Sunday, June 25, 2006

~My Transformational Spanking~


My attitude to my HOH has not been great over the years. I fluctuate between being obedient, feminine and submissive, to being moody, controlling and argumentative. I frequently show disrespect by raising my voice and unleashing my frustrations onto him. My HOH had an affair eight years ago. I should have got over this and moved on. Instead, I’ve been stuck with my negative attitude which is causing invariable harm to myself, my man and all those who come in contact with me.

I asked my HOH to help me overcome this problem. I revealed to him that I couldn’t remain in an obedient state all of the time. I revealed to him that I needed his help to put me back in touch with my femininity and submission. I respectfully requested if my man would consider giving me a Transformational Discipline. My HOH agreed and set the agreed time to: Sat June 24th at 6.00pm


My discipline lasted two hours. One hour consisted of severe scolding, being stripped naked from my clothes, Corner Time and having pertinent sections of Lovingdd’s Transformational discipline read out to me. One sentence which stands out very clearly was that I’ll understand the implications of my discipline... “Under no uncertain terms” and that I’ll think twice before... “flirting with disobedience again.” After reading extracts from the Transformational Discipline article, my HOH came to the corner where I was standing and asked me to define what transformational meant? He then went on to clarify its meaning by adding, that to transform means to change shape. “Trans” meaning to move (like transport) and “form” meaning shape – a mathematical term meaning moving from one shape to another. He told me under no uncertain terms that this discipline wasn’t to modify my current behaviour, but to completely eradicate it – to change shape, to transform, to completely move from a negative attitude to a positive one. My HOH then took the Loopy Johnny and smacked me very hard about ½ a dozen times whilst I was standing in the Corner to start my onset of tears.

After an hour of being told off, of being humiliated, shamed and carefully questioned on the implications of such a severe and transforming discipline, I was placed over my man’s knee for a warm up. The warm up was harder than usual, my HOH saying that anytime I spoke or wriggled, 10 more minutes would be added to the hour. I was allowed to hold his free hand when the pain become unbearable and I did speak out before my catharsis. I repeatedly said “Thank you Sir, Thank you,” before I entered into that deeper level of crying. My HOH was not angry, understanding my utterance to be my submissive awareness breaking through, in response to my deeply felt gratitude.

My HOH spanked me very hard with his hand, after 15 minutes he changed to the Loopy Johnny in order to give his hand a rest. My severe spanking continued for 40 minutes without any break alternating between his hand and Loopy Johnny. My HOH then slightly lessened the severity continuing through the remaining time by allowing me to work through my catharsis. By allowing me to concentrate on the emotional aspects instead of the pain.

At 8.00pm my spanking was over I was then sent to bed for the rest of the night where I continued crying. I was told to record the events the next day in the Punishment Book of the Loving Domestic Discipline website.


I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much. I am very tender and sore this morning. My bottom is still very red and swollen. I’m finding it uncomfortable sitting on the chair writing up the events. I have to travel a long distance tomorrow and I’m worried that I’ll find the journey difficult in terms of sitting for long periods. My HOH has told me under NO uncertain terms, that if he has to repeat this discipline again, then he won’t hesitate to increase the time and intensity.


It is really quite difficult to talk about benefits after such a short duration. I certainly feel very contrite and sorry for my past misbehaviour. I have certainly been taken over and beyond the limits of pain (both emotional and physical.)

One immediate benefit we both noticed was straight after my transformational punishment. I revealed to my HOH very deep and hurtful past emotions, things that I’d kept locked inside and had almost forgotten about. By being comforted whilst sitting on his knee and allowing myself to cry and "let go" within the loving, protective arms of my man, has been very healing...


Friday, June 23, 2006

An Essay: LDD - On Femininity and Submissive Awareness

In order to examine this title, within the context of Loving Domestic Discipline, we need to explore reasons why people often become visibly offended at the suggestion that LDD does unlock the very core of femininity? Feminist issues will also be discussed in terms of masculine and feminine energies and whether “pseudo” feminist ideals are damaging the diversity between the interplay of these energies. Femininity will then be explored as an awareness of self, which can only become apparent when merged with the opposite polar energies. Finally, femininity and submission will be considered within non disciplinary relationships and also their efficacy after the judicious application of LDD.

