Sunday, April 30, 2006

A Poem - "The Colours of my Spanking"

In spanking me,
You leave your mark.
Upon my bottom,
White and stark...

From white, my bottom,
Turns to pink.
The stinging,
Really makes me think!

From pink, a rosy
Red you see,
Lying obediently,
Across your knee...

From rosy shade,
To crimson red.
Heeding warnings.
Sent to bed!

All these colours,
I can’t deny.
Lessons learnt,
Cathartic cry...

But in the morning,
Shows different hues.
Once pinks and reds,
Now yellows and blues!


Wednesday, April 26, 2006

My Journey Towards Submission (3)

Since starting my journey towards submission, I have begun to notice an increased “awareness” in my own submissive urges. I have begun to be able to hold onto these urges for a little longer... Perhaps, my increased awareness is all down to temporarily immersing myself in submissive literature, articles and other such texts? Perhaps, once I’m not so “focused” on learning to be submissive, these urges will sadly capitulate back to levels which I previously encountered - i.e. that such urges will only present themselves whilst in the presence of my HOH? Particularly, when he’s praising or pulling me up for some aspect of my behaviour.

I have recently discovered that as I’m going around the house, completing the various tasks and chores my husband has assigned for me, that this awareness has become heightened. This intense feeling of being directly in tune with my feminine submission, is over-spilling into my daily chores. Strangely, I no longer feel it’s such an "effort" to obey and do something I don’t want to do. Rather, I feel completely immersed within these strong submissive feelings. I feel that obeying increases the likelihood of remaining within the rapture of my submissive state for longer...

I can hear my husband's voice inside my head telling me, reminding me, instructing me, very clearly. I can hear his tone and inflections in his low, manly voice. This increased awareness – this "overtly" sensual expression of my femininity, which directly corresponds to and is in tune with my husband’s masculine demands, has increased my sexual hunger for him. Submission has heightened my passion for lovemaking. I have found that submission is the key to unlocking and increasing this sexual awareness. However, during punishment spankings, I feel a covert (hidden) sexual exchange in our masculine and feminine energies. I find that both my submission and sexuality are heightened when I find myself in the humiliating position of placing myself over my man’s knee during discipline. Such feelings of intimacy are particularly increased if my husband uses his hand instead of an implement. Just the touch of his hand alone on my bare bottom fills me with heightened frenzy. However, these natural feelings of sexual intimacy become confined during punishment spankings. The guilt, catharsis and pain from my spanking encompassed within very profound, potent and powerful emotions keep such sexual overtness at bay. I am still acutely aware of the sexual exchange, the inter-play between our masculine and feminine energies, but it is more of a hidden sexuality. I have found that the intense emotions during punishment will supersede the existence of our sexual emotions. The strong guilt for my misbehaviour and “overwhelming” emotions which result from punishment spankings, will always eclipse the overtly masculine and feminine inter-play of our sexual energies.

This heightened awareness of R's masculine energies against my feminine ones have manifested themselves in a variety of different ways. For example, I suffer from PMT which often results in very negative, emotional and uncontrollable outbursts of misbehaviour. Recently, however, when my husband had cause to reprimand me, instead of blaming it on PMT and carrying on in my usual obnoxious and argumentative way - feeling in some way vindicated that my bad behaviour was simply a natural expression of being a woman. I stopped midway - the sound of my man's voice alone was enough to feel the overwhelming urge to surrender, leaving me like putty in his hands. I was really rather astonished at my reaction! PMT has always been too strong a force to reckon with! So much so, that my behaviour would very quickly spiral to uncontrollable levels. In such an event my husband would not be able to turn my behaviour around by simply talking to me and trying to reason with me, which he can now do with great effect. ;-) He previously, would have had to resort to giving me a firmly spanked bottom, beyond tears to have obtained a similar result in my mood!

My real journey towards submission started during R’s 5 week break. One of my vacation reads was Laura Doyle’s book “The Surrendered Wife.” This book formed the basis of my exploration into submission. It made me reflect on many aspects of my attitude and behaviour, in some areas it was a very uncomfortable read...

I first started by relinquishing control, which I had been doing before reading her book. But this time I was trying to do it with greater effect. One method suggested by her which I found very useful, was to immediately apologise to my man for any disrespect caused. So, each time I made a disparaging comment or flippant remark I immediately retracted those words by saying “I’m really sorry, that was a very disrespectful thing to say.” Or “Please forgive my disrespectful remark?” This method was so simple yet so effective. R’s eyes lit up immediately as he said, “Of course I forgive you, I can see how hard you’re trying! Good girl!”

The start of my journey happened during a difficult time. Our trip to Ghana postponed and the house full of dust from R’s sander. I was so angry. I bit my tongue (some of the time!) and carried on. Laura stressed in her book that I should apologise even if I don’t mean it. To start with it was very hard, I had to apologise and quickly turn away before R could see my insincerity. On one occasion he asked if I wanted a cuddle straight after, “No, of course I don’t want a ***** cuddle!!” I snapped. R looked totally confused, one second I was apologising and the next I was biting his head off! He didn’t know about Laura Doyle’s book! Each time I apologised I would go and take time-out in our bedroom and try to empathise with R. Sitting upstairs, slowly taking the time to reflect on my misbehaviour was helping. I began to see how hard it was for my husband. He was doing the really nasty and grueling work. I was constantly complaining how I couldn’t breathe, how the dust was constantly in my hair and clothes and I wasn’t even in direct contact with it!

R spanked me a lot during that period, sometimes several times in one day and sometimes in anger. He was tired and stressed and my attitude certainly wasn’t helping! Since R was home and not in the city and since he was busy with DIY, there was no time for him to plan and perpare my punishment - R would usually spank me immediately, really hard and without any warning or warm-up. There was one time I refused to get into the punishment position. I told R that his bad mood was really frightening me, R is usually so passive, being angry like that may give you some indication how negative my attitude was! I’d never actually seen R so angry. He thanked me for pointing this out, admitted to his anger and left the room for about 5 minutes before coming back to administer my spanking.

