Sunday, February 26, 2006

No Computer Time

Dear readers,

I'm sorry, but I will not be able to respond to any posts until this time next week.
Instead of writing my essay, (from yesterdays punishment),I spent the time writing a post for our blog, down loading music and writing emails. R was not impressed by the quality of his essay and checked the computer history to see how much work I had been doing.

Very sorry.


Family News (Feb 06)

From now on, each month we are going to update any previously mentioned issues. This way, all loose ends will hopefully be tied, as you will be kept informed of how each and every situation is unfolding and resolving itself.

Since Christmas our lives have been in turmoil, due to my daughters cutting and subsequent expulsion from school. Many of you kind readers have offered inordinate amounts of support, which has been of an immense help! I really cannot thank you enough! With R working away and coming home weekly, (sometimes x2 weeks), my life isn’t always easy. Blogging our family problems within the confines of this ‘virtual’ and ‘anonymous’ space, is a relatively easy and effective way of reaching out. Telling our neighbours is not. Unfortunately neighbourly gossip spreads like wildfire! The same applies to extended family, where (in my family at least) there is often competition on how brilliantly the children achieve. Any deviation from this is due to bad parenting, in their considered opinion!

Z’s news:

Z is very up and down with her emotions. She recently spent about 3 weeks in bed with very deep depression - although presently, she seems very light and happy! She isn’t generally very tactile, but recently I’ve been getting lots of hugs and kisses from her. I have spoken to my mother’s psychiatrist about my daughter’s volatility and he thinks that she may be demonstrating early signs of Bi-polarity. Since Bi-polarity is hereditary and since both my mother and great Aunt are suffering from it, the chance of it being normal adolescent behaviour is looking rather bleak.

R’s news:

R has started his 5 week vacation. Yesterday, (his birthday), we were supposed to have been flying off on our vacation to Africa, but due to all the family upheavals this has not been possible. We are still going, but not until next month and five weeks in Africa has now been shortened to two. We will probably stay in one country (Ghana) and there will of course be no time in which to see the Sahara. Oh, well… c’est la vie! The beauty of life is its unpredictability and the challenge is how we deal with life’s problems.

C’s news:

I can’t pretend how bitterly disappointed I am about not being in Africa right now. I woke up this morning to the grey miserable English sky, whereas, I should have been under the blistering hot Ghanaian sky. Instead, R and I are spending our ‘vacation’ time at home doing loads of DIY. R will be putting a wood-burning stove into our kitchen and also sanding the parquet flooring. Such jobs will create terrible dust which will spread through the whole house. I will be keeping on top of the chores plus decorating the house from top to bottom. We need to get the house ready so that we can put it on the market. We MUST leave this country soon since the CSA are financially crippling us. Approx $1000 per month is going in support of a woman and child we don’t even know – nor ever wish to!

My behaviour has not been on top form. I allowed my journal to slip and have started engaging in my most destructive misbehaviour. Prior to the problems with Z, LDD was really working as a disciplinary method to eradicate this dangerous addiction. Now I seem to have slipped backwards…. At least I now understand that there is a strong correlation between stress and this destructive behaviour. So, yes, I was caned quite severely on R’s birthday. R really wants me to stop, so has stepped up the ante concerning this issue. He tells me quite emphatically, that if I do this one more time, I will have to blog what my destructive misbehaviour is, on both our blog and Lovingdd’s punishment book! R also wants me to openly write more about my punishments… for some reason I’m finding this increasingly more difficult to do.
I just feel really embarrassed, but perhaps a little humiliation will be useful in driving the message home so that my behaviour can really change for the better?

Saturday, February 25, 2006


Today is my darling hubby’s birthday.
For his birthday, I am blogging one of the first pieces of love poetry I wrote for him. It may be a tad naive but I was only 18years old when I wrote it.
The Love and emotions behind the words exist now as they did then...


You licked away my wounds of doubt,
That embedded my heart with scars of pain.
The promise you made is full of hope,
That flourishes in the evening rain,
That blossoms in the sunlight’s ray.
Transfixed the snowy pearl drops glitter,
With everlasting storms and gales.
My love for you survives the bitter,
Of life’s anguish and dismay.