Natural vs. Normal

Loving Domestic Discipline is natural but it is not normal. If we compare this to other practises like, men spanking men, women spanking men, or some BDSM practises, we would find the reverse true - practises such as these are generally considered normal, but unnatural. In fact, any spanking coupled with sex and pornography is classed as normal. But, if we consider the practise of obedience and respect, it is not considered normal at all. Although it is instinctual for a woman to want to respect and obey her man as a natural expression of her femininity, submission and love, it is considered very abnormal indeed!

Loving Domestic Discipline is natural since it is an innate instinct. Countless couples have practised Domestic Discipline since the dawn of human civilisation. LDD is not normal, however (in the Western World) because normality is a constrained set of rules governed by society. Homosexuality, for example, is normal – society has now accepted it, but it will never be natural. It goes against nature and the natural order – it goes against Darwin’s theory of evolution. Two men or two women will never be able to procreate, the human species are not hermaphrodite like snails or other molluscs.

Normality, however, is transient and always in a state of change. What is deemed normal now wasn’t deemed normal 50 years ago and vice-versa. Natural aspects are not transient, they are unchangeable. The natural expressions in Loving Domestic Discipline are consistent, timeless and constant.

When considering Loving Domestic Discipline as a lifestyle, the beauty of it is its versatility. As a practise, LDD lends itself to being easily adapted into different genres and lifestyles. It is ironic, however, that LDD is possibly the most discriminated group by western cultures. Societal demands putting pressure to keep the natural innate masculine/feminine instincts at bay. Natural tendencies for being able to instinctually awaken to this kind of lifestyle being deeply repressed, often from early childhood.

One of the most fundamental reasons Loving Domestic Discipline is discriminated against is due to its shady past. Historically, Domestic Discipline was considered both normal and natural, however, there were major problems resulting from this practice. Since consent was never considered an option, women had no choice in the matter. This lack of choice resulted in the men’s misuse of power in many cases, which rendered many women non-submissive. Since submission and authority are synergistic processes, both working together in unison, reversing it is also true. Non-submissive, defiant misbehaviour will often lead to a feeling of loss of leadership and loss of masculinity in her man. The weaker man, who cannot cope emotionally with the feeling of emasculation would take his wife’s retaliation as a huge blow to his manhood. Sometimes such cases would backfire into physical abuse. British Law was not at liberty to defend the woman since the line between physical abuse and domestic discipline was never clearly defined. As long as the woman had no broken bones, then it was fine. It was generally considered OK to have bruising and swelling around the face with the occasional black eye. The name given to such situations was called a “domestic.”

With this fine line which existed between domestic discipline and domestic violence it is a small wonder why people are so sceptical about LDD. It is considered extremely politically incorrect in the UK - men being frowned upon as abusers and women as doormats. To argue that it should be accepted on the lines of consentuality often falls on deaf ears. People misunderstanding that the woman is somehow being coerced into giving her consent under duress - from fear of any retribution by her husband!

Normalising Loving Domestic Discipline will prove to be very difficult. Many people will be resistant to the natural and very peaceful results that such a lifestyle transposes. Many people only see one very small aspect which is the punishment spanking. They refuse to see the many positive, and multi layered effects, by often likening the spanking to a misuse of power, violence and abuse. Perhaps they envisage that accepting the LDD lifestyle, would be taking a step backward into the past?

I do believe, however, that nature will always prevail. Whether something is constituted as normal comes and goes with the latest trends as described above. But the very healthy, natural and instinctual expressions of LDD will manifest themselves as a celebration of the man and his woman - a celebration of energies. The manifestation of these expressions may need to go underground. But they will nevertheless, continue to be practised regardless of bigoted opinions and other discriminatory views.

Femininity vs. Feminism

In many ways, feminism in its true sense is a completely separate entity to femininity. Neither has any bearing on the other. Feminism in its true spirit, came about to offer equality to women. No one can argue that this was a bad thing. Since the time of the suffragette movement, conditions for women have improved both at home, work and in society. I would be very surprised if people were against feminism when considering it by its true meaning. However, female rebellion and other feminine misbehaviours soon tarnished the good work of the early pioneers such as Emily Pankhurst et al. Many feminists opted to take a radical anti-men approach. Men who have been raised to be aware of their masculine energies as protectors have been “dammed” by this damaging group of women, who loudly proclaim their so called feminism. Men who used to engage in chivalrous acts such as holding doors open for women, or offering up their seat, will now refrain from doing so, from the fear of getting their heads bitten off.

Whilst there is no direct conflict between true feminism and femininity, the opposite is true when considering pseudo-feminism.