I’ve come along way since then and I've taken steps to deal with my temper. I’ve learnt that being angry is a natural emotion. Being submissive doesn’t mean you never get angry. It’s how you deal with your anger that matters. Having a fit or temper tantrum is extremely destructive behaviour to myself and to those around. I find that some time on my own, doing some physical exertion helps, like going to the gym or for a run. Recently, having tapped into my new heightened awareness and being in tune with my submission, has made me surrender without much effort. This heightened awareness of my true, feminine, submissive urges, has been a real break through for me! Long may it last!

One very difficult area in Laura’s book, talked about taking a share of the blame for R’s affair. This was an uncomfortable read! Laura didn’t say that R should be vindicated, but she did say that there were probably underlying reasons why R did what he did. When I think back through our marriage, where I would demand to get my own way, our arguments could go on for days, but usually R would just give me what I wanted straight away. If not, I would cry, beg, shout until finally R would say, “OK, just do what you want, anything for a quiet life!” One time when R did take control away and made some arrangement without consulting me, I was so angry I made him a cup of coffee into which I emptied half a bottle of Tabasco! Yes, it was a very immature thing to do, but I was only 18years old at that time. Sadly, I have now come to realise that my shrill and controlling nature from the very start of our marriage, played a large part in R’s affair!

So far, my journey, exploration and practise into becoming a submissive wife, has been filled with wonderment! My very kind HOH has promised, that if I'm very good and continue to make steady progress, he will send me to the US in August to go to one of Laura Doyle’s workshops. I’ve been in touch with the co-ordinator who told me that she will try to get a group organised – if she can’t it will have to be a private tête-à-tête. Personally I prefer groups, so you can get a discussion going and meet like-minded people along the way. I really hope I go!! The UK doesn’t have any workshops relating to submission at all!

From now on I will just have to be good... VERY GOOD!!!!!!


Saturday, April 22, 2006

My Journey Towards Submission (2)

I have just embarked upon a wonderful journey and taken my first tentative steps towards becoming a submissive wife. I am undertaking this journey in order to fulfil an intense desire to please my husband, at a much deeper and profound level. A desire which will liberate me and put me in touch with my true feminine self...

My duty is to love, honour and obey my husband, to treat my man with the respect he deserves. My duty is to yield to my man's authority, submit to his correction and to gain wisdom from his teachings. My duty is to always have the courage and fortitude, to follow his guidance as he assumes his natural male role of "head" and "leader" of our family. I aim never to be too proud to admit that I'm wrong, but to apologise, learn from my mistakes and move forward. I aim never to dwell on past punishments or hold grudges. I aim to be openly feminine, softly spoken, virtuous, mild, tender, humble, demure and attentive to fulfilling my husband's needs. Fulfilling my man's needs frees me as a woman. My quest in achieving this wonderful "freedom" is through "submission"...

A few days ago my membership was accepted into “The Submissive Wife Project” I made my first posting, by way of introduction yesterday and I was amazed by the very friendly and rapid response my introduction generated. Their hospitality and welcome, genuine concern for my welfare and warmth truly touched me. I have even been given a mentor to show me around the site, be on hand with answers to questions and help with any technical difficulties along the way. So far, my mentor has already written 3 very friendly emails – it is quite a job keeping up with her!

My greatest and most common act of disobedience to my HOH is my lack of “time-management,” I tend to leave everything to the very last minute… Some of you may have read a couple of posts back, where R was forced to give me my most severe spanking to date. Unfortunately, his correction of my misbehaviour was solely due to this frequent transgression. The fairly lengthy email I was told to recite to him on Good Friday, for failing to carry out his explicit instructions, I didn’t actually start memorising until the afternoon of the recital. But, unbeknown to me, several events got in the way that day, preventing me from learning his email – we had an unexpected visitor and I had a really lovely phone call from The Submissive Wife Project. After the phone call my head was spinning with excitement from the brief outline of the project and what the principles of submission were. So, instead of committing R’s email to memory, I found myself jotting down notes about submission - which was hardly a submissive act! Some irony there! Had I simply got on with the task he clearly set out days before, without constantly procrastinating, then I wouldn’t have ended up in so much trouble!

My punishment, for such deliberate disobedience has really gone some way, in helping me realise at a “deeper” level that I really must adhere to my husband's instructions! My spanking may have been severe, but this wasn’t the first time I left things to the last minute. My HOH wanted me to truly learn from this punishment. He wanted me to understand his message loud and clear and under no uncertain terms! I believe I have truly learnt from my spanking and the “Wiki” has been of immense help. I now have all my chores set out in boxes and I have to mark them as complete, partially complete, or incomplete. The "good girl" smilies are great, I know when R is pleased with me (so far I haven't had any "bad girl" frownies!) Such a device is incredibly beneficial since it prevents me from leaving all my chores to the final few hours before R’s return!

My most recent disobedience to R, wasn’t so much in writing the previous post which made him uncomfortable, but, by changing the post when he specifically told me not to. I went to bed that night after reading the post over the phone to him. I could tell by his voice that I had hurt him. I felt incredibly guilty and bad about hurting him and as a consequence got up 3 hours later, in order to change and add bits to the post. Yes, I was fully aware of being disobedient by directly going against his instructions, but I was so desperate to put things right! R told me on the phone the next day that what I wrote in the post was understandable – I can’t pitch things at the right level all the time. Yes, I was tackless, but changing it was the real act of disobedience! I don’t know why I frequently find myself in what I call a “grey area.” I’m often getting into trouble for something relatively minor and then make things ten times worse by acting impetuously in trying to put things right! I seriously believe that my behaviour would improve immensely if my husband didn’t have to work away. I believe daily maintenance spankings would keep me both sweet and respectful and would go a long way in seeing a marked improvement in both my behaviour and submission. Having said this, R has noticed an immense improvement in the way I approach problems and my attitude to life generally. So although he is regularly away, marked improvements have been made. ;-)

Another major problem I have is I tend to lack balance in my personal life. Professionally, I am required to be very multi-tasking and keep all the plates spinning all of the time – this I manage to do without question. But, in my personal life I become rather selective and only concentrate on a few areas. A prime example of this is my approach to Loving Domestic Discipline, where I’m finding the theoretical side (writing about LDD) incredibly interesting but the practical side (my obedience) immensely hard to achieve. My very patient husband would clearly like to see this balance re-dressed. ;-) Considering, that I’ve recently joined “The Submissive Wife Project” where I’m required to post regularly. Considering, that this project will clearly benefit me regarding my obedience and submission to my HOH, I think that I will only be able to make blog postings twice weekly, practically speaking. Twice weekly I promise, any more will be a bonus. My good intentions were to blog daily, but this I’m finding all too difficult, within my current time frame.

