Loving limits - Computer time

My Darling C,

I have now set you some loving limits on the use of the computer. You have quite simply got to the point where you are spending more time on the computer than anything else. This is not acceptable but I am also pleased that you are making friends by email etc.

As you know, there is a spreadsheet on your desktop that needs to be filled in every day. Here are the rules.

1. Doing chores in the house earns you time on the computer. Every minute spent on chores earns a minute of computer time
2. Because I have a preference for the chores in the marked boxes - doing those chores earns double time (to start with)
3. You may not go over 180 minutes overdrawn
4. You may request to count other chores towards computer time but this is not guaranteed. Some things are just chores to be done regardless. Here are some examples of chores that can be counted as computer time: Dog walking; Any work in the garden; Spring cleaning; Polishing brasses. Here are some that do not count as computer time: Paying bills (they just HAVE to be paid); shopping for yourself; Christmas or birthday shopping;
5. When I am home, I will review your entries and discuss any changes.
6. I expect your absolute honesty on this - no stretching of times or slacking on chores to get more computer time. I trust you on this but need to know that you understand.
7. Time spent writing notes for an email does not use up computer time but the time spent typing does.
8. All time on the computer uses up your computer time, even if it is in pursuit of a chore, such as paying a bill.
9. To encourage you to improve your typing speed, any time spent using typing tutor software does not count as computer time.

With love

R

xxx

HOH

HOH (Head of Household)

I'm ashamed to admit to our ‘old’ style of LDD. I always thought we were doing it right. But we were doing it SO wrong! Neither of us were happy as a result!

In our ‘old’ style of LDD, I (the woman) was a ‘closeted’ HOH. Oh, I pretended my husband was head. I gave him the title and he would sit at the head of the table and carve the Sunday roast, even say grace… but this is sadly, all I allowed him to do…

He was the ‘Head’ but I was the ‘Neck’ since I twisted his head in any direction I chose....! Sometimes, I would make him think that it was his idea, when it was clearly mine. Thus, covertly, leading and pushing him from behind… Other times, I would be blatant and direct. I would simply ‘tell him’ of some arrangement and what his role and expectations were. Thus, overtly, demanding that he comply… It was at these times that my husband would often feel SO patronised that we would end up having a blazing argument. “DON’T UNDERMINE ME C!” R would quite frequently shout. Undermine him??? Sadly, I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about!

I was raised by a woman being HOH. I was raised in such utter confusion since the ‘man’ of the house was a successful army General. I was constantly reminded as I grew up that a woman is like the ‘motor’ in the home. If the motor breaks down the whole house will collapse… Women from my culture are all HOH - I’ve never known anything different! I was SO angry when my husband blamed me for undermining him! I REALLY had no notion of what he was talking about! I ran the house, it was my job! I gave up the chance of having a career so that the children would benefit from my constant, direct attention and focus! They didn’t fit into my life, but I fitted into theirs! They were my number one priority! Every day, they would both have an after school activity. Flute, violin and piano lessons; Swimming lessons, ballet, tennis etc… I drove the children to work hard and be successful - to be competitive. I was raised the same way. Families like ours were ALWAYS successful!! I drew them into the world of literature. I would start them off on classics such as Jane Eyre or Rebecca from the age of about seven. I would encourage them to be critical, to analyze. We would discuss the Plot, Characters, imagery, Style, Argument, Setting and Organisation. To argue logically with reason and passion! The children would then go and write their own essay. I would encourage them to use their senses. What could they see, smell, hear, taste, feel? They learned that writing a descriptive piece was like painting a picture using words…
I once took our son to see ‘The Secret Garden’ in the cinema. “Oh, mummy, I really enjoyed that, I’ll have to read the book when I get home.” I told our son that we didn’t have the book, but I would buy it. However, our son was adamant that he saw the book on our library shelf. I didn’t pay much attention… A few weeks later our eight year old looked at me confusingly and said that he had tried to read ‘The Secret Garden’ but it was NOTHING AT ALL like the film! Whilst, cleaning his room I found the book. I held the book aghast, my blood chilled, when I saw what he had been reading: ‘My Secret Garden’ By Nancy Friday, all about women’s sexual fantasies!!