Society in Britain has responded to pseudo-feminism by opting for a genderless society. For example, Britain encourages modern parents to avoid differentiating between the sexes. It is deemed as a sign of good middle class parenting to give boys and girls toys opposite to their genders roles. Their reasoning being that encouraging boys to play with dolls will instil a more nurturing quality in the male (a characteristic more attributable to females.) Whereas, giving girls construction kits will instil reason and logic (characteristics being more attributed to males.)

Such a scheme is riddled with problems. It is a proven fact that boys and girls are attuned to different hemispheres of the brain. Girls are more multi-tasking and will migrate from one toy to another, whereas, boys will usually sit for hours with the same toy. Enforcing role-reversal is extremely damaging. What society is invariably doing is causing a genderless society. Without being able to go through early socialisation, attuned with their genders and roles children will never fully understand the diversity, nor complexity of the masculine and feminine energies. Girls will grow up as “clueless” adults often competing for power with their husbands and other men.

Whilst the true spirit of feminism is outward looking, corresponding to the inequalities in our society, femininity is something altogether different. Femininity comes from within. It is not something learned, rather something felt. It is being deeply in tune with the opposite polar energies of the masculine and feminine. It is a response to the male call. The male call and female response can be witnessed in the subtleties of body language. You only have to witness a flirting couple at a party who come together for the first time. The woman’s eye contact and hand movements seductively draw a man in and then teasingly and shyly cast him off. This is one of the woman’s inborn feminine responses to an interested male. The man on the other hand will often stand squarely in front of the woman, frequently checking behind him as he blocks her from the gaze of other competitors, his body leaning in and getting ever closer. The woman’s voice will become low and husky, with her breathing becoming faster and heavier due to her increased heart rate. The woman is not taught these non-verbal responses they are natural instinctual and innate responses to her femininity.

Masculine vs. Feminine

Femininity is a celebration of womanhood. It is not a fight about what society deems women to be, nor is it a response to political pressures. It is an acute awareness of those innate female qualities and characteristics. These characteristics manifest themselves in feminine energies which truly awaken when the woman is faced with her direct opposite - the man. Her smooth skin against his rough stubble, her curves, breasts and softness against his stronger, muscular squarer, harder frame. His musky manly odour drives her crazy with desire as she presses her smaller and weaker frame against his larger and stronger one. She feels protected as she surrenders the very core of her womanhood to her man. It is a celebration of the masculine and feminine, the coming together, the exchange of energies, love, mingled with the physical thrust and penetration.

Many men find their energies drawn to a woman with more feminine aspects to her nature. They will find a woman very attractive with delicate and fragile qualities. A woman who is aggressive, bossy, loud and controlling will not find herself attractive to most men. A man needs to feel the depth of his masculine power and strength as protector. He needs to feel his strength against the backdrop of her weakness. If she is overbearing then the man feels threatened. He feels he must compete with her over power.

Men respond to delicate childlike (not childish) women. Women, who have these childlike inner qualities, have retained a certain innocence and wonderment about the world. They look at the world with renewed wonder and often have a kind of energy that men find endearing. Childlike women are in tune with the little girl inside them; they have not repressed these qualities but have responded to them. It is the little girl inside the woman who feels a deep need for her mans guidance and correction. The little girl who cries freely when her man disciplines her. The little girl who won’t feel peace until her man has forgiven her and lovingly nurtured her in his strong arms.

Allowing the connection of the inner child to emerge and work through the woman gives the woman a healthy balance, being so much more in tune with her psyche and emotions. Rather than ignore the demands of her inner child, she responds to them, allowing her to radiate with an inner sense of tranquillity. Being very much in touch with the inner depth and core of her femininity – her true self.

Strong vs. Weak.

Without experiencing an increased awareness of my own submission I would have claimed, that it does take an incredibly strong woman to be submissive, since it takes incredible emotional/psychological strength to exude obedience at all times. However, the whole concept of submission is more complex than I initially thought. On one hand, submission is a very active process, not passive as I first envisaged. Living in a society which shams any idea of submitting to the HOH’s authority, makes it very difficult for women to respond to their natural urges. In this sense submission is very active – the woman has to go against the demands of society, friends and family. Often she will find herself isolated and lonely, as she shies away from people who want to pull her away from her natural submissive state. In such a case it could be argued that it takes an incredibly strong woman to be able to go against the consensus and listen to her natural instincts. On the other hand, submission is a very natural expression of femininity; it is very natural for woman to respond to their men submissively, it is what being a woman is all about. It is neither emotionally difficult, nor educationally challenging. It is an innate, natural and healthy expression of being a woman. It crosses all boundaries of whether women are emotionally weak or strong. Crossing all barriers of culture, race and class - submission, in my belief is “femininity” at its root.