My dear readers, as I take the first few steps into my journey, I have outlined some of my human weaknesses, so that you can assess any improvements at first hand. Submission is at the very cornerstone of Loving Domestic Discipline, without allowing these deep levels of submission to emerge, I will never fully benefit from this wonderful lifestyle, nor feel the true glory of my womanhood.


Addendum: I should have mentioned that "The Submissive Wife Project" has strict rules regarding confidentiality. I will not be able to disclose any information, not even my HOH is permitted access.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My Journey Towards Submission (1)

Revised and updated 04/20/2006

Recently, submission has been on the forefront of my mind...

I’m at the beginning of a wonderful journey into something that scares and excites me both at the same time. I feel as if I’m standing on the edge of a precipice and once I let myself go there will be no going back... Submission is not a lifestyle, rather it is a way of being and thinking – it is the true essence of a woman. Once I allow submission into my life, I know that this acutely innate instinct, will manifest itself in all other areas of my life. The very real fear I have is the realisation that once I give myself into these natural urges it will (primarily) overpower me. I instinctively know, however, that I need to be “overpowered” in order to feel “empowered.” This empowering, will give me that deep sense of freedom, strength and womanhood I have craved for all my conscious life.

I feel that my journey will be a long and arduous one. I have so much to learn, I am not a submissive woman, even though I so very much want to be... true submission is a very hard state to accomplish. True submission exists in the woman’s every waking and sleeping thought - it truly is a state of being, mind and heart. I have such a long way to go from this starting point... I also believe that true submission is not only innately feminine, but innately spiritual as well. Perhaps this is because of its very natural tendencies? Everything in life that is simple, pure, natural and instinctual lends itself to an awareness of spirit. It strips away the man-made fabric and allows us to stand before our creator (or be one with nature) in the most natural and feminine way, as our creator/nature has intended. Such a natural way of being lends us as women to instinctively stand in a similar way in front of our men - stripped of our ego, pride and control. It allows for the most beautiful feminine characteristics of our being to come flooding forth. It allows the very essence of our womanhood to flower and in doing so it allows our men to take their rightful place within the home. We are standing aside and allowing our men to be men – to take authority, leadership and control, to allow the essence of their masculinity to radiate out.

I still have very little understanding of what submission means, but I feel the essence of this awareness stirring deep from inside me. A month ago I would have firmly believed that exploring those ‘deeper’ levels of submission was something which transpired during discipline alone. I believed that the deepest level of submission was the moment of absolute surrender during discipline where I would start crying cathartically and no longer be aware of the acute pain of my spanking. I believed that this surrender was the final climax – where I handed myself over completely. I must confess I never put much thought into submission outside of discipline… At one level I believed that I did act submissively towards my husband as I yielded to his authority and complied to his will. But, I wrongly assumed that this submission could be turned on/off at a moment’s notice – particularly when my husband was not physically present! I didn’t fully realise that submission was at the VERY foundation of Loving Domestic Discipline. Since LDD cannot be switched on/off – it is a way of life, then it is logical to assume that submission cannot be switched on/off either. Rather it is something that threads itself through the very heart of Loving Domestic Discipline.

Although, we have been in a domestic discipline relationship all our married life, submission did not feature in our lives at all. Submission played no part in R correcting my misbehaviour. I’m ashamed to admit that I would actually dominate/brat R into spanking me, but my spanking never fulfilled me…. Why?? I never fully understood the answer to this question until recently. The answer to this question came as a revelation to me: I was actually “dominating” my husband to release my suppressed unconscious feminine “submission”. It beggars belief, that I was actually dominating him to release my submission!! The moment when R had enough of my bratting and took control away from me, was when I was only too aware of his masculine energy and my female subservience. This (albeit temporary) release of my submission was a great relief to me… I would submit to my spanking, surrendering to his masculine vibes, but shortly after my spanking was over the same frustration would descend on me once again. R who was more ‘vanilla’ in the early stages, at the very beginning of our marriage, would frequently become more and more frustrated with me. “How many times in one day must I spank you? I wish you could just be normal!!” He would frequently say...

I became increasingly unhappy, I felt abnormal and had no one to share my feelings with. In my mind I would frequently escape to a past boyfriend. Although he never spanked me, when he said “no”, I knew he meant “no” there was never any argument or wangling to get my own way. R and I began moving away from domestic discipline and began to get increasingly more distant with each other. It wasn’t until I came across Lovingdd’s blog where all this changed...

The effects of reading Lovingdd’s articles had a deeply profound affect on me. At first I was completely mesmerised. Never in my life had I read anything like this before! Never in my life had such wisdom opened up an awareness so very deep within me! After printing and re-reading each and every post I found myself sitting on the floor crying whilst surrounded by his articles. I didn’t know why I was crying, or why the following days seemed to merge into one. I just seemed to lose all track of time… I didn’t realise that the reason for my tears was that the very fabric of the words, was bringing out my suppressed feminine submission. His articles were unlocking something very deep inside me, something deep and innate from within my unconscious. I remember repeating to R on the phone that night “...but, it’s me, it’s me, he is writing all about me...” I begged R to read the articles, but unfortunately, he was too busy.

During the following weeks, I colour coded the articles. I also highlighted sections, so that R’s attention could be easily drawn to certain key areas which were of particular importance. I filed everything into a large lever arch file and travelled down to the city to spend the weekend with him. That weekend R showed no interest in the articles and wondered why my mood was so subdued… As the weeks passed by, I began to feel extremely rejected, I felt that by not reading the articles R was rejecting me at a very deep level – he was rejecting my womanhood...

