Tuesday, October 31, 2006

My Struggle with Obedience

At the beginning, one of my most difficult challenges within the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle was obedience. I have always been fiercely independent and self opinionated. I had always found obedience hard and seldom obeyed anyone, even as a child.

At the start of our Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle, I was subconsciously blocking my obedience to my HOH. I would try very hard to work on my obedience during discipline – but outside of discipline I would happily sail my merry way. My HOH was quick to pick up on this and would often praise me for obediently submitting to his discipline, but would wonder why I wouldn’t carry out his day to day instructions and other tasks. I honestly found the latter harder than submitting to the actual discipline. If my HOH instructed me to do something over the phone (R spends the weekdays in London) then I would say sweetly, “OK darling,” fully intending to do it before he came home. This, however, was seldom the case; I would allow his instructions to filter out of my mind, I would quite simply forget about my HOH’s instructions.

I have since learned that my behaviour displayed the very height of disobedience. This type of disobedience was very blatant – it clearly demonstrated to R that I was putting all my planned day to day events before his instructions. I was in effect non-verbally telling my husband that I thought little of his instructions, that my tasks were more important. In fact, I thought so little of his instructions that I would end up forgetting all about them! Looking back on my past behaviour I can clearly see how disobedient and disrespectful I was being – luckily I have come along way since then! I now see obedience as something quite instant and spontaneous. I no longer procrastinate over what R tells me to do, but usually do it automatically before I do something of mine. I don’t always see the reasoning behind R’s instructions sometimes R hasn’t the time to explain why he wants something done in a certain way. I have, however, learnt to carry out my HOH’s instructions without thinking, “why am I doing this?” Or without thinking that my tasks require more urgent attention.

Obedience has brought out all my deeply felt submissive urges. I always believed that submission has to be worked upon, but instead I have found that by working on my obedience my submission followed as a natural consequence. By becoming more obedient I found myself embraced in a new awareness of self, a truly “feminine” self. Never in my life had I felt more in tune with my own femininity as I do now. My femininity had until now been repressed into the further reaches of my unconscious mind. It had always been there, as God had created me female. But, I had repressed this beautiful gift from my creator - subconsciously arguing that it is not PC to be so feminine!

By becoming more obedient, I have discovered that I am so much softer and accepting than I used to be. I no longer fly off the handle at the slightest thing, but accept the situation with grace and dignity. I may not like the situation, but causing a fuss, loosing my temper or having a tantrum are not going to change the situation around – they will only heighten the tension and raise more bad vibes and negative feelings.

My obedience to my HOH has reinforced his role as leader. I have grown in confidence and have acquired new freedoms from following my HOH’s authority and guidance. I no longer fight for leadership in our home – he guides me, corrects my misbehaviour and makes the final decisions. This has allowed me to concentrate on other areas of my life which previously I had neglected. My confidence has certainly grown. Prior to LDD I would struggle for leadership. I would have little confidence (never truly knowing if I would get my own way!) Life was hard and a painful struggle as I would constantly undermine my husband’s authority by inadvertently saying that I didn’t trust his decisions at all.


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Punishment Room

There are many different rooms in our house where I’ve been punished. Sometimes if I’m punished for a specific offence (like my eating disorder) I will be spanked in the kitchen. At other times, if we have guests, I will be spanked in the attic with either a sturdy thick wooden spoon (which is virtually silent) or the Loopy Johnny. Mostly, however, I am spanked in either the sitting room over the arm of the settee, or over my HOH’s knee. I’m also spanked in the bedroom over the bed, stool or OTK (or a combination of positions – depending on my misbehaviour.)

If I were to choose one room in our house which fills me with the most dread when used for punitive purposes – it would be my HOH’s study. The reason for my heightened fear and subsequent humility is that R’s study doesn’t belong to me. I am no longer surrounded by my own familiar objects, but my HOH’s objects – his very masculine objects. Most of his books, his work, papers, computer and other personal effects are in this room. Somehow, going into this room to prepare for a spanking, is to enter R’s masculine world. It is as if the small room consumes me with his masculine energies– there is nothing feminine or mine in this room, it is his room, his personal space, his study.