Having a weak or strong emotional character may or may be attributed with submission. But it is certainly attributed with distinguishing and acting upon the difference between a “dominant” and “domineering” man. A woman who is both emotionally strong and confident in herself, will not submit to the bullying nature of a domineering man, who (having a weak nature) bullies his woman into obedience for his own selfish gain. Possibly doing so, to attain some level of power and control over his own insecurities and inadequacies.

When considering femininity and submission the two seem inseparable from one another. One could argue, that femininity is certainly synonymous with submission. You cannot be feminine without being submissive and you cannot be submissive without being feminine.

If we now consider the notion of submission being synonymous with obedience, well this is a more difficult question to answer… certainly obedience is the natural result of submission. The more you are aware of your submission then the less effort you put into being obedient, the more natural your obedience is. Thus, resulting in an increased obedience as a direct result of your increased submission (so, this assumption works one way). But is the same true in the opposite direction? Can increased obedience result in increased submission? This is quite a tricky question to answer. On one hand you could argue that any “physical” act of obedience may “appear” to be a submissive act. But very often appearances can be deceptive. It could be argued that if obedience is not “freely” given (when considering slavery for example) then though the act may be a physical act of obedience it is not a mental act of submission, therefore it is not a submissive act at all. The same may apply to women who find themselves in relationships with domineering men. They may be too frightened to leave the relationship. In some cases they may not even be allowed to leave their relationship, if you consider some of the less liberal cultures. These women may not be giving themselves willingly to their husbands. Mentally they would not be submitting, so perhaps this would be a form of pseudo-submission?

Submissive vs. Non Submissive

There are times when women will find their submission to their HOH sporadic. As much as they want to submit and retain the feminine flow through their daily lives, it is at times very hard. Life isn’t always easy and people aren’t perfect. There may be situations when the woman may be harbouring some past hurt/resentment, caused directly/indirectly by her HOH. Sometimes there are real challenges which strive to drive a wedge between their relationship, causing the woman to take leave of her natural feminine tendencies and take on a more masculine role.

Within each woman there are two opposing forces which work directly against each other. These forces are akin to the centripetal and centrifugal force. The centripetal is a positive force it is akin to a woman’s femininity, the natural, central core and expression of womanhood. It is a woman’s submission and obedience – it is what renders her female. This is the force which stirs deep within the woman to respond to those covert/overt sexual energies. It is an awareness of herself, of her true femininity and submission. At the most subtle level, a look or warning from her man will evoke a deep stirring of covert sexual surrender. It is her awareness to respond to the male call and be deeply in tune with her own feminine energies against the diverse backdrop of his masculine ones.

As strong as these natural womanly tendencies are there exists a force which is equally strong, which is akin to the centrifugal force. The centrifugal force is negative, since it pulls the woman away from her natural tendencies. It pulls the woman away from her natural instinctual position and role as a female. Where the centripetal force is one of cohesion, expressing natural order, the centrifugal force is one of havoc and chaos, the pulling away from the natural and instinctual. The centrifugal force is akin to reticence, defiance and severe disrespect to her man. It is going against the natural responses to her feminine energies. It is severe resistance to her HOH’s protection, guidance and discipline.

Women must be aware of these opposing forces. They must strive to move within their natural energy fields. To go against submission, is to create a chasm in the interplay between the masculine and feminine energies. It is to seriously disrupt and harm the natural order and interconnections of the two energies. Such friction will create havoc and harm, where there was once peace and harmony. Masculine and feminine energies are like the ying and yang, to go against this invites negative energies –it is like going against chi.

Any responsible HOH will ensure that the woman is surrounded by her own natural feminine energies. If not, his duty as HOH is to put her back in touch with her submission by administering a bare bottomed, tearful discipline. Such a spanking quickly brings the masculine/feminine energies back into balance and proportion. Such a spanking will always render the woman to face up to her femininity and submission.

Dominance vs. Submission

When a man takes control of his woman he renders her powerless, submissive and feminine. The exchange of energies between the dominant man and submissive woman are extenuated when the man releases the ultimate depth of his authority.