These were the early days, the very fragile beginnings... it wasn’t just R’s fault, but mine too. In fact I am mostly to blame! My early years of constant bratting had really not been easy for R! My actions must have driven him demented! R didn't even like the idea of spanking. Being a pacifist, this notion was abhorrent to his strong beliefs and principles, but he did it nevertheless, because he loved me...

In the early days, after reading Lovingdd's articles, it was incredibly hard putting my feelings into words. I knew my feelings had overwhelmed me, but I couldn’t articulate them to R - not even on a very basic level. So, it hardly seems surprising that he didn't see the great urgency in reading the articles. This problem of communication didn’t stem from not knowing the “answer” to a certain question, but from not even knowing the “question.” I was only aware of being immersed within these very deep and intense emotions - being unable to verbalise these feelings was the crux of my problem!

I would like to make it clear at this point, that all I have described are "past" events. Both R and I are no longer at that "same" starting point... My husband and I have both come a long way, a very long way, in a very short space of time. As R's dominance grows my submission for him grows. This synergistic process of dominance and submission facilitated through Loving Domestic Discipline has been the continuous thread which has woven our marriage with strength and fortitude. R's leadership skills are exemplary! His continued monitoring and assessment of my behaviour and correction when needed are excellent!!

I have now started my journey towards becoming a submissive wife. The beauty of this journey is that it is ongoing. It is a continuous process of growth, development and improvement. It is the chance to finally awaken the deep essence of my womanhood which has lain dormant for all these years...


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Updated Post

Dear Readers,

I’ve recently updated the post on "My Journey Towards submission (1)." I have addressed the balance without taking any of the essential ingredients out and have stressed the notion that all events are very much in the past tense...

My duty as a wife is to love, honour and obey my husband, without question and respect him without reserve. It is not only my duty, but my quest to always strive at being the kind of wife my husband can be proud of. It is sometimes hard for me to write a post that is both honest and experiential (concentrating on "real life" events) whilst also considering the effects such a post may have on my husband. Since my husband works away from home, I cannot benefit from his loving guidance or correction all of the time. Instead I have to second guess what/how I should act in certain situations to remain both respectful and obedient – I do not always get this right, but I do try. My husband told me late last night that my post made him feel uncomfortable. I was too blunt in my openness, which is actually a common fault of mine!

My intention when writing the post was to outline the negative past events (on both sides) so that I could emphasise how the principles and application of Loving Domestic Discipline have clearly benefited us both. My intention was to split the postings into: “Submission 1, 2 and 3,” which showed a rapid progression of amazing results. Please understand that publicly disrespecting my husband was never my intention, nor is it my style. I am not writing some fairy-tale scenario. R is neither infallible nor God-like, both of us make mistakes - mistakes are one of the aspects of human nature. But having said this, R is a very strong leader. His leadership skills were not apparent before our LDD lifestyle, primarily because my wilfulness and control blocked his natural manly flow!

I think surviving 20yrs of marriage with some very serious issues to deal with along the way, clearly demonstrates the love and commitment we have for each other.

I apologise dear readers for my lack of thought, by inadvertently showing disrespect to my husband.


Monday, April 17, 2006

C got her worst spanking yet :(

This weekend has marked a turning point in our Loving Domestic Discipline relationship. Over the previous fortnight, while I was away, we have been keeping in regular contact by email about chores. Unfortunately, despite many attempts and lots of phone calls, C did not follow my instructions, this I found very disrespectful. Her punishment was to learn by heart one of the emails that she did not pay attention to. I told her that I would spank her for each mistake she made. Her recital was to be on Good Friday, the first day we would be back together, which gave her about four days to rehearse. Despite being given extra hours to prepare, C's performance was dreadful! Once again, she had ignored my instructions and it was clear that she had done no serious preparation. Something had to be done! Naturally, C was tearful and remorseful about letting me down consistently like this. I gave the matter some serious thought. I told C that she should have a severe spanking (to strong tears) and then be caned with a switch from the garden. I think that a switch cut from the forsythia is more severe than the cane because it's thinner and whippier. The reason for such a severe spanking was that we both acknowledged that her behaviour was not what it should have been for quite a while. This spanking would wipe out all the misdemeanours in the past, whether she had told me about them or not and regardless of whether she had already been punished for them. This was a real opportunity to forgive all past misbehaviours. I admit that I have been putting pressure on C to do lots of chores, so we agreed that we would begin anew with an easier regime, with not so much emphasis on chores, so that the impending result would send C a clear message of my approval rather than disapproval.

~Artist: Paula Russell~

Well, C took the most severe spanking yet with truly remarkable courage. I was very proud of her. She prepared well, which included reading from LovingDD's book and ten minutes of silent prayer in each other's arms. When I turned her over my knee and started spanking her (while C was naked, of course), I knew that something special was happening. During her spanking, she did not flinch once, even when I was putting all of my effort into it. But, I also knew that she was not zoning out, which is something that C sometimes does when she is resentful of being spanked. She was responsive to each spank but was very controlled and determined indeed. After about twenty minutes, when she was starting to cry properly (C will often whimper quite early during a spanking but it is difficult to bring her to tears), her hand rose up. Instead of covering her bottom, she found my left hand and held it hard. We spent the rest of the discipline holding hands! It was a very sweet moment that I am proud to describe because my C behaved so bravely. This hard spanking took about forty minutes and C was sobbing openly towards the end. I am not certain that I could have carried on much longer, such was the force and rapidity. C did corner time, naked by the fire until her bottom cooled down from a flaming red to a rosy pink. I then told her to drape herself over the arm of the settee for her switching. I gave her six of the very best. I am not too expert at caning/switching, since I reserve this only for the most severe punishment (which thankfully is very rare) so on one occasion I struck quite low and another, I hit a previous welt. Despite this, C was so well behaved that she did not flinch much at all and did not cry out. I could hear her sharp intakes of breath as she fought to keep control. The side of C's right hip and thigh were the mostly welted because of the whippy nature of the way the switch wrapped itself around. Next time, I will have to stand even more at an angle and try harder to aim for the left buttock.