Entering into R’s masculine world heightens the feelings of my vulnerability and control he has over me. If I were punished in my bedroom I may be distracted by something of mine, but in R’s study his papers and other work, are of little interest for me to get distracted in. In my room, I would be comforted by my own familiar objects. In R’s study there are none of my objects present – nothing familiar or comforting to draw my attention to. The masculinity of R’s study is highlighted when I am commanded to prepare for my spanking. “Go to my study and prepare for your spanking,” is more masculine (belonging to R) than “Go to your room,” which is more feminine, or “Go to the sitting room,” being more neutral. Sometimes, if R has previously been working at the computer, I can still smell his manly musky odour, or aftershave, as I wait for him to enter the room. Being surrounded by his manly aroma as I stand in the corner nude awaiting punishment, will only act as a reminder and reinforcement of his manhood. This consequently taps into my womanhood and renders me much more humble, submissive and contrite – it truly focuses me without the various distractions, to prepare for my punishment with heart, body and soul. It truly focuses me to accept his punishment with the utmost submission and respect - to cry freely and be redeemed by my HOH, through his loving correction and forgiveness.

Another reason why the study is effective in facilitating my humility and submission is that at school misbehaviour was usually dealt with corporally. If we misbehaved we were punished in the Head Masters study across his desk, usually with the cane. This memory from my school days is very poignant; it was very embarrassing to have ended up in a situation where your regulation school knickers were pushed down to your knees and your bare bottom was in full display awaiting the Head’s attention. Just the sight of R’s desk conjures up memories of past disciplinary spankings at school – I was actually only ever spanked like this once, but the painful humiliation (which was a lot worse than the caning itself) was so embarrassing that it psychologically felt as if there had been many more times! This memory of having been spanked by the Head, having my bared bottom displayed to his gaze as a well developed curvy teenager, has plagued me, even into adulthood!

Just as R’s study evokes feelings of fear, so do more “masculine” looking implements. The implement which fills me with the most fear is my HOH’s belt – especially if he has been wearing it and especially if I can both see and hear it being unbuckled and sliding out of his belt loops. The strap, Loopy Johnny, cane, paddle and tawse, I equally fear. These are mostly dark and masculine looking in their appearance – I know they mean business! When compared with the more feminine implements, such as a feminine hairbrush, pink flip-flop or more elegant female belt. If a slipper or gym shoe is used then the sight of R’s large gym shoe will evoke the same dread more easily than the sight of my own much smaller gym shoe, especially if he takes it off his foot in my presence before aiming it across my buttocks.

A variation of R’s study is his garage/workshop. Again this is his own personal space, full of his own very masculine looking objects. Awaiting punishment in R’s masculine domain I feel the presence of his masculine energies consume me. I feel his masculine presence surrounding me before my punishment spanking. Such feelings evoke and awaken the very core of my humility, submission and femininity. Such feelings awaken the very core of my womanhood.


The artwork is Patty's which can be viewed from: www.pattysgallery.com/wordpress/Creative/

Saturday, October 21, 2006

LDD - Atlanta Get Together Update

This is just a quick announcement for all the people who are coming to our LDD get together. I am just waiting on an email from Melissa with the final details such as the room number and the finalised itinerary. As soon as I have this information I will immediately send all the people who have enquired an email, confirming all the final arrangements…

Just think in exactly three weeks from today we will all be together!! I am certainly very excited!!

For anyone reading this post who hasn’t heard of our arrangements and who would like to come along, here is a brief summary:

WHAT: We are having a Loving Domestic Discipline get together to discuss, share and exchange ideas about our wonderful lifestyle. This will mainly comprise of presentations, seminar type discussions and socialising.

WHY: So that we can forge contacts with other like minded people. So that we can reach out to each other in support and understanding. So that we can learn and grow in awareness and understanding of each others ideas, philosophies and practices. All of this can and should be achieved from an anonymous stance. In fact, I strongly encourage all the people coming to our event to remain anonymous at all times, by using a different name.

WHERE: The get together is held in Atlanta Georgia. Please email me at rncblog@yahoo.co.uk or Melissa at mtravis@gmail.com for the location. Please do not email SnN (the other lady hosting this event) as she is presently away on vacation.

WHEN: The get together is held on Saturday 11/11/06 at 6.00pm.

WHO: The get together is open to all adults - singles and couples alike.

Everyone is most welcome!:-)

Hope to see you all in November!


Tuesday, October 17, 2006


My good behaviour seems mainly to be attributed to the many warnings my HOH has in place. I know that if I seriously overstep the mark in a given situation, what the likelihood of any consequences will be...