Oh darling, with your love, so strong,
That pours into every crevasse of my heart,
Like a lark’s sweet voice flowing, full of song,
As the evening mist rolls into dark.
With you my love, I’m not afraid,
Of life’s tormented profiled gaze.
Our body and souls have come adjoined,
To face life’s iniquity and pain.

But what pain could thou enhance upon my soul?
With your love I see the world through different eyes,
Like a gentle breeze, rippling the waters by.
I’m not worthy of your love, so pure and deep,
But so grateful for forgiveness, within my sins I weep.
I pray to God, to cleanse my worthless soul,
So that the fires of hell, shan’t prevail against my role,
Of being a pure innocent red rose,
That stands for love and love alone.

But, no thorn shall ever pierce thee my love,
No blood from you shall ever pour.
I sacrifice myself unto thee,
Even if I die for thee....
“Let bygones be, my soul’s now pure as the whitest dove.”
Only love.... Whisper to me darling, hold me close,
Whisper words of love....

My sins are not upon me, anymore to stay,
The demons of doubt, have ventured far away.
If I ever die before you,
I shall eternally await, In submission, I bow.
For our love to continue....
In everlasting love, I vow.


Thursday, February 16, 2006

An Essay - Should We Tell the Children About Our LDD Lifestyle?

Yesterday, I was emailed by a lady called Jean Gorski, who often writes for Bethany's Woodshed and Spanking Castle. Jean raised this very important question pertaining to whether children should be made fully aware of their parents' Loving Domestic Discipline (LDD) lifestyle. I say that this question is important since I’ve heard the same issues being raised on other sites. Thank you for bringing it to our attention Jean. The very nature of this question does pose rather sensitive issues, especially regarding the 'sexual' connotations of LDD. I shall, therefore, try to answer it as carefully and sympathetically as possible.

There is something very wholesome, innocent and natural about Loving Domestic Discipline. So natural, that from a personal, or communal (LDD) perspective it seems perfectly fine to tell the children.
LDD is natural, so much so, that it is sometimes easy to forget, that it is generally considered, a taboo area within the public spectrum. The reasons for its misconceptions are, its apparent lack of political correctness and its confusion with BDSM and other spanking enclaves - to name but a few. There is nothing at all wrong with BDSM, or other forms of spanking. I am simply trying to stress, that such practises, pivot around sexual matters, which under 18’s must be kept away from (by law), as opposed to LDD, which is not really sexual in its nature at all - (although society does deem it as such!)

LDD is not overtly sexual, but is covertly sexual. When you strip LDD down to its core, you will find that it is broadly an interplay of both masculine and feminine energies. Thus, there is sexuality there, but it is more of a 'hidden' sexuality, which embraces those very strong masculine and feminine vibes. Some people (not all) may experience 'arousal' during disciplinary spankings. Sometimes, people can be attuned to this 'heightened' awareness, by tapping into these energies. Such feelings of arousal, before/during/after punitive or disciplinary spankings, are a classic example of LDD's covertly sexual and vibrant nature. When considering this 'vibrancy,' people who have received this kind of discipline, are only too aware of the profound 'electrical' male/female energy. This energy is encompassed within the synergistic process of shame, humiliation, scolding, CT, reflection, spanking, tears, contrition, repentance and forgiveness. If the 'loving' energies were not at play between the man and his woman then the whole experience would not be so profound. Some girls, may have experienced punitive forms of discipline by school masters who have no love for the punishee. Such punishment is only effective in terms of its pain and shame. However, those very deep and profound feelings based on the interplay of masculine and feminine energies, can only be experienced by the synergistic process of harmonising all the disciplinary aspects together. This is then facilitated through to catharsis and surrender, which can ONLY be experienced within a 'loving' framework.

Perhaps, at this point you may think: Of course LDD is sexual – overtly sexual at that! There is nothing 'hidden' when a man puts his woman over his knee and spanks her bare bottom! However, it is a common misconception to categorise the spankings in LDD, with all other forms of erotic spankings. Loving Domestic Discipline concerns itself, with maintaining peace and love in the home, for the HOH (head of house), wife and children. Punishment spankings are NOT erotic as such, nor are they happily accepted or given. It is crazy to assume, that the HOH will find it erotic to spank his woman, for behaviour which has clearly upset him and the kids. The HOH will do his manly duty, by punishing his woman for her attitudes or misbehaviour, because he loves her and his family. He wants a home based on peace, harmony and love. He may be tired after a stressful day at work and not want to punish his wife – but has to. His wife likewise, would rather do almost anything, than receive a punishment spanking – it is her duty to submit to her husband's authority and accept his teachings.