I would like to describe the new regime I mentioned that emphasises success rather than failure. We now have our own private wiki (What's a wiki?) that we are using to track; chores, misbehaviours, punishments, C's journal and some other bits and pieces. We chose a wiki over email or a private blog because it is easier to share things while we are apart, whilst retaining a record of all changes made. One quite interesting technique we have discovered is to have a table of warnings. These are simply things that C should not do or else she will get whatever the prescribed punishment is. This is so much more precise. I can say in the wiki that C should not do xxx or else the punishment will be yyy. If C does do it at any stage in the future, then it is quite plainly recorded what the consequences will be, thus, sending a very clear message to C. Every table has a space for both C's comments and my comments and C has her journal page where she can express her feelings or respectfully raise issues. It is private so that we can be confident that we can speak openly about our domestic affairs and will be quite boring to the reader anyhow. I would be happy to discuss off line the practicalities if anyone thinks it might be appropriate for their LDD relationship. So far, it is going really well. I have chosen emoticons as a quick reference of recording C's behaviour (“smiley” for her good behaviour and “frowney” for her misbehaviour) whilst she also has a relatively straight forward structure of recording to follow. The chores that I have asked C to do have been very easy so far. It is nice to have some time where there is little pressure to get things done so I can dish out the praise and smileys liberally. C knows, however, that she will have to meet increasing demands as she builds up to becoming a more dutiful and respectful wife. C is already doing voluntary chores that she will get well deserved praise for.

I am so proud of my very good girl for the way she took her punishment and is working on improving her behaviour.


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Our LDD Community...

Blogging is a fantastic way of reaching out to like-minded people.
I have discovered that what I previously considered as huge differences, in other people’s practises, implementations and variations of the LDD lifestyle, has now diminished to a more even proportion... By breaking down the barriers that divide our community, we are unifying our beliefs and practices. We are standing proudly against 'vanilla' criticism, proclaiming our disciplinary practices as normal, healthy and natural expressions of who we are...

I was recently emailed by a lady, who asked me (after reading my latest posting on calling my HOH ‘Sir’ during discipline) if it doesn’t put our practice into a different category of Dom/sub or Master/slave? I politely emailed back telling her, that I’m not really too familiar on the various acronyms, or definitions surrounding the spanking scene. That both R and I were following the conventional practise of Loving Domestic Discipline, as founded by:

This whole issue about definitions did make me wonder, however...

When I first started blogging, I shamefully admit that I was judgemental. I was constantly trying to affirm what was/wasn’t LDD. I was constantly trying to form a ‘definition’ of what LDD was in my mind. Definitions, by their very nature, drive a wedge between people. However, by concentrating on the positive (our similarities not differences) dispels these barriers which keep us apart. It is a great shame that there are so many different 'categories' within the spanking genre. Without barriers, we could focus on our similarities and experiences. Without barriers, we would exchange ideas, lend support which would emerge from the frailty of our human feelings and emotions. Such expressions of human nature, would stand us in good stead, for having an increased awareness and deeper understanding about each other's needs. It would stand us in good stead, for standing side by side in solidarity. We would be brought together as a community, which stands firm and solid in its belief, against the ridicule and slander from those who mock our lifestyle.

Many people, who have quite different disciplinary/sexual practices to mine, came to my site and reached out. They reached out when I was on an ebb. I felt so depressed with all our family upheaval and yet they reached out with such friendliness, love and encouragement. Their tremendous act of support deeply shamed me for secretly holding such bias and discriminatory views... *sorry*

I suppose the great thing about life is that we learn from our mistakes and move on. Each time moving up a notch in our knowledge or spiritual understanding and growth... Each time becoming a little more tolerant of each others views and differences...

If we ‘must’ consider a definition for Loving Domestic Discipline; the definition already exists in its name:

LOVING – it is a loving act. Discipline, is the most loving act a man can give to his woman. People, who violently beat and mistreat their spouse, would most certainly not be following the LDD lifestyle! Likewise, the lifestyle is a loving contract between two people. Spanking his woman before entering into the agreement to follow this lifestyle is abuse - LDD is consensual.

DOMESTIC – is really synonymous with loving. You really need to be in a ‘loving’ and ‘committed’ relationship to follow this lifestyle. Effective behaviour modification would not be able to take place from a one night stand, nor trusting the leadership from a complete stranger. Behaviour modification is only effective as a continuum. A woman's behavioural improvement, growth and development, could not be successfully monitored in an ad-hoc relationship.

DISCIPLINE – is an aid of teaching, correcting and training. Discipline is meant to be temporarily unpleasant and spanking temporarily painful. Discipline must never cause permanent physical/psychological damage. Discipline is not akin to abuse.

Hope you all have a wonderful Easter!


Monday, April 10, 2006

C's Spring Report

My darling C,

I posted your last report,
An update from R in November 2005 so it would seem right to take stock again.

Since then you have:

  • Continued to offer your submission with increasing sophistication and respect
  • Developed our LDD relationship to another level
  • Developed a confident and sensitive blogging style
  • Coped well with your most serious problem
  • Coped quite well with Z's problems - You weren't fully in control at the beginning but you have grown to accept the situation

Unfortunately you have also:

  • Withdrawn consent for LDD on two occasions - both times tearfully retracted
  • Broken most of the items in your contract ( My Loving Domestic Discipline Contract) at least once and in the case of point 7, almost every time!!
  • Caused serious problems over the DIY and my decision to delay to our trip to Africa

Well, as you know darling, I deal with contracts quite a lot at work and they are rarely implemented according to the letter. Likewise, it is only really when the relationship is broken that the contract needs to be enforced, so I do not feel the need to enforce it right now. Having said that, all breaches of contract have a price to pay. In this case, it is the shame of having it posted to this blog and the knowledge that I have noticed your lack of respect. I expect you to try harder to keep your contract in future.