I am hardly ever spanked outside, but I’m often warned of such a punishment. The threat of it hangs over me, playing on my mind. The humiliation extenuating from such a punishment is indescribable! Whenever my HOH takes me by the arm and leads me into an alleyway, I feel an immediate dread, fear and nausea, mixed with a very deep sense of sexual arousal. These two opposing feelings of absolute submission/surrender mixed with sheer panic and fear, brings forth this very acutely awakened sexuality from deep within me. Also my HOH keeps me in anticipation... I never really know if R is taking me into the alleyway to scold me (this happens more frequently) or spank me.

The sensations of an outside spanking add to the fear. Firstly, there is the sensation of the cold breeze against my bare bottom. Secondly, there is the sound of the actual spanking which seems so much louder and resonant when administered outside. This louder spanking extenuates my fear when I can hear people in the distance. Thirdly, there is the dreaded fear of discovery...this really frightens me! Outside spankings make me feel like a naughty 5 year old, they psychologically take me back to a stage in my early childhood which I have suppressed. Repressing traumatic emotions from the early childhood is not healthy since they come out in various negative behaviours. The humiliation resulting from outside spankings manage to permeate into the root cause of many of these problems and alleviate them. I also believe that outside spankings are the absolute crème de la crème of submission. As I am led by my HOH into an alleyway; I know from my misconduct and the look in his eyes what’s about to happen. I know that there is no turning back. I know that I cannot get out of it, that my spanking is definite and imminent. I know beyond a shadow of doubt what is going to take place! Sometimes I feel fear so much, I feel paralysis over take my body...but somehow my legs continue to walk one step after the other, as I’m being led to the place of my spanking.

Although this practise may offend some of my readers, since it is not standard Loving Domestic Discipline in its true form. It really works best for me. My humility is seldom unleashed by R's scolding alone. My HOH finds the scolding element of LDD hard to impliment, since such a notion goes directly against his religious faith and practise. Spanking he finds no problem with, but teasing out my humiliation through "telling me off" via scolding he finds very hard.

I haven’t been spanked outside that often, but I have been warned of such a consequence more frequently. If I misbehave my HOH only has to say in a low voice, “If you carry on like this I will take you to a quiet corner pull down your panties and spank your bare bottom! Do I make myself clear?” Such a warning usually makes me stop in my tracks. I immediately feel a great sense of submission and sexual arousal and deep fear and embarrassment. Such a warning is all that is usually needed to pull my behaviour around.

There are also times when my HOH doesn’t warn me but smacks my hand in public. This time he doesn’t take me down a alleyway, but quickly checks to see if there is no one in the very near vicinity. R then firmly takes hold of my hand and smacks it, usually saying, “naughty girl” whilst he is doing this.

Getting my hand smacked in a public setting is also hugely humiliating. Such an act is not really a punishment but an acute warning of what will happen if my behaviour continues in the same fashion... Getting my hand smacked in a public setting evokes the same deep feelings of sexuality and submission. Although being smacked on the hand (which is a non-erogenous zone) wouldn't normally evoke such a deepened sexual arousal, out of doors all my senses are more heightened. I am so much more aware of my sheer humility as it is ebbed out. I am so much more alert to what I would have to face if I do not take heed in my HOH's warnings...


Friday, October 13, 2006


Since coming back home from vacation I have been very slack in keeping my journal up to date. In fact this is possibly my most common transgression. My HOH is very pedantic when it comes to keeping my journal. He rightly claims that without journaling my behaviour in not up to form. Every morning I have to journal lists of chores and in the evening write whether I’ve achieved these targets. If I don’t manage to achieve them, then I have to write down why these targets were not met.

Without the daily journaling of my chores list I tend to leave everything to the last minute. With R working away and only being home weekends, it is so easy to ignore the house work until the day before his arrival. My HOH has stipulated on more than one occasion, that such behaviour is clearly unacceptable. I also have to record my misbehaviours and feelings associated with each and every wrong doing. This is then followed by recording my punishment and also recording an action plan to avoid repeating the same misbehaviour in the future.

For not keeping my journal up to date, I now have to report before 10.00am every day by email to my HOH, to say that I have completed my daily entry. I am also going to receive a punishment spanking on Saturday for being so slack. :-(

My HOH has written up these rules which he emailed last night. I was told to print and glue them into the front two pages of my journal.

My rules are as follows:

C's LDD Rules

Unless otherwise stated, the normal punishment for failure to keep any of these rules is a spanked bottom, the severity to be decided by your HOH. This will usually mean a spanking to tears, with humiliation. However, your HOH may decide that a different punishment is appropriate at any time.

