I would like to apologise for not writing a post yesterday, when I promised that I would write twice weekly. I was finding blogger a bit tempermental last night - so I gave up and went to bed. I will of course write two more posts this week :-)
Part Three of my most destructive misbehaviour describes the many benefits I'm receiving from the judicious application of Loving Domestic Discipline:
It was thanks to the Loving Domestic Discipline website that gave me the courage to finally tell my husband that I had bulimia. When we started living the LDD lifestyle, it certainly opened the lines of communication between us. I became obliged to tell my HOH about my eating disorder.
At first R did not take the news well. He couldn’t believe that I had kept this a secret from him all through our school days and married life. He simply found it hard to accept that I was engaging in something so abhorrent. In the few days after telling my HOH, I felt very isolated, R ignored me and I regretted telling him. However, R quickly came round to accepting my admission and became 100% focused and committed in trying to help me.
We started a programme where I would receive regular weekly Maintenance Discipline to change my attitude towards this misbehaviour, and punishment spankings whenever I engaged in any bulimic activity. R deeply regretted not to be able to give me daily Maintenance, which is what I essentially needed in the early stages. But working down South only made it possible to be together at the weekends.
Since we only had the weekends at our disposal, R made sure that each and every Maintenance would be a tearful one. Although I really feared very severe spankings, we both knew that only the severity of a painful spanking would be strong enough to break my deeply entrenched pattern of misbehaviour. Punishment spankings were of the same severity as Maintenance, but with increased duration. Maintenance usually lasting about 10 minutes, whereas punishment, lasting for half an hour.
It used to be really hard for me to cry during discipline. Even the most painful spankings wouldn’t induce tears. Whilst R continued to spank this misbehaviour out of me, finally the tears came. Once I started crying during discipline I found myself in a more accepting frame of mind, which allowed me to learn and grow from my misbehaviour. Also, once I started crying, I found that almost every discipline, even the less severe ones, resulted in tears.
I remember at the beginning of one of our Maintenance schedules, R rocked me whilst I was sitting sobbing on his knee. He was holding me very tight and whispering hoarsely, “Don’t worry darling, I will fix this misbehaviour of yours, you don’t have to battle through with it on your own anymore!” I think it was at that moment when I realised that I really didn’t have to struggle with this on my own, I had tried to give up so many times previously and failed…but, at that moment, after R’s words I felt so secure and loved! It was at that moment that I knew, come hell or high water and a lot of hard work and collaboration on both parts, that I’d eventually be cured from something I always believed to be incurable!
In the beginning I found it impossibly difficult. I had never really learned to eat properly and so it wasn’t so much as eradicating my destructive misbehaviour in order to allow the previous good behaviour to shine through (like giving up smoking where there was once a time a person wasn’t a smoker.) In my case, there was no previous good behaviour – I had always had food issues throughout my whole life. So R had the challenge of not only eradicating my eating disorder, but teaching me from scratch how to eat.
Some people may think that giving up bulimia is like giving up smoking – that an eating disorder is addictive. But with bulimia there is no addiction (like with cigarettes) but a compulsion. Compulsive disorders are psychologically rooted which make them much harder to eradicate. I recently read that Geri Halliwell admitted to resorting back to bulimia in 2000 after being clear from it for 6 years! I must admit that reading such news really frightens me. R tells me not to worry – even if it takes the rest of our lives he will not give up on me. Such loving support from my HOH makes me even more determined to succeed!
I have only ever had the implementations of LDD. Unfortunately, I could not go to professional counselling which made it all the more difficult. In the UK everything is put on a person’s medical record (in very loose terms) which would then be available for any future employer to examine. By loose terms the doctor told me that I would quite simply have ‘mental health’ written on my record without any detail or explanation. Being a teacher would have seriously put my career in jeopardy. My future employer seeing the label of mental health wouldn’t want to risk any children under my care - after all I could have had some serious mental health issue, which may have caused harm to children. The National Health Service in the UK is ludicrous in this area. By protecting patient’s confidentiality by writing the bear minimum on the medical record, they are inadvertently causing teachers such as myself to go underground and resort to finding help else where. I was told by NHS Direct (a confidential medical advice service) that they have a huge influx of teachers calling them about their feelings of malaise and general feelings of depression regarding their stressful work environment. However, all they can really advise on the matter, is that to go through the system, would definitely be made apparent on their medical record. They advise that this may indeed cause complications with any future employment, schools have to be ultra careful who they employ. Where children are in question, a new teacher has to be vetted very carefully!
Many people are not lucky enough to know about the benefits of Loving Domestic Discipline and many people who do know may not be lucky enough to have such a committed HOH! Luckily without counselling and on the pure strength of the fair and firm application of disciplinary spankings, I have made remarkable progress in such a relatively short space of time!
It was about ten months ago when I first told my husband about my eating disorder. In these ten months, slow but definite progress has been made…
The first thing to change very early on was my bulimia. I am very pleased to report that I am no longer a bulimic! :-) The only times when bulimia re-emerged was after very stressful episodes such as Z cutting herself and being expelled from her boarding school. I found that after the initial shock when it was hard for me to eat anything at all, there came a big void. R went back to London, life carried on, but the problem still wasn’t resolved. It was during times like this that I would engage in bulimic activity.
In the early days I found that although my bulimia went, my binge eating didn’t. I really had no notion of what it was to eat properly and I was constantly worried that my HOH would think it all too much and give up disciplining me. In those early days I would binge eat and then exercise and starve in order to lose the weight I had just put on. R was marvelous, he developed a zero tolerance policy in this regard and punished me with equal severity for binge eating. R was relentless in helping me and my initial fears of him giving up became unjustified. However, I did find that binge eating/starving was much more difficult to resolve. Unlike the bulimia which was resolved fairly quickly, binge eating/starving took many months to gradually diminish - although the frequency did lessen considerably with each passing month!
Until quite recently I was left with the situation where I would only very occasionally overeat and diet which was considerably better than binging and starving! My diet has always been exceptionally healthy (these days I eat mostly fish, cooked vegetables and complex carbohydrates, sticking to the principles of the Japanese Okinawa diet) - but there again, ironic as it may seem, I've always been a strong advocator of a healthy diet!
The stage I am now at is a fairly recent stage…the Transformational Discipline I received for submission and acceptance regarding my HOH’s affair has actually worked on multiple levels! My Transformational Discipline has inadvertently brought me up a notch with regards to my eating disorder! When I was in Eastern Europe I had a craving for M&S Millionaire’s Shortbread (which I couldn't get overseas). Where recently I may have eaten too much of the shortbread and then dieted the next few days, instead I worked out how much I could have (in sensible proportions) and not exceed my calorific daily allowance. I am truly amazed about this! Although there is really no big deal in eating a small proportion and counting the calories, to me it is a very big step, because I have internalised
this behaviour. I wasn't consciously
setting out to only eat a small proportion and count the calories - I did it almost without thinking! I hope one day to be able to eat normally without counting calories, units of fat, or grams of carbohydrate. I really believe that I am on the road to recovery, all thanks to the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle and the hard work my HOH is putting into correcting my misbehaviours!
Since my Transformational Discipline I haven't once thought about overeating/dieting at all. Although it may still be too early to tell - I do believe that I have been transformed in terms of issues around eating. This is really great, since it is a major breakthrough regarding my eating disorder! I really wasn’t expecting my Transformational Spanking to overlap into other areas as well!
I will write about the benefits of my Transformational Discipline spanking in another post… :-)