But do not despair, my darling. This is a good report and you are definitely improving. You are usually a good girl and you get clear discipline from me when you are not. Long may that continue.

In response to your last report you said "I want you to be very proud of me R. I would dearly like to get to the stage where you reap the results which you have painstakingly sown." Well you have succeeded! When I read that comment again, I was full of pride and admiration for what you have achieved. There have been times of bad behaviour but your respect for me is returning and your submission and obedience is growing. That is what counts.

To my good little girl, from your loving HOH,

R xxx

Friday, April 07, 2006

LDD Makes Me Feel so Feminine...

R is my leader - I have freely given myself over to a ‘male led’ relationship where R is the HOH (Head of House) and I comply with his decisions. As 'head', my husband has the final say... this does not mean that I do not have my own view point. R values my views and listens intently, sometimes he acts on my advice/opinions and sometimes not. In the end, the final decision is always R’s to make. R’s position as head and leader of our family, does not make me feel less valuable – we simply have differing gender roles.

There are SO many benefits to living a Loving Domestic Discipline relationship... too many to name. One such benefit, is that this lifestyle unlocks something very deep within my womanhood. This lifestyle makes me feel so VERY feminine. The constant inter-play of masculine and feminine energies is very apparent between us. I feel R’s masculinity pour over me - I ‘tingle’ when he instructs me to do something. I ‘tingle’ when he gives me a bed-time or some other loving limit – I want to please him SO much! I love being cradled in this protective environment of warmth and love. The fact that he is holding me accountable for my actions and modifying my behaviour is enveloping me, in a very deep sense of security. It’s making our relationship cement and stand firm against life’s obstacles.

I love being told I’m a ‘good girl,’ I ‘tingle’ with such pride, which wells deep from inside me. I also ‘tingle’ in a shameful way, when R scolds me and calls me a ‘bad girl’ or 'naughty' – I feel his masculinity, I feel the exchange of our masculine and feminine energies, I feel his disapproval, his power, his authority, intermingled with my fear, guilt, shame and anticipation... The vibes from these two opposing energies draw out the very feminine aspect of my womanhood.

The inter-play of energies emphasises our unique masculine/feminine natures... On one hand, when I misbehave, I feel so hurt in witnessing R's disapproval, as my stomach knots in fear, I feel quite nauseous. On the other, when I'm good, I blossom and thrive on R’s approval and praise. When I behave badly, I never feel at ease, until I have felt the firmness of his hand (or implement) as he strikes my bared bottom and corrects my misbehaviours – always out of love, never anger or resentment. I never feel at ease, until I have been soundly spanked through my tears, forgiven and redeemed.

If I misbehave when friends, family or visitors are present, I 'blush' and 'tingle' with a mixture of dread and ‘covert’ sexuality when R has had reason to whisper his reprimand sternly in my ear, or calls me by my nick-name ‘K.’
When others are present and R is forced to call me ‘K’ in public, I feel such humility. No one else knows, that R is warning me to turn my misbehaviour around. At such times, I often suspect that they do know, since the result of R’s warning makes me blush and go very quiet...

Calling R ‘Sir’ during my discipline emphasises these gender roles and makes me feel very feminine. It emphasises R’s masculine role as head and leader. Calling R ‘Sir’ also emphasises my submission towards him – I ‘tingle’ in surrender when I call R ‘Sir.’ I ‘tingle’ from the very core of my womanhood – this inter-play of our genders - the ‘covertly’ sexual nature of these energies, results in drawing out and acutely outlining, our very diverse masculine and feminine roles.

Calling my HOH ‘Sir’ also allows me to prepare for punishment in a more submissive, subdued and contrite frame of mind. It allows me to acknowledge, his deep masculine authority and feel the deep shame my misbehaviour has caused. As I await my punishment, in the corner naked, or in some other humiliating position, I feel very humbled and feminine. Feeling humbled and feminine, allows me to explore my shameful misbehaviour - it allows me to let go of 'some' of my fear and receive my punishment in a calmer state of mind. Such a calm state of mind (without too much panic) allows me to reach catharsis and surrender to the severity and pain of my spanking. It is catharsis, which allows me to overcome the pain-threshold. If I cry before my spanking, R knows that my discipline will be very effective and I should reach catharsis quite quickly. R never stops, but continues spanking me through my catharsis, until he knows that those deeper repressed emotions, have come up to the surface and been dispelled.

I call my husband ‘Sir’ not because he demands it, but because he has earned it. I respect my man with my life and totally surrender to him with my body, heart and soul. Calling R ‘Sir’ has not been easy for him to accept – titles go against the principles of his religion. R has given me this gift, so that it helps me on my journey, to becoming a deeply submissive, respectful, honest, obedient and very feminine woman.

I plan our trips, our vacations away. But R, as the head, has the authority to cancel our plans at a moment's notice. He doesn’t do this in a nasty, mean or revengeful sort of way; there is always a very good reason behind his actions. As a submissive wife, I have SO much to learn. I have only just started my journey in submission, even though we have been practising Domestic Discipline since before our marriage.
I am terribly ashamed to admit that when R cancelled our trip to Africa (for very good reasons – which I was too stubborn to see at the time) I did not take the news well. In fact, not taking the news well was an understatement! My actions, hateful words and disrespect towards him came out in a huge outburst of emotion! I even emailed another LDD’er to tell her all about my horribly mean husband! This other lady who has given me inordinate amounts of support emailed back saying... “But, you both seem so happy in your blog?” To which I responded, “That was yesterday, today I hate him! I hate him for the promise of a Christmas present (Africa) which has never materialised!”

I feel sorry for bothering my friend with such trivia and inadvertently showing her disrespect too - by unleashing all my negative energies on her. I am also sorry to R for not submitting to his decisions gracefully and for displaying such utter disrespect and childish behaviour. R wants me to post these events under the heading of “Severe Bratting” I said I would do this, but have not yet plucked up the courage. Although, I do think, from an ‘informative’ perspective it may dispel the notion (to some non-LDD practitioners) that ‘bratting’ is some myth, fallacy or at best play-acting!
The really bad thing about R being away again, is that instead of remembering the good times, my mind is frequently reminded of the hurt my misbehaviour caused him. Even the severe spankings haven’t taken the guilt away. R thinks it’s silly to be guilty and wants the whole episode forgotten about – although, he does say that feeling such intense guilt, is a very good thing, since he is very sure that I have learnt a valuable lesson!