Other LDD spanking disciplines such as maintenance or pre-emptive are likewise non-sexual. They too concern themselves with either preventing a common misbehaviour from occurring or maintaining good behaviour. This enforces the dominance/submission, thus, enhancing the strong masculine and feminine energies between them.

I hope you will agree that we have established a premise, determining that LDD is not really classed 'sexual' in the traditional sense, (in my opinion at least.) This now poses the question, whether the children should, therefore, be told about the full glory of LDD?


To examine this question we need to be very clear as to what/how much information we are disclosing. I think most people would agree that it would be plain stupid to allow the children to witness their mother getting spanked. Such an act could undoubtedly cause serious damage to a child psychologically. (Not to mention the fact that it can be misconstrued by society to border on sexual paedophilia!). Another aspect, to consider, is the sheer force required by the HOH to effectively spank his woman to tears. Such a severe spanking would frighten many children. If they witnessed a large number of these spankings, that they eventually become accustomed or immune to such matters, then, this is also extremely unhealthy and psychologically damaging. You are inadvertently teaching your children violence. (Adult spankings are considerably more severe than the spanking of a naughty child – adult spankings are also consensual!) Children’s minds develop at an accelerated rate. They need to learn about themselves, others, the affect they have on others and their position in the world. They will learn language and how to read/write in a very short space of time – their minds are constantly active and act like sponges which soak up any information that is available. If they were witnessing their mother's spankings - this would be non-consensual (since as minors their consent is invalid) such action would be akin to child abuse!

Likewise, if we were to consider simply ‘telling’ them that ‘Daddy spanks Mummy,’ the child would equally have little comprehension, of what adult discipline is all about. Worse still children would mentally categorise the mother, on the same emotional/mental level as themselves. They would grow up having little respect for someone who (in their mind) is naughty, gets sent to the corner, gets sent to bed and gets spanked. It is really not very wise, for a child to see their mother being humiliated (even regarding non-spanking discipline.) They won’t be able to comprehend the interconnection of the very strong masculine and feminine energies.

If there are readers out there, who think that it is perfectly OK to be open with the children. Then don’t be surprised to find that the children hold little or no respect for you and treat you more as their equal than as their adult mother!

As it would be ridiculous, to read chapters of quantum physics to your child every night, so it would be equally ridiculous, to disclose LDD information. Young minds are immature and haven’t the social skills, or comprehension, to accept such information, in either, a contextual or conceptual way.

As far as older children are concerned, should they be told?

Do you seriously think that even the cleverest 17 year old would be able to comprehend such information when the rest of the adult world (including many LDD’ers) are struggling to understand it? Would you disclose sexual information to your adolescent about how to felate and orally satisfy a man? Would you disclose intimate sexual practises which transpire between you and your husband? Strangely enough, your adolescent would probably understand ‘standard’ sexual practises more than LDD. Loving Domestic Discipline in all its simplicity (in practice) is horrendously difficult to understand (in theory). The psychological aspects are deeply profound, confusing and frustrating. I have spent the last 6 months trying to get ever closer to unravelling ‘what it is.’ I have spent all my adult life doing it (or trying to) and longing for something I was clueless about! How on earth would you expect teenagers to just accept such information, when they are constantly being inundated with P.C. related issues on equality? If I don’t understand the complexities behind LDD, how am I supposed to expect that my daughter does? I myself struggle with issues such as; why some women seem to have a deep and intense craving for it and others do not? Perhaps, it really is simply, that, those women who are more intensely attuned to LDD are more feminine in nature? Or perhaps, there are more Freudian explanations, that people who became stuck as infants in any of the first three stages of development – 'oral, anal, phallic,’ would develop an intense need for LDD?