Within the authoritative male there exists a range of different actions, corresponding to the severity of her misbehaviour. These actions display themselves on a spectrum which range from a look or warning at one end, to a severe transformational disciplinary spanking at the other. The synergistic interplay of energies of masculine authority and feminine submission corresponds to what ever place on the spectrum the actions lie. A look or warning will inevitably invoke a tingling sensation in the woman. It will invoke a fleeting fear and a jolt into her submissive awareness. On the other end of the spectrum, however, a transformational spanking, as defined by lovingdd (Transformational Discipline) will force her to face up to her deepest levels of her submission. It will force her to face up to the very core of her womanhood.

Many women often mistakenly assume that it is the man’s job to keep a constant eye out for their misbehaviour. That it is a man’s job to remember every maintenance. Worse still that it is a man’s job to be so in tune with his woman that he can telepathically gauge when she is in “want” of a spanking. One woman once said to me, “Well… if I have to ASK him for a spanking, then what’s the point?” I never forgot this woman’s comment, because it really wasn’t that long ago when I would have been of the same opinion! It wasn’t all that long ago, when I would deliberately brat in order to release my HOH’s dominance. I was of the opinion that my bratting was forcing out his dominance, which would in turn released my womanly submission. But I was sadly mistaken! My HOH was more angry than dominant and the levels of my submission were very weak. All bratting has ever done is to cause disharmony in our home and bafflement to my confused HOH!

I have since learned from Lovingdd’s “Asking” article, that asking for the occasional maintenance or punishment brings out very deep levels of submission. It is extremely humbling and embarrassing to ask for a spanking, especially for punishment. Asking taps into the synergistic process of authority and submission. Asking actively involves me in the implication of my own punishment, which renders me in an accepting frame of mind. Asking, positively reinforces my HOH’s role as leader, protector and corrector. By asking I am inadvertently saying to my HOH that I am in need of his help. That I surrender in love, respect and obedience, honouring his position as protector and leader of our family. That I accept and welcome my discipline without demise. Because I know its benefits will transcend any pain I may experience. That it will benefit me as a woman.

Asking for punishment allows me to prepare in a more submissive and contrite frame of mind. It allows me to acknowledge my HOH’s masculine authority and feel the great sense of shame my misbehaviour has caused. Waiting for my punishment, stripped naked, scolded and feeling very humiliated in the corner or some other compromising position, allows me to prepare mentally and introspectively examine my misbehaviour. Asking makes me feel truly humbled and exudes a calm state of mind and heart. It allows me to accept and even welcome the severity of my spanking, allowing me to truly understand the benefits at an exceptionally deep level.

To summarise: The whole concept of being aware of ones femininity, is primarily a result of being in tune with ones innate feminine energies, against the opposing masculine ones. If a woman is not aware of her energies, then she will never be able to respond to the male call. She will always compete with other men, being oblivious of her own gender role. Increasing pressure in Britain has tried to avoid any emphasis on gender. A genderless society can only cause harm. If people are not aware of their genders, even at a basic level, then they will never be able to form healthy sexual relationships. Pseudo-feminists, feminist-separatists and other sectors discriminating against male led relationships, have caused much harm. In not wanting to discriminate against such minority groups, Britain has accepted these practises as healthy and normal. However, such acceptance is to the serious detriment of the very natural and inborn expressions of both the masculine and feminine. It has seriously damaged women's innate tendencies to follow their natural, inherent feminine and submissive instincts.

There are many different levels of awareness to femininity and submission. This awareness is a direct result of being in tune with the inborn, feminine instincts of being a woman. This awareness is heightened with the interplay between the masculine and feminine energies. At one deep level the woman responds to her man as they make love, as she completely surrenders herself over to his manhood. But at a much more profound level her awareness of self, increasing submission and consequent lovemaking is heightened, when she responds to her man’s chastisement and correction. There is absolutely no doubt that Loving Domestic Discipline taps into a woman’s submissive awareness, where she is embracing the true beauty of her womanhood. There is absolutely no doubt that Loving Domestic Discipline unleashes the truer deeper essences of womanly submission and obedience. There is absolutely no doubt that LDD is the gate way to unlocking femininity and promoting a deep sense of harmony, balance, peace and love.


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Family News (June 06)

Dear readers,

It’s a long time since I posted family news, so I thought I should do one now before June 06 disappears out of existence…

R’s News:

R recently had a nasty accident whilst gardening. He was using a sickle to prune back the wild geraniums (which grow rampantly in our garden) and hit a stone. The sickle bounced off and went through R’s left index finger. Unfortunately, he partially cut through his tendon and had to have an operation to have the tendon stitched up. He had to be very careful and was not allowed to use his hand for some time. Using his finger may have severed the tendon completely, which would have resulted in loss of feeling and effective use of that finger.

