Away Again! :-(

Dear readers,

I will be out of town for a week or so. I’m really sorry about this, I feel as if I’ve only just got back… :-(

It’s the summer break and it’s mayhem here…there is so much to do, people to visit, etc… I hope you can forgive me?

I’ll be back as soon as I can.

~C~

~Benefits from my Transformational Spanking~

Dear readers,

It is now just over a month since my Transformational Discipline and yes, I have been transformed in so many different ways. I was given an almighty spanking over a month ago, in order to put me back in touch with my submission to my man.

I have actually been transformed on many different levels. My eating disorder which is my biggest misbehaviour, has significantly improved. I'm no longer so anxious about what I eat, I no longer consider every morsel eaten as such a big deal. There have also been significant improvements concerning other smaller issues such as organisation and time management. But by far my biggest improvement, is my submission to R. I have discovered a new increased awareness, which is keeping me in a submissive state for longer… I have discovered that even when my man isn’t physically with me, I am immersed in a state of total belonging and surrender. I have discovered that I’m more in tune with his wishes - that I have become more respectful and obedient to my HOH’s authority.

For two weeks straight after my Transformational Discipline, I was in Eastern Europe. The time apart was well spent, since it gave me a chance to really examine my misbehaviours and see a clear path to setting them straight. R texted me before I travelled back home and instructed me to both show and prove my submission to him. I was a little concerned about this, although I felt very much in tune with my femininity and submission, I didn’t really know what R wanted in terms of proof?

Straight from the airport we went to a restaurant. I was tired and made a trivial, but nevertheless thoughtless comment. R told me off for my thoughtless misbehaviour and I started crying - I've never really cried in a public place before and was quite embarrassed. R’s scolding was really very mild, but my submissive awareness being more heightened, penetrated deeply and hurt. I was acutely aware that my disrespectful remark had displeased my HOH. This awareness of displeasing, had the effect of making me feel a deep dread, which made me physically hurt all over. R, however, looked pleased, “Don’t cry darling, I told you to prove your submission to me and you're doing it right now. Good girl!”

My Transformational Discipline, has not only had a profound affect on me, but R has been affected too. My HOH is certainly a lot stricter since his administration of such a discipline. This is a classic example of how submission and authority flow in a synergistic relationship with each other – the more submissive I am, the more authoritative my HOH and vice versa. R is now requiring me to write in my journal twice daily (previously I only had to write once.) Every morning I must make lists of duties and in the evening tick them off and give explanations why a certain chore was not met. This is in addition to recording any misbehaviours which may occur, feelings associated with the misbehaviour and any punishment R said he will administer. As well as any "good girl" extras I've carried out to make my HOH extra pleased with me.

Another example of R’s strictness, manifested itself last weekend. We were both out walking when I dropped my new cell phone. Before I could stop myself, the word sh*t came out as I examined the scratched corners on my brand new phone. R loathes profanities of any description, claiming that it shows a complete lack of respect to the self and to whoever else is in earshot, luckily I seldom use words such as this and never anything stronger. However, on this occasion the word just sort of slipped out… R grabbed my arm and marched me to a secluded spot where he spanked me hard for my total lack of composure. Thankfully, he did not administer this spanking on my bare bottom like he usually does. My spanking was to serve more as a "warning" rather than punishment, to remain sweetly feminine and submissive at all times, despite life’s unexpected mishaps!

I hope I haven’t alarmed any of my dear readers. Spanking out of doors may not be the standard Loving Domestic Discipline practise, but it definitely isn't just something kinky and it certainly works for us. My HOH seldom uses such disciplinary methods. I believe I’ve only been disciplined like this about eight or nine times in the whole course of our marriage. My husband will only ever implement such discipline, when I have taken leave of my senses and lost control. I have a wild Eastern European temper, which seldom gets out, but when it does (whether we are out of doors or not) there is absolutely no stopping me! The last serious bare bottomed spanking my man administered outside, was over our daughter’s problems, when she engaged in self harm and got expelled from school. On the way to Z's school I had completely lost all control, blaming my man for her unbalanced psychological state! Blaming his affair and telling him that I was leaving him! If my HOH hadn’t taken action quickly, then I would have been too wrapped up in my own anger and the argument would have continued for hours.... I certainly would not have been able to offer the immediate strength, nurture and support that Z needed!