There are so many positive benefits to living a LDD lifestyle, which have a wonderful effect on the children. You needn’t say anything to the children at all, yet the children will benefit, by growing up surrounded by an ethos of family security and love. Those masculine and feminine energies between the man and his woman, will be clearly visible to the children. Those vibes will spread out, so that the children grow secure in the knowledge of what their gender is and how their role will be shaped and developed into adulthood. Like I mentioned before, LDD is a lifestyle which is lived 24/7, it is not an act. This interplay between authority and submission, is not something which can be switched on/off, such as in BDSM or sexual/role play, spanking fetishes or practises. Rather, it exists all the time between a man and his woman. As mentioned previously, the children will of course pick up these energy waves, they will sense LDD, without being told what it is, or what it stands for. Boys will grow up following their father’s masculinity as a role model and guide. Likewise, girls will follow the role model in their mother’s feminine attributes. Boys will learn from their father that a man’s authority is listened to, adhered to and obeyed. Girls will learn that a husband is a solid rock a foundation, in which to place total respect, loyalty and trust. Girls, will learn that the harmony in their household, is largely attributed to their mother being ‘super’ feminine/submissive and their father being the masculine one, who takes on the lead. Such diverse stereotypes, which society has tried to suppress, all in the name of ‘political correctness’ are simply nature at its root. It is very unnatural to fight for the 'same' equality in the home. Men and women ARE equal, but express this equality differently - they both have different 'gender' roles, they express their 'genders' in the way nature has intended.

It would be terribly disruptive for children to grow up watching their parents fight over leadership. Such negativity would have a detrimental effect on their psychological and moral development. Not to mention the utter confusion they would feel, as to what their gender role was. Also, just think of how they would have to constantly fight and bicker, to maintain this misconceived precedence over male/female superiority!

Much younger children, would be more likely to react in a nonchalant way,if you were to be discovered. The beauty of such a young and gullible mind, is that you can cover up your actions by saying almost anything! Pre-school children, have an uncanny habit, of simply accepting everything you say as gospel truth. One year, my son found one of my hiding places, where I was storing his Christmas presents. I can’t remember what I said, but he accepted that these presents were still from Santa!

If you were to be discovered by an elementary school child, the best thing to do is, think of a good excuse, but then don’t overplay it. Children at this age can often think a situation really funny - this can humour them for many days (even though you, probably fail to see anything remotely funny in it!) So, if you are caught ‘red-handed’ (excuse the proverbial pun) and say “Mummy just wanted to see what it would be like for Daddy to spank her,” But you then overplay it by saying things like “Oh, dear!" "Silly, silly, Mummy, for wanting a spanking!” You can guarantee that the next day at school, an innocent remark will be made, to the teacher, on... "How Daddy has been spanking my Mummy and how silly they both are!" Since LDD is generally misunderstood by the public as something either perverted or violent, before you know, the school will have called Social Services to take your child into custody. So, rather than overplay it, quickly go on a family outing to the toy shop, cinema, bowling or McDonalds. You will be amazed how a BIG treat to a small child can very quickly erase any memory of what was previously witnessed!

As far as teenagers are concerned, you can’t (and shouldn’t) pull the wool over their eyes. If you are discovered, then open and frank honesty is usually the best policy.

Some teenagers, may react very badly to finding out about their parents' ‘closeted’ lifestyle. Many teenagers will have their own preconceived ideas of what is ‘acceptable’ sexual behaviour and what isn’t – especially, as far as their parents are concerned!
Sexual exposure is all too common for young people.
As a liberal, but concerned parent, you can only do your best to present your point of view. Our daughter has always discussed sexual matters freely with me (I’m pleased she confides in me!) and I in turn have accepted all she says. I have always emphasised to her that there are no limits to sexual exploration, but ALL exploration can only be considered 'lovemaking' if two people really love each other, otherwise it’s just empty, meaningless, physical sex. A relationship based primarily on romance and non-sexual intimacy. On deep genuine concern, friendship, mutual respect and care are the magic formula in building a solid foundation to any relationship.

Z and I have always been close and have been able to discuss many issues. She once mentioned spanking to me, in a rather disparaging way and told me that any man wanting to do such an act, must be really deranged! On hearing this, I realised that she wasn’t emotionally mature to accept such things. Therefore, her strong reaction, really came as no surprise on discovering our LDD lifestyle! My daughter’s reaction was one of utter disbelief and horror. She had no comprehension, of what it was all about. She saw the Loopy Johnny and my journal lying open and fell into a panic. She initially thought that her parents were into BDSM or swinging etc… She thought, that we would start throwing wild parties, with other people of a similar ilk and become ‘totally weird’ as far as any ‘outward’ appearance went. She felt embarrassed that this weirdness would be accentuated in front of her friends. That the neighbours/church/societies would find out!