From an intimately, personal perspective, Loving Domestic Discipline has unlocked something deep within my 'unconscious,' my 'soul,' my 'womanhood.' It has captured the essence of who I am - it has captured my 'femininity.' Other people will no doubt hold other feelings, experiences or beliefs. This is only natural, we are all different and human emotions are complex. I have never discriminated against anyone and recognise that the deep feelings I possess may deeply irritate or offend some people. I can only apologise for this...


Thursday, April 06, 2006

Synopsis of who we are...

Recently, there has been a lot of hurt and accusations flying about, regarding the apparently fictitious lifestyle of Patty’s blog (Creative Spanked Wife.) I cannot begin to comprehend why people are so worked up? Patty has provided so much to the ‘spanking’ community with her beautiful drawings, poems and creative writing. In my opinion, if you have enjoyed reading Patty’s blog – then complaining about her lack of factual material in her stories is mean-spirited! If it’s all fictitious, then so be it! It’s her blog and she can write what she likes! Has she ever misrepresented her writing by putting it forward as fact?

Patty has written on more than one occasion, about the effect negative comments were having on her. If only we had listened and offered support then, perhaps she wouldn’t be feeling so ostracised right now? Please show her some kindness and consideration... please try and empathise how she may be feeling...

For the record, everything R or I write is true (apart from ‘some’ of the poetry.) I’m not terribly good at story writing, but may try my hand at this in the future... If I do write about having an affair with a Martian and being taken away in a spaceship, I will make it crystal clear that it is fiction not fact!


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Missing 'R'!

At first, it was so hard for me to adjust to having ‘R’ home for five weeks. In the first week, it was hard to fully accept that my man had come home - to take up his role as lead and head of the family. Now it is incredibly hard to adjust to not having him home…

‘R’ works in the city and is only home at week-ends. This week-end, however, he has opted to stay in the city to catch up on work. He told me over the phone last night, that very little work had been done in his absence.

I will just have to accept that I cannot always benefit from the loving guidance, support and correction from my husband. We do email, text and call each other every day - but, maintaining a Loving Domestic Discipline relationship from a distance is hard...

I cannot keep anything from ‘R,’ he always knows when I’ve transgressed. He can usually tell from the guilty tone in my voice over the phone. When ‘R’ is home I find it especially difficult to keep anything from him. He instinctively knows if I’ve done something wrong and usually knows what I’ve done. Please, don’t misunderstand me, I never deliberately withhold my misbehaviours from ‘R’. It’s just that sometimes, particularly over the big things, where I know I will receive a ‘severe’ punishment spanking, that I generally need to take the time in telling him. I usually get quite scared and try and assess when it would be the best time to broach the subject. When I’m scared, I usually become very quiet, it is at these times that ‘R’ knows that I’ve done something wrong...

Journaling has become an essential every day commodity to our lifestyle. Maintaining a long distance relationship, where the HOH feels in control as ‘leader,’ ‘guide’ and ‘head’ can only realistically be done with effective communication. Journaling is my way of communicating the following: Chores which I set myself for the next day; misbehaviours; thoughts about committing an offence (my compulsive misbehaviour.) Also feelings and moods - whether I’ve maintained self-control. Every night before I go to bed, I phone ‘R’ and read out my daily entries. If I haven’t managed to finish all the chores I set myself, then ‘R’ will want to know why? If there is a good reason such as PMT cramps/migraine, or stopping everything to help a friend, or spending extra quality time with 'Z' because she needs me, then ‘R’ understands. He is certainly not tyrannical, but a very kind, loving and understanding man. Besides, he instinctively knows when I’m wangling for some ‘free-time’ away from chores.

I am feeling so very sad at the moment. In some ways, I wish the house was all covered in dust again from his sander – just to have him back!!

Monday, April 03, 2006

LDD an Effective Technique for Behaviour Modification

R and I are truly amazed, at how effective Loving Domestic Discipline (LDD) is, as a tool used for behaviour modification. We cannot articulate any clearer, that the administration of a firm spanking, is an excellent remedy against negative attitudes and/or actions.

To truly learn from my misbehaviours, R has decided to keep all punitive forms of discipline separated from our sexual activities. Only once, did we end up making love, straight after a punishment spanking. In this event, R told me under no uncertain terms, that our lovemaking did not have anything at all to do with the discipline he had just administered. I’m glad my HOH has the wisdom to do this; otherwise there would be no clear boundary, between punitive and erotic type spankings. I’m not advocating that this is the only way forward. Many couples enjoy the union and re-connection from lovemaking, straight after discipline. Many women are driven to show their thanks, by putting their men’s manhood into their mouths, as a symbol of their overwhelming appreciation - this is a very viable, beautiful and natural form of gratitude. However, from a personal perspective, for behaviour modification to be truly effective, R has decided that separating the two works best for me. The reason behind his decision corresponds to the fact, that lessons I need to learn, carry a greater impact if they are not laced with sexual pleasures.

Since I first started blogging, I have learnt (and I’m still learning) many things about our lifestyle and the LDD community at large. I have come to realise, that although there are relatively few of us who solely follow this lifestyle, to a larger or greater extent - there are many more people following different variants, within the ‘spanking’ genre. Some people focusing purely on discipline as a sexual stimulus. Other people combining spanking with BDSM, exhibitionism or voyeurism, whilst others enjoying the theatrics of role-play.