I was the leader, I organised all the children’s parties. Birthday, Christmas, Halloween, Easter. I would spend weeks organising the food, games, music and decorations. Everything was themed. Then there were all the pyjama parties and sleep-overs. Every night I would spend at least three hours preparing dinner for the family. Every week I would bake several loaves of bread. I’d make my own jam, cakes, biscuits and pastries – NOTHING absolutely NOTHING came out of a box or jar! The kitchen was my HQ I became wrought if anyone touched MY equipment! I became ‘leader’ for other women to follow. They were envious of my success in the home. Whilst they had their careers outside the home, my career was inside – charity beginning very much at home!! This is the way I was raised!!

I’m afraid my behaviour eventually spiralled out of control! It wasn’t just the children being competitive with other children. I became increasingly competitive with the other mother’s. Why was their child on grade 5 violin, whilst mine was still at grade 3?? Such competition resulted in me putting increased and unnecessary pressure on the children. Their activities were no longer fun but a chore!! Thank God they both went to boarding school. My demanding and controlling nature was beginning to suffocate them!!

Having my bottom spanked was very much my forte not R’s. I would actually control my submission to him!! First we would discuss the fine details (much to his annoyance!) Whether he was to use the settee, bed or chair? What position? What he would say? (Usually, I would want him to say, "You have been a VERY naughty little girl! You are going to GET a firmly spanked bottom!") I would then demand a lengthy but gentle hand spanking. After ALL his efforts I would frequently become REALLY moody afterwards... There would always be something that R would forget and omit. Or he simply didn’t DO it in EXACTLY the way I imagined or wanted!! Sometimes he would be exasperated and flatly refuse to spank me. I would then BRAT and BRAT and BRAT and BRAT until at last he caved in, just to get some peace!!

He had an affair 8 years ago. Reading this you probably can’t blame him!! Sorry R – I’m really sorry! We have only just got back together again intimately. We never separated as such, but slept in different rooms. When we got back together R started blogging our new DD. I hated it but didn’t have the courage to tell him. He was trying so hard to give me what he thought I needed. But without being able to articulate what I needed it was hopeless! It wasn’t until I read Lovingdd that every thing fell into place!! I actually cried when I read those articles! For the VERY first time in my life I could understand what was missing!! We have taken on this lifestyle, sticking to it rigidly!!

R and I are growing SO close as a result!! We both love our new LDD lifestyle!! We are simply amazed that the more leadership, authority and consistency R bestows on me the more I totally submit to him and visa versa. I believe, that with total submission I am displaying my UTMOST gratitude for his constant efforts to teach and correct me. To say ‘Thank you’ is not really enough... Anyone can say this. As well as verbally thanking, I believe, you should SHOW your thanks by displaying appropriate behaviour - before, during and after punishment!!

Am I pleased not to be this bogus HOH? Yes!!!
Am I pleased to hand over all leadership to him? Yes!!!
Are we closer and happier as a result? Yes!!!

Do I honour his new position as HOH? DEFINITELY!!!!!!!!!

C

My Loving Domestic Discipline Contract

My LDD Contract:

Husband, in helping me to maintain total respect, obedience, honesty and submission I have drafted up this contract between us:

1) I will never hold up the disciplinary process by arguing the justification of my punishment spankings. Whether just/unjust I will receive and graciously accept.

2) I will never procrastinate and try and stall the disciplinary process.

3) I will never refuse the disciplinary process as I have done in the past by telling you I have a migraine, period pain or feel generally unwell.

4) I will never brat you into spanking me.

5) I will never remind you to punish me if you so happen to forget. (But will journal this forgetfulness and my feelings associated with it.)

6) I will never cover up my bottom with my hands or buck with my feet to try and stop the flow of your loving correction.