I have dealt with Z’s very strong objections to LDD by: Firstly, being weak and withdrawing consent. When I saw Z with 50 razor blade cuts on her wrist, I acted out of instinct and concern for my daughter. I didn’t contemplate whether I should postpone, or withdraw consent. I simply, acted hastily, on my emotional and innate instincts as a mother. Secondly, after re-instating our LDD relationship and thanks to R’s loving guidance we have both shown Z unwavering strength and resolve. We have shown her, that this is OUR life; it is what WE do and what we have done before she was born. Such strong action has really been the best policy. Z doesn’t understand all the complexities behind LDD, nor does she really want too. But, she has come a long way to understanding many of its aspects. She also now realises, that it is not on a par with becoming a ‘swinger’ or anything of that nature!

By and large, Z has now accepted the practical side to LDD. She has even accepted the philosophical side. In one of our discussions, she told me how she can see that the release of tears, caused by the firm discipline from the loving husband, followed by forgiveness and redemption to be deeply emotional, beautiful and profound! The issues Z struggles with are the psychological/sociological issues on equality. No amount of discussion will alter her thinking on this. She believes that the essence of a strong woman is one who has an equally strong man, but is still able to gently manipulate and control him! To some extent perhaps she's right? There is something quite flirtatious and seductive in very gentle teasing and manipulation!

To conclude:
Although, we have ascertained, that Loving Domestic Discipline is not sexual, in the traditional sense, we have also established, that it is generally misunderstood as sexually ‘perverse’ by society at large. It is easier talking about ‘standard’ sexual practises, than it is to talk about ‘disciplinary’ spankings. Such blatant prejudice, displayed by non LDD practitioners, only strives to portray an ever gloomier picture of its merits. This heightened wave of very acute feelings against LDD, strongly illustrates the need to be ever careful, vigilant and closeted as far as the children are concerned!

There are so many copious benefits for children whose parent’s are living this lifestyle. Children will grow with a security and realisation of their gender role and identity. They will benefit from the wave of masculine and feminine energies, which will radiate outwards, in the form of peace, harmony and love. They will be spared the heated arguments and tense atmosphere, which can transpire between many couples who are not living the LDD lifestyle.

It would be wonderful if we could all live together, as one big LDD family, where everything would be open and natural. Unfortunately, society does not accept LDD as ‘natural' and there are relatively few people who practise this wonderful lifestyle. Those that do generally wish to remain anonymous, of fear of being condemned by society. With all this considered, it is generally not advisable to disclose any information to the children.

Even if it this lifestyle was totally accepted and embraced by society, it would still pose as being potentially harmful to children. Children’s minds are still developing. They would not have the social skills, or wherewithal, to comprehend the interplay of strong masculine and feminine energies. It would clearly be psychologically damaging for children to be inundated with a lifestyle, which few adults have the capacity to understand.


Sunday, February 12, 2006

Memory of a School Caning

This is my account of a typical British boarding school experience. This account does not display any of the characteristics within the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle. I am mainly recalling these events, to accentuate the marked differences between school disciplines, which were 'loveless' and implemented in a 'clinical' setting. As opposed to LDD punishments, which are 'loving' and implemented in a 'domestic' setting.

There is something very English about the cane. Traditionally, used in the most elite schools, where the school masters would prowl the dismal corridors, dressed in black gowns and mortise board caps, swinging their canes as they hunted for unsuspecting victims. The fear of a caning is very much part of the psychological ritual associated with its application. The fear and anticipation of getting ‘6 of the best’ would mentally torment the miscreant for hours, if not days before the physical aspect of the punishment began.