  1. Always follow the principles set out in LDD, and where appropriate, Advanced LDD. The most important of these is to do as your HOH instructs you and understand that it is for your own good and an act of love from your HOH.
  2. Journal by 10:00 every weekday.
  3. Plan your day, including any instructions from your HOH.
  4. Record whether you achieved the items in the plan before writing the next plan.
  5. Carry out the instructions given to you by your HOH to the best of your ability. Prioritise them over things that you might have chosen to do.
  6. Keep your journal with you at all times – your HOH may instruct you to read from it or enter into it.
  7. Journal or confess to your HOH every wrongdoing.
  8. Keep your journal neat. Your HOH wants neat handwriting in pen, not scribbled notations in felt tip or pencil.
  9. For Anorexic/bulemic behaviour – likely punishment Transformational Discipline.
  10. Journal every punishment – even spontaneous ones. Record the event, the punishment, how you felt.

I hope to keep my new journal up and not become tardy as I usually do. In my last journal I recorded onto a wiki, but this proved difficult since there were times I couldn't log on. Recording into a paper journal should be a lot easier.

I do so want my HOH to be proud of me!


N.B. The above journal can be purchased from: www.cafepress.com/lovingdd

Saturday, October 07, 2006

My Worst Punishment Ever!! :-(

My worst punishment happened whilst on vacation in West Africa. I have endured painful spankings before and have even had a transformational discipline. However, with severe punishments such as this, once the pain subsides and the memory of the spanking is in the dim and distant past – life very much returns to normal. Of course progress has been made and I have learnt my lesson, but a very painful spanking is a lot easier to forget than being deeply humiliated and shamed - especially in front of other people!

We were in transit, going to a small village with an unpronounceable name when we stopped off in one of the larger towns. This town was well known for its market selling mostly batiks and gold. R and I strolled along looking at various stalls, our guide and two other people were also with us. A really lovely piece of jewellery suddenly caught my eye so I called over to R and headed for the stall. I can’t honestly say how long I spent admiring almost every piece of jewellery, but I did spend some considerable time. When I had carefully selected my pieces I looked around for R to ask his permission to buy some jewellery – but he was nowhere to be seen! R, our guide and the two colleagues R works with had completely disappeared into thin air!

At first I was very calm as I started walking in the direction we were all heading, looking left and right to see if R had stopped by any of the stalls. I must have walked 100 yards or so when panic gripped me. I was suddenly hit by the realisation that R was probably listening to his mp3 and not heard me tell him where I was going! I frantically turned and headed back to the stall selling jewellery, but R et al were not there. I continued walking up through the very busy market looking well beyond my previous searching point, but there was absolutely no sign of them! I turned to walk back blinking back the tears which smarted my eyes. I tried to rationalise and stay calm but I had no money and even if I did I wouldn't have been able to explain to a taxi driver where to take me! I desperately tried to remember the name of the village we were heading to, but couldn’t! A deep feeling of dread engulfed me. The market was literally crowded with people, I remember feeling quite paralysed with fear and had no idea which way to walk!

After what seemed an eternity, I returned once more to the jewellery stall and there was R looking as worried as I was. My instant relief was quickly replaced by anger. “Why in the f*** did you go off and leave me like that? How dare you leave me!!” I shouted at R. Due to all my panic and fear I wasn’t aware of so dreadfully disrespecting my HOH, especially in front of his work colleagues and guide. Nor was I aware of using the “f” word which seemed to slip out all too naturally! R looked stunned at my out burst, his face drained as his eyes locked into mine. After my immediate anger I felt a huge sense of relief and just wanted to hug R, but this feeling of relief was short lived – R’s face made it more than apparent of his complete and utter condemnation of my swear word and almighty disrespect I had displayed. The really amazing thing is that I don’t believe I’ve ever used the “f” word and I cringe when I hear others use it – I was so stressed and frightened my use of it came as much of a shock to me as it did to R!

“How DARE you so blatently disrespect me!” R scolded, “I told you that I would be back and you were to stay at this stall!” In the excitement of seeing the jewellery I think I must have blanked this information out and not heard R. My HOH continued scolding me, I could no longer hear his words I felt so utterly humiliated and embarrassed. R's eyes penetrated deeply into mine and in front of the guide and work colleagues he firmly and audibly said, “I will DEAL with you later,” putting much emphasis on the word “deal.” He then came up to me grabbed my arm and whispered loudly (so that everyone could hear) “If you are going to act like a naughty child, then I am going to treat you like one! You are to hold my hand for the rest of our time here!”