As I have journeyed through these last six months, I have become acutely aware of how my own understanding has changed and developed over time. One example of this change is my reluctance to reveal my misbehaviours and punishments. Six months ago I would have been quite happy to disclose my misbehaviours and discipline. Now, however, I feel acutely humiliated and ashamed. Perhaps, the realism of the situation, has finally bedded down? Who knows…? From now on, unless my HOH instructs that I record my misbehaviours or punishments onto our blog – I will not be doing so voluntarily… I still cringe with embarrassment at the previous posts, where I’ve had to reveal my transgressions and spanking-punishments. :(

My whole attitude towards spanking has also changed, from one of a more sexual nature (fulfilling some father/daughter ‘naughty little girl’ type fantasy) to something that is very natural and real – something, that I believe, goes deep into the very core of my womanhood. Interestingly, prior to LDD, I was always craving this father /daughter fantasy. I would think about this fantasy often, but no matter how hard R tried to fulfil my desire, he could never meet my underlying need...
In other words, the need to fulfil this fantasy would frequently come to the forefront of my mind – the same spanking fantasy would crop up time and time again…. Perhaps, you may think at this point, that this is the very nature of a fantasy…? I used to think so too, before the implementation of Loving Domestic Discipline. But, now that I have almost stopped all of my ‘bratting,’ handed all control to R and have fully engaged in LDD, I have found that my spanking fantasies have nearly completely diminished. I have found that the pure simplicity and very natural attributes of LDD have dispelled all earlier spanking ‘cravings.’ Spanking for ‘real’ and ‘justified’ misbehaviours have addressed some very deep need which I have always intensely desired, but neither R nor I had the knowledge of LDD, or wherewithal, to have these needs properly met.

Since the implementation of LDD, my most destructive misbehaviour only emerges in times of acute stress, before it could go on for weeks, unnoticed and unchecked. Keeping such a secret from my HOH, made me feel very guilty, which only accentuated my anxiety and perpetuated this compulsive misbehaviour. Loving Domestic Discipline has been extremely effective as a tool for changing both my misbehaviour and attitudes surrounding my misbehaviour. R deals with this negative behaviour ‘head on,’ by administering a punishment spanking. For such a severe offence he uses the cane – just the thought of the cane often makes me reconsider my options. I am after all in charge of my own actions and only have myself to blame for any consequences… As far as my attitudes towards this particular misbehaviour are concerned, R has helped, by administering weekly Maintenance Discipline. Regular Maintenance Discipline and also Pre-emptive Discipline, before difficult events - where I’m more than likely to engage in this type of misbehaviour, have been immensely valuable. Both Maintenance and Pre-emptive Discipline have helped in breaking the cycle of the particular attitudes which trigger this compulsive behaviour.

My moods have also changed… So many people have noticed that I’m so much calmer, happier and mellower than before. I used to be quite flighty and quick tempered. I used to jump to the wrong conclusions about situations, before carefully considering the all the facts. LDD has given me boundaries (loving limits) which surround me in protection and love. The implementation of Loving Domestic Discipline, has caused an exuberant deep sense of love and peace within our family and this ethos is felt by all who enter our home.


Sunday, April 02, 2006

Family News (April 06)

Hello dear readers, it’s wonderful to be back blogging again!

‘R,’ ‘Z’ and I have just come back from a lovely vacation in Krakow and Zakopane (Poland). Poland was Z’s choice of European places to visit. Krakow being one of Poland’s most beautiful medieval market cities, with underground vaults, ancient baroque style buildings and a castle dating back to the 1500’s. We stayed in Krakow for a few days, before heading south to the Tatra Mountains for a week of skiing, which was a lot of fun!

Some of you readers will remember that we were supposed to go to Ghana, unfortunately, this was not possible. On one hand, we were both very reluctant to leave ‘Z’ behind, in her fragile state of mind. The other deciding factor was that two weeks in West Africa, was simply not long enough. Part of the reason for our visit was for ‘R’ to do some business out there. This would not have been viable in the time available. We are planning a trip to East Africa (Kenya/ Tanzania) in September – so we will now have to add Western Africa onto the September trip. We will not be going to the Sahara – but, I suppose, looking on the bright side, the views may have become a tad monotonous after a while…. sand, sand and more sand!

Z’s News:
Our 17 yr old daughter ‘Z’ is so much happier. Our time away, seems to have revived her. It’s lovely to see her bubbly personality back. She has applied to go back to school in September and has decided to gear her A-levels towards dentistry. Before our trip, she got a job waitressing at the local hotel, which she is keen to get back to and is scheduled to see a counsellor next week.

As far as testing her for bi – polarity, I still haven’t received a letter from the hospital. We were told that the wait may take months – a prime example of the UK’s struggling NHS (National Health Service).

A’s News:
Our 20 yr old son, ‘A’ finishes the 3rd year of his degree at the end of next term, (Aero Space Engineering). Next year he must do a one year Masters in order to become a chartered engineer. Once this is completed, with any luck, he wants to work for either NASA or the European Space Agency.

We are all terribly proud of ‘A’ who has achieved a ‘first’ class in all his exams to date (which is really hard to achieve in maths and physics related subjects at this high level!) In this set of exams, his result was an overall 78% which put him ahead of all his other class mates. The really lovely thing about ‘A’ is his modesty - unlike mine ;)

It’s a great shame that ‘A’ couldn’t take the time off and join us, since he is quite an avid snowboarder. When he completes his finals, we will have to plan a long week-end away, hiking and camping in the Scottish highlands.

R & C’s News:
Poor ‘R’ works very hard and I’m pleased to say that the two week vacation has done him a lot of good!

Before our vacation, he installed a wood-burning stove into our kitchen and sanded the kitchen, scullery and pantry floor. The red (mahogany) dust from the parquet floors got quite literally everywhere… up all three flights of stairs! I ashamedly admit, that my behaviour was very disrespectful towards him. I would rather not go into details and unmask my weaknesses, but safe to say, I have learnt a big lesson about my need for a positive attitude! I’m only sorry that on top of all the DIY hassle, ‘R’ also had my negative attitude to contend with!

Before we left for our vacation I dusted the house from top to bottom and dusted the inside of all the cupboards as well (the dust got into all the drawers, cupboards and wardrobes!) We came back from vacation to find that all my previous efforts were in vain. There must have been loads of dust in the air, since it has all settled again! Aargh!!

At least I can re-tackle the dust with a more positive attitude ;)

It’s really great to be in touch with you all again!