In the master's study there would be a lengthy lecture where the master would flex the rod and test the air. That thwacking sound as the cane cut through air particles, would tie your stomach in knots. Ever wish the ground could just swallow you up??? The school master’s voice would interrupt any feelings of nausea. “Jennings, over my desk NOW, don’t loiter girl!” “Yeeees Sir” At school you were always referred to by your surname or worse still your school number. All identity and individuality in a regimented school is lost. You gingerly make your way towards his desk, with legs that felt as if they had been turned to lead and timidly bend over. Your cheek rests on some unmarked assignments on his untidy desk. You focus on his pen holder, or some other object cluttering his space, as he begins to slowly expose you, thus, accentuating your torment. He lifts up your tunic and pushes back your school blouse and then slowly peels down your regulation school knickers. If you are not wearing your regulation school knickers, then you may as well be good as dead! You hate him at this point; you hate him like you hate no other. Bloody perverted b******! You then focus your mind onto that ‘zoning out’ spot on his desk and recite this mantra: “I will not cry,” “I will not flinch” “I will not act as if I’m bothered at all!” The first thwack pierces your skin with such force you feel your eyes start to smart. You blink back the tears, angry for being weak and letting the side down. No one should cry during punishment – it’s what the b****** wants!

After 4 of these you feel you simply cannot take anymore! After each lash onto your bare bottom, he rests the cane against your skin, so that you are made to be only too aware of its presence. Once he has finished administering CP, you are required to stay in position, he continues with his lecture, whilst examining his handy work. After this he slowly pulls up your knickers and adjusts your blouse, then finally pulls your tunic back down. You were never allowed to do this yourself – all part of prolonging the humiliation and extending the punishment.

After a very harsh caning, you will generally find the wearing of your school regulation knickers unbearable. They would stick to the partially weeping wounds; the elastic around the legs would cut into the welts, making walking and sitting unbearable. If you went to see matron, she would swab your welts with salty water. This would only add to the embarrassment (not to mention discomfort) and not help much at all!

The best part of getting caned was the comradeship afterwards where you would gallantly display your war wounds for all to see. “Oh, C! Did that b****** do that to you?!” In the dormitory, you would have all the girls crowding and cooing around your bed, giving you gifts of chocolates, magazines, perfume and soaps. "Never mind C, we will pay him back, we’ll tip a couple of rubbish bins onto his desk. Or go into the school gardens and gather as many slugs and snails as we can find and release those into his study. He will pay!"

They never did do anything of the kind, but their thoughts were noble, as were their intentions!


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Withdrawing Consent

I believe that one of the worst acts of disobedience is withdrawing consent (and then wanting it back). It destroys the equilibrium of peace and harmony in the home. It destroys that deep sense of trust, unity and regime. It makes a mockery of all the effort and hard work, the HOH has put into adjusting his wife’s attitudes and guiding her to more acceptable, positive and conducive behaviour. Once those loving boundaries (limits) have been dispelled, the very fabric of what makes LDD so profound and intense is broken in a matter of moments. That closeness which both held and lovingly bound the man and his woman together, which may have taken months/years to solidly build, can be destroyed in seconds. The synergistic process of submission and authority, once removed, can leave an empty chasm of uncertainty, emptiness and deep insecurity.

It is perfectly fine to withdraw consent, if both parties agree that such a lifestyle is simply, no longer for them. Or, even if one of them, disagrees to continuing the lifestyle. But only after putting a great deal of thought and consideration for the other’s needs – it is after all shared, built on mutual understanding and trust. The important issue I am trying to stress, is that LDD is neither a game nor a tool which can be switched on/off. People either live the lifestyle to the full, or they don’t. If they do, they must be prepared for all eventualities and not temporarily give it up, because the ‘going gets tough.’ It is WHEN the ‘going gets tough’ that LDD is needed more than ever!

I found this out, much to my detriment, when all the issues pertaining to Z started. She found out about our disciplinary lifestyle. Therefore, with all the serious negative issues surrounding her, I thought it best (without any consultation with my HOH) to simply abandon LDD. My HOH was devastated! All he could say was.... “But I’ve put so much time and effort into helping you – how can you even contemplate on giving it up, when you are so clearly benefiting from it? How can you do this to us, yourself, our relationship?” “Because our daughter comes before you and before me – because SHE is the only person I want to concentrate on at present!” I retorted angrily. Little did I realise that such a selfish action, was displaying a fantastic ingratitude to my HOH. Little did I realise that, within days, my behaviour when faced with all of Z’s problems would spiral out of control!