The fact that I was spanked outside for a relatively minor offence, clearly demonstrates that my HOH has upped the ante when it comes to how he expects me to behave. My Transformational spanking has had very clear benefits in eradicating many of my previous misbehaviours. Since my Transformational spanking, I have definitely been transformed into a more submissive, obedient, peaceful, respectful, loving and attentive wife!!

~C~

Almost three months until our LDD social gathering!

Dear readers,

Well, doesn’t time fly? In almost three months we will finally get to meet each other at our social gathering! SnN and I will do our very best to sort out our venue by late August. If this proves too difficult, then it will be early to mid October at the latest. I will be away for the whole of September in Africa, so it will be difficult to get anything organised in September and SnN is away on a cruise in mid October. It is therefore imperative that we don't miss our window of opportunity!

We have filed everyone’s details and will be in touch. :-)

I’m really very excited!! Just think this will be our first ever Loving Domestic Discipline get together – a very momentous occasion indeed!

We still need suggestions on what topics you all want to discuss? One topic which I think may be a good idea, is the whole area of submission, respect, leadership and authority. Those women who are going to the Surrendered Wife workshop in the afternoon will have already gained much wisdom in this area. It will, therefore, be nice to share our experience of the workshop, with those who were unable to make it.

If anyone wants to give a presentation on any LDD related topic, then please be our guest! This is your social event and it would be great to make it as interactive as possible.

Thank you to all who have contacted SnN or myself regarding the social evening. We have had a good response, but still have room for more – so please remember to keep your emails coming in! There are also plenty places left for any women interested in the Surrendered Wife workshop…

I’m really excited about meeting so many of you who are living the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle!

~C~

My Most Destructive Misbehaviour – Part Three

Dear readers,

I would like to apologise for not writing a post yesterday, when I promised that I would write twice weekly. I was finding blogger a bit tempermental last night - so I gave up and went to bed. I will of course write two more posts this week :-)

Part Three of my most destructive misbehaviour describes the many benefits I'm receiving from the judicious application of Loving Domestic Discipline:

It was thanks to the Loving Domestic Discipline website that gave me the courage to finally tell my husband that I had bulimia. When we started living the LDD lifestyle, it certainly opened the lines of communication between us. I became obliged to tell my HOH about my eating disorder.

At first R did not take the news well. He couldn’t believe that I had kept this a secret from him all through our school days and married life. He simply found it hard to accept that I was engaging in something so abhorrent. In the few days after telling my HOH, I felt very isolated, R ignored me and I regretted telling him. However, R quickly came round to accepting my admission and became 100% focused and committed in trying to help me.

We started a programme where I would receive regular weekly Maintenance Discipline to change my attitude towards this misbehaviour, and punishment spankings whenever I engaged in any bulimic activity. R deeply regretted not to be able to give me daily Maintenance, which is what I essentially needed in the early stages. But working down South only made it possible to be together at the weekends.

Since we only had the weekends at our disposal, R made sure that each and every Maintenance would be a tearful one. Although I really feared very severe spankings, we both knew that only the severity of a painful spanking would be strong enough to break my deeply entrenched pattern of misbehaviour. Punishment spankings were of the same severity as Maintenance, but with increased duration. Maintenance usually lasting about 10 minutes, whereas punishment, lasting for half an hour.

It used to be really hard for me to cry during discipline. Even the most painful spankings wouldn’t induce tears. Whilst R continued to spank this misbehaviour out of me, finally the tears came. Once I started crying during discipline I found myself in a more accepting frame of mind, which allowed me to learn and grow from my misbehaviour. Also, once I started crying, I found that almost every discipline, even the less severe ones, resulted in tears.

I remember at the beginning of one of our Maintenance schedules, R rocked me whilst I was sitting sobbing on his knee. He was holding me very tight and whispering hoarsely, “Don’t worry darling, I will fix this misbehaviour of yours, you don’t have to battle through with it on your own anymore!” I think it was at that moment when I realised that I really didn’t have to struggle with this on my own, I had tried to give up so many times previously and failed…but, at that moment, after R’s words I felt so secure and loved! It was at that moment that I knew, come hell or high water and a lot of hard work and collaboration on both parts, that I’d eventually be cured from something I always believed to be incurable!