I was already on the verge of crying thinking I had lost R, after being scolded in front of our guide and colleagues the shame I felt made the tears really flow – luckily my sun glasses hid most of my tears. I had to hold R’s hand all the time – not in the loving way a man and woman hold hands, but in the way a naughty child is firmly held onto by their elder. R has longer legs than me and he wasn’t keeping at my pace. I had to quite literally run to keep up with him as he dragged me from one end of the market to the other. My relief of finding my HOH had superseded the deep dread of his scolding words in front of his colleagues. His words: “I will deal with you later!” were spinning in my head. I tried to imagine what “I will deal with you later” must have meant to our group? I calmly told myself that they probably think that R will simply “deal” with me later by “talking” to me later!

When we arrived at the village we were greeted by our hosts who had prepared a banquet for us. After all the formalities and greetings R excused himself saying that he had some unfinished business to attend to. He then proceeded to take me across the court yard to where our sleeping quarters were. I was told to strip naked and stand in the corner. After 10 or so minutes R called me over to him and proceeded to tell me that my punishment is severe not simply for using the “f” word which only succeeds in putting myself down, but it was mainly for embarrassing him in front of his colleagues and guide! He told me that in future if I was to ever disrespect him again he would have no hesitation to shame me in front of other people. He told me that the only reason he didn’t spank me in front of our group was because he didn’t want to embarrass himself – it had nothing at all to do with my feelings! R then placed me firmly across his knee and without much of a warm up proceeded to spank me very hard with the loopy johnny.

It didn’t take long for catharsis to break through. My catharsis came as a relief since I usually find it hard to reach this state. Being spanked in someone else’s home was very embarrassing but all my inhibitions had gone – I had been completely stripped of all my pride. The one small relief I had was that our hut was on the other side of the main house and detached from everything else - so at least I was granted some modicum of privacy. After my spanking, R put me to bed without dinner - I was not allowed to sample the delicious banquet. I also missed out on meeting the village chief which I was most looking forward to! The really embarrassing thing was that no one mentioned me at dinner; my absence was simply not questioned at all! I strongly believe that our guide told everyone what had happened. I also strongly believe that the whole village including the village chief got to hear of my spanking!!!

The next day R told me that he would be travelling around with the Loopy John safely tucked into his pocket. It is actually small enough to be concealed into his pocket without anyone knowing it’s there. I certainly knew however! Whenever I cuddled up to R I could feel its hard handle poking into me! R told me that if I was a naughty girl again he wouldn’t hesitate to take me behind some bush and spank me!

The next day was also very telling…our guide avoided any eye contact with me, so did R’s colleagues. Our guide who didn’t particularly spend much time talking to R suddenly became very friendly with him. R had suddenly gained new status and respect. Any respect I had seemed to dwindle into obscurity!

My lesson was hard, painfully humiliating, but one I am never likely to forget!


Thursday, October 05, 2006

I'm Back!!

Dear readers,

We have just come back from the most delightful, amazing and exhilarating vacation in West Africa! The people were so warm and welcoming! The land is filled with such exotic diversity with beaches, rainforest and savannah all within a days drive! There is an abundant richness of culture, heritage, music, dance, art and literature. It is so vibrant and alive! The UK seems so dead in comparison! The music is especially memorable - the rhythm and beat are soul gripping. Even the small less known bands exude so much emotion and dynamics. Well…they do say that music is the universal language – it certainly spoke to my heart and soul! We have both fallen so much in love with the West African country we visited, that we are looking into buying land and eventually setting up a business and moving there permanently.

It is tremendously exciting that the day for our LDD get together is looming! In one months time we will all get to meet each other – just imagine that! If anyone needs help in finding accommodation then please don’t hesitate to ask. I will get in touch with SnN and Melissa tonight who have been busy planning the itinerary and will email the finer details of the event in the next week or two. I have just bought my plane ticket, which makes it all so much more imminent – I am really very excited!! :-)

I was really most unfortunate to receive a punishment spanking whilst on vacation. :-( I did actually misbehave very badly on one occasion, so it was richly deserved! The whole experience was definitely the worst punishment I've ever received in terms of shame and embarrassment, rather than actual pain. :-( I will write up the details in the next couple of days, once I have sorted all the unpacking.

I’ve missed you all!

~C~ x