R is, however, right handed, so I wasn’t let off the hook at all when it came to his corrective procedures! I had to be very mindful whilst being spanked, to stay absolutely still and not bring my hand around to hold his. Sometimes during punishment, when the pain gets too much I will hold R’s hand as a reassurance of his love and commitment, in trying to correct my misbehaviour.

C’s News:

I’m really sorry, but I have to fly back to Eastern Europe. I will be away from Monday June 26th – Thursday July 13th. I'll be away from the computer for the whole of this time and won't be able to respond to any emails. If anyone wants any information regarding the workshop or the Loving Domestic Discipline get together, then please email SnN at

Before I go, I will finish the essay I started on femininity months back. I tried to pick it up after my last trip away, but I completely lost the thread… I find that if I don’t finish writing something there and then, the moment becomes lost – all my initial ideas dissolve and remain forgotten about. I do promise, however, that I’ll post it at the end of this week, no matter how badly it hangs!

I would like to say how grateful I am, for all your help on the recent troubles I’ve been having surrounding my submission. Before I started blogging, I had no idea about submission at all. I had no concept of what it really meant, nor that submission had always been such an integral part to my life. I would like to thank you for helping me discover such a fundamental part to my psyche. A part I often felt stirring deeply inside me, but never fully realised what it was, nor that it even had a name!

Writing on this site and reading other people’s blogs around the area of Loving Domestic Discipline has really helped me grow in confidence. It is truly wonderful that my journey of discovery has brought an inner comfort and reassurance that I’m not alone with my feelings, but one amongst many…

This realisation has made me so much more aware of who I am and has helped me discover the most hidden and forgotten places of my femininity.


Sunday, June 18, 2006

Transformational Discipline

Lovingdd’s latest article, has certainly taken our community by storm. Much to his credit, people seem to have really understood the need for such a discipline. I’m ashamed to admit, that although I understood the deep psychological implications for such a spanking, I was very reticent about it. My defence mechanisms in light of my previous struggle with submission, rendered it impossible to even finish reading his article!

My only consolation was the knowledge that I'd be safe from such a spanking. My HOH has little time to read other blogs, so as long as I didn’t tell him about this article, then I would remain protected.

But what is this "pseudo" protection I’m talking about? I am neither protecting myself, my HOH, nor the rest of my family or friends, with my fluctuating negative attitude and non-submissive misbehaviour. If I had cancer it would be ridiculous to say, “I refuse to have surgery in order to protect myself from the pain and fear of the operation.” It would be ridiculous to presume that the cancer would miraculously disappear of its own accord!

My struggle with submission, is like having terminal cancer. There are so many different levels of negativity inside me. Like tumours, they are slowly eating away and eroding the very core of my femininity. My HOH is not home during the week. I’m not fortunate to benefit from daily maintenance discipline. Had I been lucky enough to receive daily maintenance, I would not be writing about the struggle I’ve been having with submission. These struggles would have been resolved a long time ago.

Why the change of heart?

A few days ago, whilst on the Loving Domestic Discipline site I was reading the “Questions” section. In response to one of the comments Lovingdd wrote:

“Many women feel that their resistance to their spankings is instinctive and beyond their control. This is totally wrong. The more a woman learns to be submissive, the more easily she can submit to her discipline. She will learn to accept and even welcome the pain of her spanking, because she knows how much good it is doing her as a woman.”

This statement of Lovingdd’s had a profound effect on me. Perhaps this acknowledgement took me by surprise, before my defence mechanisms had a chance to go up? After all, I wasn’t expecting to be reading something in the Questions section which (albeit indirectly) corresponded to the article on Transformational Discipline. This one statement was enough to be jolted to the truth. In my heart, I knew that the only way forward, would be to surrender to the acute pain and humiliation of an “Avoid At All Costs” spanking. I went back to read the article, but this time instead of dread, I felt a strange calmness transcend over me...

This afternoon, I told my HOH all about the article on Transformational Discipline. I outlined all the benefits, describing how such a discipline would touch on the very depth of my womanly submission. How it would rapidly bring me forward to a more positive outlook with increased understanding and awareness. So, I plucked up the courage and respectfully “asked” if my HOH would consider giving me an almighty punishment spanking of such magnitude. My HOH, understanding the profound benefits that such a spanking would bring, said he would be more than happy to oblige and set the date for next Saturday. In the meantime, he said he would read the article so that he understood it in its deeper context.