In the beginning I found it impossibly difficult. I had never really learned to eat properly and so it wasn’t so much as eradicating my destructive misbehaviour in order to allow the previous good behaviour to shine through (like giving up smoking where there was once a time a person wasn’t a smoker.) In my case, there was no previous good behaviour – I had always had food issues throughout my whole life. So R had the challenge of not only eradicating my eating disorder, but teaching me from scratch how to eat.

Some people may think that giving up bulimia is like giving up smoking – that an eating disorder is addictive. But with bulimia there is no addiction (like with cigarettes) but a compulsion. Compulsive disorders are psychologically rooted which make them much harder to eradicate. I recently read that Geri Halliwell admitted to resorting back to bulimia in 2000 after being clear from it for 6 years! I must admit that reading such news really frightens me. R tells me not to worry – even if it takes the rest of our lives he will not give up on me. Such loving support from my HOH makes me even more determined to succeed!

I have only ever had the implementations of LDD. Unfortunately, I could not go to professional counselling which made it all the more difficult. In the UK everything is put on a person’s medical record (in very loose terms) which would then be available for any future employer to examine. By loose terms the doctor told me that I would quite simply have ‘mental health’ written on my record without any detail or explanation. Being a teacher would have seriously put my career in jeopardy. My future employer seeing the label of mental health wouldn’t want to risk any children under my care - after all I could have had some serious mental health issue, which may have caused harm to children. The National Health Service in the UK is ludicrous in this area. By protecting patient’s confidentiality by writing the bear minimum on the medical record, they are inadvertently causing teachers such as myself to go underground and resort to finding help else where. I was told by NHS Direct (a confidential medical advice service) that they have a huge influx of teachers calling them about their feelings of malaise and general feelings of depression regarding their stressful work environment. However, all they can really advise on the matter, is that to go through the system, would definitely be made apparent on their medical record. They advise that this may indeed cause complications with any future employment, schools have to be ultra careful who they employ. Where children are in question, a new teacher has to be vetted very carefully!

Many people are not lucky enough to know about the benefits of Loving Domestic Discipline and many people who do know may not be lucky enough to have such a committed HOH! Luckily without counselling and on the pure strength of the fair and firm application of disciplinary spankings, I have made remarkable progress in such a relatively short space of time!

It was about ten months ago when I first told my husband about my eating disorder. In these ten months, slow but definite progress has been made…

The first thing to change very early on was my bulimia. I am very pleased to report that I am no longer a bulimic! :-) The only times when bulimia re-emerged was after very stressful episodes such as Z cutting herself and being expelled from her boarding school. I found that after the initial shock when it was hard for me to eat anything at all, there came a big void. R went back to London, life carried on, but the problem still wasn’t resolved. It was during times like this that I would engage in bulimic activity.

In the early days I found that although my bulimia went, my binge eating didn’t. I really had no notion of what it was to eat properly and I was constantly worried that my HOH would think it all too much and give up disciplining me. In those early days I would binge eat and then exercise and starve in order to lose the weight I had just put on. R was marvelous, he developed a zero tolerance policy in this regard and punished me with equal severity for binge eating. R was relentless in helping me and my initial fears of him giving up became unjustified. However, I did find that binge eating/starving was much more difficult to resolve. Unlike the bulimia which was resolved fairly quickly, binge eating/starving took many months to gradually diminish - although the frequency did lessen considerably with each passing month!

Until quite recently I was left with the situation where I would only very occasionally overeat and diet which was considerably better than binging and starving! My diet has always been exceptionally healthy (these days I eat mostly fish, cooked vegetables and complex carbohydrates, sticking to the principles of the Japanese Okinawa diet) - but there again, ironic as it may seem, I've always been a strong advocator of a healthy diet!

The stage I am now at is a fairly recent stage…the Transformational Discipline I received for submission and acceptance regarding my HOH’s affair has actually worked on multiple levels! My Transformational Discipline has inadvertently brought me up a notch with regards to my eating disorder! When I was in Eastern Europe I had a craving for M&S Millionaire’s Shortbread (which I couldn't get overseas). Where recently I may have eaten too much of the shortbread and then dieted the next few days, instead I worked out how much I could have (in sensible proportions) and not exceed my calorific daily allowance. I am truly amazed about this! Although there is really no big deal in eating a small proportion and counting the calories, to me it is a very big step, because I have internalised this behaviour. I wasn't consciously setting out to only eat a small proportion and count the calories - I did it almost without thinking! I hope one day to be able to eat normally without counting calories, units of fat, or grams of carbohydrate. I really believe that I am on the road to recovery, all thanks to the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle and the hard work my HOH is putting into correcting my misbehaviours!