By the end of the week, I had to beg my HOH to re-instate our LDD lifestyle. I had to beg for his forgiveness and admit that it was utterly wrong of me to have given up our lifestyle, without any regard to his feelings and efforts. I had to admit that I simply cannot live without the framework of loving limits and the implementation of loving, but firm spankings, when I misbehave. I had to admit that this lifestyle has given me such grounding and stability - unparallel to anything I've ever experienced before! LDD has given me so much freedom in a very short space of time. I am so much more confident and direct with what I want to do in life - before I was very good at sitting on the fence and contemplating, always starting something but never finishing - thus, never really progressing along life's path. Now I feel this immense strength well up from deep within me.... I feel that I can conquer the world! Since LDD I have never felt stronger or happier as a woman - a very feminine and deeply loved woman.

The punishment for my act of disobedience was to submit to 30 strokes of the cane. If anyone has ever received the cane, then they will understand, that one lash - just one - is excruciating! I have also been told to purchase the most severe type of cane ‘The Dragon’ which will hang in the closet of our bedroom. It will serve as a useful daily reminder, of what will happen, if I ever withdraw consent again!


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Horrible End to the Old Year - Horrible Start to the New!

Since November, I’ve found it very difficult to blog. I have never worn my heart on my sleeve and find it hard to let go of pain sometimes. I rather opt for the ‘Don’t worry, be happy approach’ - even though inside I feel like fragmented glass.

In November, my daughter was suspended from her elite boarding school, for getting drunk at an Amnesty International concert. To make matters worse she then threw up all over the Head Misstress! She showed little remorse, but more worryingly, she showed little interest in her academic work. She started falling hopelessly behind – every new day became a greater obstacle to catch up. For a child who achieves all A's, plays grade 8 flute, violin and piano and is an expected candidate for Oxbridge, such action is seriously out of character!

Two weeks ago the school rang late at night, to inform me that she had cut herself (approximately 50 times with a razor blade). R took a week off work and we went to collect her. We spent the whole week talking with her, trying to get to the root of the problem. We found that, she simply couldn’t cope with the gripping academic pressure. She had, only recently found out about R’s affair and the illegitimate child. I lost control a few months back and regretfully screamed this information at her. I am very ashamed for doing this! For 8 years I have kept this from her and maintained dignity and control – noblesse oblige. Then, one day it all came out. She accused me of being cold and heartless to her beloved father. I listened to her accusations, about how she only respected him, not me, about how much she only loved him, not me. I have listened to all this before and have grown accustomed to it. This time, however, there was a new twist, one I wasn’t expecting… she told me that the whole family would benefit if I just quietly left - that I only married R for his money. (What money he was only 19 when I married him and I 18 - we were both very poor students). She said this in such a nasty yet convincing way – so I ended up screaming at her that he was the one to live a double life, with a woman in the city, whilst making love with me at the weekends. He was the one to have fathered this illigitimate child. I was the one that has kept the family together and I was only doing this for HER - as soon as she was 18, I was going to acquire my own much deserved freedom, where I would leave R!! I said this in the heat of the moment and now really regret it; as a result she is now suffering from it.

We dashed to the school, in the moment of being told about her self-harm and as a result, we didn’t clear up any ‘spanking’ evidence. On her arrival she found the Loopy Johnny and was aghast, that her pacifistic father would want to engage in something like that. But as usual, I got the brunt of her anger and I was accused of being weak and pathetic. We tried to show her Lovingdd’s blog and convince her how natural it was - that it wasn’t bondage, but she wasn’t having any of it! Wanting to do my very best for her (being frightened that she may cut herself again) I withdrew my consent to LDD. During that week my stress levels spiralled out of control, yet there was nothing R could do. I needed spanking more than at any other time – but I had withdrawn consent.

Last week she returned to school. We handed in her notice and told the school that she wouldn’t be coming back next term. The school agreed that they would keep her until the end of term, provided she broke no more school rules. Within two days the school rang, to let us know that they had decided to expel her for missing breakfast and sneaking out to meet her boyfriend, from the adjoining boy’s school. Not much of a reason to get expelled for, but I suppose, with this terms fees paid, the school just wanted to abolish their responsibility. They no longer wanted to act as loco-parentis. Who can blame them? She is clearly very volatile at present.

My daughter is now home with her education in tatters. I am trying SO hard to be strong and support her. I love her more than life itself, I just wish I knew what to do?