to his own devices and let him find his own way. If after several repeated attempts the HOH is still off target, the woman should wait until a considerable time has elapsed after punishment, before she communicates this to him.


The woman must allow her potential HOH to lead, even if he is floundering. She must let him find his feet and never be tempted to take the driving seat. Such an action will seriously undervalue the authority in her man. She should be prepared to back off and judge his moods and needs. Teaching someone the dynamics of LDD is very different from expecting certain prescriptive outcomes. The outcome will most likely be quite different than first imagined. It is like the analogy of giving someone the raw ingredients without knowing what the final dish will taste like. It is the submissive woman’s aim to suggest and lay down the foundations, but the potential HOH must take it from that point.


Recognising when you’re interfering is essential as it detracts from the essence of LDD relationship. As a submissive woman it is imperative to enhance the leadership skills of her man whenever possible. This is done by continually highlighting the very positive aspects and paying little mind to the negative ones. If the potential HOH thinks he is doing a good job then he will more likely act with more confidence and determination. Constantly interfering takes away his potency and makes a mockery of his authority and masculine duty.

The woman’s previous HOH may have accepted many misbehaviours which the new one won’t tolerate and vice versa. It is imperative that the woman leaves the new HOH to his own devices. She must allow her new HOH to take his own stance and position in the house hold and not simply replace the shoes of the ex HOH.


A woman is accountable for her own actions. The whole dynamics of LDD will be confusing enough, without the need for minor deceptions or bratting. For example, if a particular implement is very painful and effective, this must be communicated. Being dishonest will only hinder her growth as a woman. Being dishonest will only confuse the potential HOH of the benefits of the LDD lifestyle.

Even the most submissive woman may find her behaviour slipping if the potential HOH refuses to spank his woman when she misbehaves. It is very common for new HOH’s to refuse giving their women that much needed spanking, mistakenly thinking that it is what they want. A lot of new HOH’s will reason that if the woman is misbehaving then why “reward” her with something that she wants, i.e. a spanking. It is a common misconception for new HOH’s to reason that their women want a spanking rather than need one. It will take time and gentle persuasion for the HOH to understand the dynamics of the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle. It will take some time before the less experienced HOH recognises the needs of his woman. In the meantime the woman should not vent her frustrations on her man and engage in bratting. She should try her very best to remain supportive and positive, even if at times she may feel quite disconnected from him emotionally.


To begin with the HOH may probably waver with consistency. Although he may not always be consistent, she should be patient… However, if she finds herself feeling emotionally hurt or frustrated she should submissively communicate this to him. Although she has the responsibility of teaching her HOH without any expectations, she also has the responsibility for her own emotional well being. If she finds herself emotionally hurt or uncertain, one way of successfully communicating her uncertainty is to respectfully record the event and her feelings associated with it into her journal. When her HOH comes to read her weekly entries, he will be able to recall the event and make whatever adjustment he sees fit.


It is perfectly acceptable for the woman to ask for a spanking, as long as she does it respectfully. Some women will kneel before their HOH and submissively confess a wrong doing. If the woman requests a stronger punishment (for whatever reason) but the HOH doesn’t think it is that serious, then a more experienced HOH would make the punishment as strong, if not stronger, to what she’s suggesting. It is perfectly acceptable for the woman to ask for a more severe spanking, as long as she is not instigating it.

For example, “Sir, I think I should be severely punished please could you use the cane?” would not be acceptable. It would be too controlling to choose the implement.

The experienced HOH will know never to give her precisely what she has asked for, however, the magnitude for what she is asking should be the same or greater. This way she retains her submissiveness and he retains his leadership and authority.


There are many practicalities which ensure that the disciplinary process goes smoothly. One major Practicality to consider is the need for a good long warm up. As the HOH becomes more experienced he will recognise that the bottom may need a lengthier warm up if the weather is exceptionally cold, or if the woman is being spanked outdoors in cold weather. He will also recognise that a wet bottom from the pool or shower will also need a lengthier warm up. In order for the whole discipline to be affective resulting in a tearful discipline the bottom must be prepared by being warmed up sufficiently. Other important practicalities are health and safety issues. The HOH will need to know if his new woman suffers from any phobias or vertigo. He will need to know if she has breathing difficulties, heart problems or dizziness. He will also need to regularly check that the implements are still safe, clean and hygienic to use. Old and worn or cracked implements should be replaced. The HOH will also need to check for the safely of where she will be positioned. For example, if he wants her to kneel facing the back of a chair, then if the chair isn’t very sturdy it might topple once the spanking begins. Small tables and stools should also be checked for sturdiness and balance.

To conclude, this essay has tried to show that a continual patience and understanding in the submissive woman will more likely lead to a successful HOH, than a woman who is constantly frustrated and whining. As it probably took many years for the woman to understand and accept her role as an obedient and submissive woman, it will also take her man some time to fully understand and accept his role as the leader and head of house. However, with a lot of patience, understanding and support from the woman, the man should quickly adapt to his new role.

Although it may be tempting for the woman to get carried away and want to “lead the leader” it is imperative that she refrains from doing so. Any act of control or interference on the woman’s part will be debilitating to the natural flow between their masculine and feminine energies. It will also be seriously detrimental to the potential HOH’s authority and may seriously risk his position of ever becoming the leader that nature had intended him to be.


Thursday, April 12, 2007

New Announcement

Dear Readers,

I recently received an email from Ellen Hale (see below) who is giving another of her very informative workshops based on the book "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle. If there are any women who would like to go to her workshop, then please contact her:

Although the book is not based on the principles of wife spanking, it is still a very valuable insight. It very much focuses on the male led relationship, on the woman relinquishing control and surrendering herself to the leadership of her man.

Ellen wrote:

Hi ladies – I have had a lot of requests lately to hold a Surrendered Wife workshop and I am in the process of setting one up. I am trying to coordinate everyone’s preference as to day of the week and time of day to hold the workshop and am requesting that if you are interested in attending please provide me with days of the week and times of day/evening that work for you.

I am hoping to hold a workshop starting at the end of April and going into May and I look forward to hearing from you. As a reminder, here is some pertinent information regarding the workshop:

Time: 12 hour course (3 hours a week for 4 weeks)
Cost: $225.00, which includes materials

Location: Sandy Springs, GA

In March, I was honored to represent the author of The Surrendered Wife and I filmed a documentary in England on the book and its principles!
For those of you who have attended a workshop, please feel free to pass this information on to others in need! I hope to see you soon and please feel free to email me or call with any questions you may have: 404-966-1169.