Since my Transformational Discipline I haven't once thought about overeating/dieting at all. Although it may still be too early to tell - I do believe that I have been transformed in terms of issues around eating. This is really great, since it is a major breakthrough regarding my eating disorder! I really wasn’t expecting my Transformational Spanking to overlap into other areas as well!

I will write about the benefits of my Transformational Discipline spanking in another post… :-)


~C~

My Most Destructive Misbehaviour – Part Two

My most destructive misbehaviour is an eating disorder which stems from early childhood. Issues around food certainly manifested themselves since my earliest recollections….

My grandfather, being a well known Army General had many people visiting who would share meals with us. Our front door would never close. Once, when I was a small child, I rudely told a group of very important delegates that they had no business being here, since they had already had dinner with us the night before!

Meal times were always regimented and on the hour. There was never any question of missing a meal or not arriving to the table on time. Meals were always in the dinning room apart from afternoon tea which was sometimes at the table, or sometimes served in the sitting room or garden. Every meal was sacrosanct - I was never allowed to go and eat at a friend’s house. My duty was to sit at the table with the rest of the family. As a young child it became very laborious sitting at the table for long periods listening to adult (usually political) conversation about the state of affairs in our Eastern European country. Sometimes I was allowed down from the table, but sometimes I had to stay for the whole duration.

When my grandparent’s weren’t cooking they were shopping for fresh ingredients. Taking their time to smell, sample and touch the freshness of what they were about to buy. When they weren’t shopping they would be talking about food and planning meals for the next couple of days. Their whole lives seemed to revolve around cooking!

Lunch and dinner consisted of 3 courses. I would have been more than satisfied to have only had soup for lunch, but I had to have the main course and desert as well! From early on I developed various techniques, such as pouring half of my soup back into the tureen when no one was looking and hiding food in my serviette, then putting the serviette up my sleeve and emptying the contents at the bottom of the garden. Refusing food at the table would have been more than my life was worth!

Breakfast was the only meal which wasn’t ritualised. Once I was old enough to make my own breakfast, I would pretend to have eaten, by placing a small amount of cereal and milk in my bowl and spreading it around. My grandmother always interrogated me on what I had eaten and I lied, telling her that I had a huge breakfast. She was always suspicious but just let the matter be. As a very young child I remember often being sick after breakfast. My grandmother knew I disliked porridge, hot milk and prunes, yet every breakfast this was what I had to endure – simply because she said it was good for me! The rush of being hurried off to kindergarten or school coupled with the disgusting sticky gloop of the porridge and hot milk inside me made me bring it all up. I remember my grandmother getting really irate, telling me that if I ever vomited again, she would make me eat my sick up of the floor! Of course, she never actually made me do this, but the threat was there and my grandmother was really most formidable when she was angry!

My grandmother hardly ate anything herself and was very self disciplined when it came to looking after herself. She wasn’t Anorexic/ bulimic but she certainly had some issues around food. She had a fairly large breakfast, a glass of soured milk for lunch which she cultured herself and nothing at all after that. Once a week she had a fruit day when she would eat nothing but fruit. Apart from eating very little she derived great pleasure from feeding other people. R made the mistake in refusing seconds once to which my grandmother looked mortally offended saying in her broken Eastern European accent, “You DON’T like?” R learned not to argue with my grandmother, instead he put everything on my plate so that I could do the old serviette trick.

Actually, it’s part of my culture (especially regarding my grandmother’s generation) to never accept ‘no’ as an answer. My grandmother would frequently pile her guest’s plates with food and not listen to their protests at all. One time after piling R’s plate for the umpteen time R started being more forceful. “But you MUST eat,” My grandmother said, “You need your strength because you're driving!” (R was driving us back home that night.) This statement of hers has remained a private joke between R and myself ever since!