7) I will never plead for you to stop spanking me; tell you how much it hurts, or how sorry I am in the hope of you stopping - unless you request it I won't say anything at all.

8) I will be respectful at all times during the disciplinary process – if it really hurts I will bite my lip, or hold a pillow to my face. After all "Discipline is meant to hurt, but never harm."

9) I will always keep my position.

10) I will always apologise to you before my discipline.

11) I will always thank you after my discipline.

12) I will always describe what I have learnt after my discipline and I will listen to your leadership and advice in how to resolve my bad behaviour. I will offer you strategies and we will discuss how I will try to maintain my desired behaviour.

13) I will always call you "Sir" during my discipline.

14) I will always keep my journal up to date – where I will concentrate on the 3 D’s (Disobedience, Disrespect, Dishonesty) and also record my punishment spankings.

15) I will always present you with my journal on Saturday so that you can assess whether I need punishing separately or jointly with my Maintenance Discipline on Sunday.

16) I will set up a graph (with your help:-) using Excel to record the frequency of my most serious offence. This will be in order to hopefully see a decline and eventual eradication in this extremely dangerous misbehaviour.

17) If I feel compulsion to engage in my most serious and dangerous offence then I will ALWAYS talk with you on the phone so that I can feel the full benefit of your support.

I hope you found my tone respectful and not demanding. I’m trying SO hard to be a good girl.

With love always,

C xx

Artist: Paula Russell

R - On Leadership

Why do some people show strong leadership in one part of their lives and not others? For example a military leader may be dominated in retirement by his wife or a successful manager may not take those skills into the home, even though they would clearly be useful. These leadership skills are the recipe for success in most situations and are associated with the primeval hunter but they can come at a high cost. I believe there are two principal reasons why they may not be shown in all scenarios, even among natural leaders. Firstly, the leader may not have the energy required to maintain both areas simultaneously. Secondly, they may not have the skills required to succeed in the other domain. The apparent lack of commitment that this shows can be damaging to domestic relationships, especially where greatness has been demonstrated elsewhere.

Lack of energy. Only the most aggressive control freak would find it necessary to lead or dominate all aspects of their lives. A more balanced leader is much more likely to abdicate certain areas of control to others when it suits them. After all, it is a time consuming and high risk strategy to try to be in control over everything. Where the stakes are low, the leader may simply allow a situation to continue unchecked. If a person is highly focussed on success, such as in a military campaign, isn't it unsurprising to discover that they do not put all of the same energies into their domestic lives? However, there is a risk that this gets out of hand and the action required to turn a situation round is suddenly much greater than anticipated.

Lack of skills. This is less obvious because most natural leaders do have the ability to gain skills necessary for success as part of their natural leadership qualities. Not many people have the skills necessary to get a team through a survival scenario and fewer still the mental fortitude to keep going despite all odds but those who anticipate such an event may choose to gain those skills, thereby making them natural leaders in such a scenario. So why not choose to acquire the skills necessary to maintain a harmonious domestic relationship?

It is possible (but unusual) that the leader is so far out of his depth that they cannot acquire skills. After all, a military or high performance business role is normally male oriented, where subordinates are relatively easy to understand and the rules of engagement clearly defined. Not all marriages are blessed with such clarity and not all leaders have to understand the complexities of feminine emotions. Is this the fault of the HOH for not defining the rules of engagement? Possibly but don't forget that the HOH needs clear rules himself to work towards - the kind that are offered by Loving Domestic Discipline but not necessarily found in time. The primeval hunter skills don't help within the household unless they are carefully applied, which, as already discussed requires energy and new skills. Perhaps the hunter has bigger issues to deal with. After all, as long as any indiscipline remains within the confines of the house, it does not expose the family unit to external threats. This is a risky strategy, however.

Finally it is important to note that not all successful leadership is male dominated or associated with primeval hunting instincts. The more cooperative side to leadership is also important, including in an LDD relationship, it is just that this article attempts to explain one particular apparent contradiction of the strong leader but weak HOH.

R