Yes, I am frightened. My punishment spankings usually last ½ an hour of solid hard spankings – usually starting with the hand and proceeding to the paddle then loopy Johnny. After ½ an hour my bottom is usually extremely sore from both “thud” and “sting” and I’m physically very tired from crying cathartically. I really dread the idea of having the time doubled to 1 hour. I keep on reading one of the comments underneath the article, where a woman received this type of punishment and it lasted two hours! I gain strength from her comment – if she can go through a two hour punishment then I can certainly go through one hour!

Along with a deep sense of fear about my oncoming discipline, I also have a deep sense of acceptance. Never before have I felt such acceptance in welcoming an extremely severe spanking like this. I actually feel a great sense of relief, as I openly welcome this punishment with some new and awakened understanding.

My defiant, unsubmissive misbehaviour is laced with fatal risks. Like cancer, there is only one stab at a cure before it eats me up from the inside. Only an invasive procedure will ever be effective. Alternative non-invasive methods, have their place and can be very useful in dealing with milder problems. But for something as serious and potentially fatal as this, there is only one solution - to get to the root of the poison and extract it by "direct" and "painful" means. Through a Transformational Disciplinary Spanking.

Please wish me luck, I have a whole week to think about this!


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Healing Steps Towards Submissive Enlightenment

Dear readers,

Last week I posted about the problems I was having with submission. Since then with the turmoil of day to day life, I’ve had little or no time to give feedback. I don’t like to leave problems hanging and unresolved like this. I don’t want you to think that your help wasn’t beneficial to me. On the contrary, it was very helpful indeed!

Over this last week, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, talk and benefit from my HOH’s discipline and loving guidance. I feel as if real progress has been made regarding my acceptance and understanding of my man's affair. I do acknowledge that I have a long way to go and thanks to all your help I have managed to turn a corner…

Anon, is certainly very mature to suggest talking with my HOH, whenever I have feelings of rebellion. This is something I will obviously need to work on. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m not always very mature in arguments; once I reach a certain level I will carry on relentlessly (usually until R puts me over his knee for a sound spanking – only then will I listen!) Having Eastern European blood makes me very passionate. I make love with passion, but hate and argue with passion too. I realise that this passion is sometimes quite negative which often gets me into trouble. I have come a long way in trying to be more subdued with my feelings and approach. My HOH also wants me to become more aware of my smaller outbursts rather than suppress them. I will need to work on being able to respectfully let go of smaller emotions, rather than ignoring them. I find that I ignore smaller emotions quite frequently, which I do to remain in my submissive state. I haven't yet learned how to let go of small issues, whilst remaining both respectful, obedient and submissive.

Wistful is right I do need to repattern my behaviour and I understand that it will inevitably take some time to achieve this. With my man's correction, love, patience and consistency I will eventually succeed. And yes, “wanting” to submit to my HOH means half the battle is won! :-)

Thevikingswife hit the nail on the head when she talked about “absolute” trust. There are so many different levels to trust. I do trust my husband, but, I cannot truthfully say that I trust him the way I did before his affair. I know he won’t do the same again, so I trust him on that very basic level. However, I struggle with trust on a higher and more spiritual level – after my HOH's affair something inside me broke. I wonder if this “something” will ever come back? Perhaps, this “something” was the deeper level of trust? I do know, however, that to “totally” surrender myself in submission I must have that “something” in place, without it I will never experience those profound levels of submission. Without it I will never experience the extent of my femininity - the ultimate depth of my womanhood.

At a deeper level, I do fear giving my "all" in complete surrender to my man. This fear is a primary instinct which denies access to my emotions at the very core. It is a clear demonstration of not being in touch with my emotions at the root…

My dear friend SNN, who probably knows me best of all, was the one who suggested that I wasn’t in tune with my emotions. My first reaction was to block her suggestion with my defence mechanisms by telling her that I’m “perfectly” aware. But, am I really that aware? On the basic level, yes - the levels I talk about with ease are the levels I’ve accepted into my awareness. However, the inability to comprehend why R did what he did is a classic example of blocking certain areas and being completely detached from them. So yes, as a result of blocking these certain levels, by not allowing them into my awareness, these issues have remained UNRESOLVED. Thank you SNN for pointing this out to me and I’m sorry for my first response to you. Sometimes with complex issues like this, a quick response to a well thought out comment can be quite single minded. Sometimes complex problems which emanate deeply need some time for reflection, before a thorough and meaningful response can be made.