My grandmother used to take a large number of vitamins a day which also included slimming pills and diuretics. The fact that she took slimming pills makes me seriously suspect that she had some kind of eating problem herself. Taking diuretics was just plain foolish, if not dangerous, since they only remove any excess water from your body not fat! When she became old her housekeeper had to hide all her vitamins and other pills since she just wasn’t absorbing them into her system. She had to be operated on a stomach ulcer since the pills were not being properly digested. I can still see her to this day searching the credence for her missing pills crying and cursing the housekeeper for stealing her pills!

The one thing my grandmother was totally obsessed by was exercise. She went to the gym twice weekly where she would spend all afternoon. She had a bar installed above her bedroom door and would swing on it doing pull-ups every morning and evening. In the very early morning she would stand in the hallway completely naked and would brush her body down with a stiff brush claiming it was good for circulation (which it is) and then proceed with her exercises. Apart from swinging on the bar she lifted weights and did daily press-ups, all of which she did in the nude. She was certainly very much enamoured by her body and was one of the vainest women I’ve ever met!

When I was seven years of age I was sent to boarding school in the South of England (much to my relief!) The food at my prep school was quite frankly inedible. I survived on food parcels from home and the school tuck shop. I went hungry and actually enjoyed the sensation – not so much the sensation of hunger, but the sensation of finally having control over my own body!

My earliest recollections are just a very skeletal outline of some of the difficulties surrounding and influencing me whilst I was growing up. Events in my early childhood certainly go some way to suggest reasons why I developed an eating disorder. I also believe my grandmother had some food related issues which may have indirectly triggered my own eating disorder.

The totally amazing thing about Loving Domestic Discipline which I will discuss in my next post, is that it is so effective in eradicating something which I’ve had all my conscious life. I never thought in my wildest dreams, that I would be cured from something I've always had. Something that had unfortunately become such an integral part of who I am - a bulimic. Loving Domestic Discipline is slowly teaching me from scratch how to eat - since it's something I've never really known how to do. Although I still have a long way to go, thanks to LDD I can now definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! :-)

~C~

My Most Destructive Misbehaviour - Part One

Dear readers,

My most destructive misbehaviour is an eating disorder. I’ve been anorexic/bulimic since I was 15 years old, but have had an eating disorder since I was a very young child.

Before my transformational spanking, I wavered about whether I should confess my eating disorder on the blog. However, since my very severe spanking and in a very short space of time, my confidence has grown. I now realise that to share my difficulties with you, will help me place everything into context. Opening out, will help me realise that I’m not alone with my struggles…

In order to show how beneficial Loving Domestic Discipline has been in helping to eradicate my eating disorder, I will first have to move away from Loving Domestic Discipline and outline some of the early triggers, which have moulded my life so far. Therefore, the past will need to be clarified first, before I can talk about the merits of LDD. To understand some of the depth surrounding my eating disorder I have decided to write three posts. Part One will talk about the history of how my anorexia/bulimia began. Part Two will discuss early childhood problems around food and psychological triggers leading to anorexia/bulimia. Part Three will look at the present and will marvel at how Loving Domestic discipline has made a huge difference in solving what I always believed to be unsolvable.

How My Anorexia Began:

I was anorexic before I became bulimic. I believe that everyone has a purpose to become something in life. My purpose, obsession and driving passion was to be a ballet dancer. I loved all kinds of dancing and took Scottish Country, Latin-American, Ballroom and Tap, but Ballet was my one true love. By the time I was 12 years of age Madame (my ballet teacher) wanted me to audition for the Royal Ballet. She wrote countless letters to my grandmother, telling her that a talent like mine was hard to come by. But my grandmother wanted me to take up a more academic pursuit and declared that she wasn’t wasting all her money on expensive boarding school fees, for me to end up as a pauper in the corps de ballet. I realised that in order to succeed I would have to work extra hard and at the age of fourteen I auditioned for the Royal Academy without my grandmother knowing. The Royal Academy was not as prestigious as the Royal Ballet, but it was a ballet school with a proper academic curriculum attached to it. I certainly wasn’t expecting to pass the audition! When they said they would take me on I had to explain that I would only be available to attend during the school vacation time since I went to boarding school in a different city. They agreed and so my life with the Royal Academy began.