It must be said, however, that Loving Domestic Discipline has been instrumental in being the cement that has fused our relationship together. It came at a time when I was planning on leaving my HOH. Instead of discord It has brought us harmony, balance and a deep sense of peace. It has opened up an intense feeling of love, intimacy and protection. During discipline, the deep emotional release I experience through my catharsis, is both healthy and healing - binding and reconnecting us ever closer...

Thank you so very much for all your very kind thoughts, wishes and suggestions.


Friday, June 09, 2006

Response to the LDD Social Gathering...

We’ve had a good response to the Loving Domestic Discipline get together so far. Thank you to all those to have contacted either SNN or myself and please keep those emails coming in. We are really sorry, but if there are too many enquirers by November we may have to limit the numbers to a “first come first served” basis. :-(

I would like to politely remind people, that it was neither SNN's nor my intention to set up an LDD dating service. The purpose of the get together, is to learn from each other and forge long lasting contacts with like minded people. We are not discouraging single people, who may not presently be in an LDD relationship. On the contrary, we welcome all singles and couples alike. If you do happen to find the partner of your dreams, then it is an added bonus – in other words we hope the ethos of our get together, will be considered as a “way to a means” of making new contacts and not a “means to an end” of finding a partner. Please also consider the possibility that many people may come on their own, but it doesn’t automatically mean they are looking for a relationship. I intend to come on my own, since R will have used up all his vacation time in September (whilst we're both in Africa) - but I certainly hope not to be labelled as part of the single scene.

We also need to remember to be tolerant of other people’s practices. Perhaps, one way of looking at Loving Domestic Discipline, is to liken it to the analogy of building a house. The bricks form the solid core and foundation. The cement in between each brick is the binding of love and commitment - but the actual buildings (peoples' practices) will all vary considerably in design... The beauty of LDD is that it isn’t linear, but multi-dimensional lending itself to be built upon and enhanced in many different styles…

SNN and I will keep on updating the announcement every month, until the day when we all finally meet for the first time.

Remember: Everyone is most welcome! Whether you are single or part of a couple.

This is SO exciting!!:-)


Saturday, June 03, 2006

My Problem With Submission...

Dear readers,

I’m sorry for not posting for some time but things have been quite pressured and will unfortunately continue like this until the end of term…

One of the reasons my very kind HOH wants to send me on a workshop dealing with submission, is because I have been really struggling with this for some time. I would very much like to try and outline the problem I’m struggling with.

The focus of my difficulty stems from my HOH’s affair. This is not a subject I like to bring up anymore since it isn’t fair to mention something of such a highly emotive nature, something my HOH cannot change. What’s done is done… However my man was immensely relieved when I finally brought this up as being the block to my submission. Now that we have discussed it at length, I feel that I can let go of this problem via the blog, with the hope of getting some advice. Laura Doyle’s workshop is a long way off and there are no other such alternatives, or workshops here in the UK.

The problem I have is complicated since it’s not rooted in dealing/accepting certain emotions, rather it is instinctual. I have forgiven my husband, I trust he won’t do the same again and I have fully come to terms with his actions and irresponsibility. If I were struggling with any of these issues, then the problem would be deemed emotional. Emotional problems are easier to deal with because you can isolate that feeling or hurt and reflect on it. You can also talk about it and try and rationalise it into the bigger spectrum. Instinctual problems, on the other hand are not felt or visualised – they simply exist. They exist on an innate level, something akin to the instinct of putting your hands out in front to break your fall.

To exemplify what I mean I will illustrate a classic pattern of my misbehaviour:

I submit beautifully to my HOH, I submit to all his decisions and his correction. I always try and pre-empt what little thing I can do to please him and it excites me and opens the core of my submission to feel his masculine energies overpowering me. Then there comes a point, where unconsciously I feel myself retaliating against these natural urges. It is almost like a valve, as soon as I reach a certain depth to my submission I become stubborn, defiant and reticent. I quickly come out of my submission, it's like two ends of a polarity with nothing in between.

These instinctual urges that bring me out of my submission are my “defence mechanisms.” As a child, due to both physical and emotional abuse, I built up very strong defence mechanisms. These defences saved me from feeling the extent of pain that I would have otherwise felt. However, these very defence mechanisms which once “saved” me are now out to “destroy” me. What once acted as a protection is now acting as an obstacle to reaching that loving depth of obedience and submission I so very much crave for.

My HOH thinks my problem lies in a lack of trust. But I really don’t believe that this is the problem…. I’m afraid I don’t really know what the problem is?