Every vacation I danced with the Royal Academy and soon we were paired into practice partners to dance pas de duex. At first everything was fine, but one vacation my partner jokingly said that I must have put on weight since the last time we met, because he’s finding it hard to lift me on the higher lifts. Such an innocent off the cuff remark triggered my anorexia. I stopped eating overnight and became obsessed with my weight, weighing myself 4 or 5 times a day.



Anorexia hurt my tummy; I drank copious amounts of water and would eat raw carrots or a cucumber a day with some Ryvita, trying to stick to between 200 - 300 cals a day. Going to boarding school helped, no one seemed to pay that much attention to what was/wasn’t eaten. Although the initial stages of anorexia hurt, there came a turning point where I felt elated, deeply happy and could dance with such force, gust and energy. This feeling of elation didn’t last long; pretty soon I would start feeling really tired and moody. I was very lethargic and lacked energy just to walk around. At the point of starvation, I would binge eat and then use laxatives to purge myself. I was always trying to get back to the original buzz of adrenalin, I had previously felt. This adrenalin was really great, even now 24 years later I remember that feeling of tremendous elation. If I ever hear anorexics speak about this feeling, I know exactly what they are talking about!

I became very weak and Madame was always shouting at me to work harder. In the end, I lost my temper with her and she threw me out of her class. My concentration plummeted and I started misbehaving, missing preps and did scarcely any work at all. The final straw came, when I climbed onto the school roof in the middle of the night as a dare, to practise my Grand Jeté en arabesque in the moonlight (which I thought was extremely romantic!) I was caught by the Head Mistress who expelled me from school.

How My Bulimia Began:

In my new school I made friend’s with this girl who was just as obsessed with her weight as I was. She and I began to compete with each other about who could eat the least. Again, being at a boarding school no one really monitored how much was or wasn’t eaten. The prefects at the head of the table knew, but they were just kids themselves and it certainly wasn’t their position to tell tales on anyone.

I started my first serious relationship with ‘I’ who was one of the most influential guys at the school and I wanted to look super skinny for him. It was during this time that I discovered bulimia. I only engaged in this kind of behaviour once or twice (being scared of discovery) and started doing it regularly a few years later, after I had married and had my first child.

My relationship with ‘I’ ran hot and cold and I found myself going out with ‘R.’ The turmoil between ‘I’ and ‘R’ made me feel very insecure which increased the pressure of trying to be the most perfect and flawless looking girl.

I moved to Florida and found that the heat and the wearing of skimpy shorts and bikinis made me even more conscious of what I ate. My father and I ate out a lot at restaurants where I would spend ages cutting up the food on my plate and then hide the little pieces under the french fries etc, only eating the vegetables. My father never suspected anything and thought I was just a picky eater.

Once married to ‘R’ and back in the UK, I continued with anorexia. The first job R did was to join the Army as a trainee officer. R left me at home with a small toddler. I was about 20 years of age, completely on my own and isolated in a small village, I started engaging in bulimia as frequently as four times a day…

Being a bulimic became my great secret. I remember congratulating myself on its discovery thinking, “Now I really can have my cake and eat it!” My bulimia became an obsession. I always knew it was harmful and always thought I could stop whenever I chose. The trouble was, I couldn’t stop and each time I engaged in bulimia, I found myself saying that it would be for the last time – but it never was. I was actually really disgusted and deeply ashamed of myself!

Reading back through our earliest blog posts, is quite interesting. R didn’t know anything about my eating disorder at that time; the only visible symptom he could see was that I was frequently tired and sleeping a lot, my body being starved of all the essential minerals and nutrients. Our first posts make many references to my frequent sleeping habits. Although I knew a lot about nutrition and took all the essential vitamins my body needed, it didn’t stop me being tired after long periods of bulimic activity. R now knows that signs such as being excessively over tired, or keeping my finger nail short on my right index finger (whilst all my other finger nails are long) are clear indications of bulimia.

This is just a very brief out line into what triggered the onset of my eating disorder. In my next post I will explore my early childhood difficulties around food.


~C~

Arrived Back

Dear readers,

I arrived back home a couple of hours ago and must say it’s great being back! These last two weeks seem to have really dragged by. I’ve really missed visiting other people’s sites and writing on my own site. Once I catch up on all my emails within the next day or two, I’ll write a post about my most destructive misbehaviour. I'll write about how LDD has benefited me and how it is helping me overcome such problems.

All my very best,
~C~